


everything comes back to you

by curiosityandrain



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Breaking Up & Making Up, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Back Together, High School, M/M, Phandom Big Bang, Phandom Big Bang 2017, Road Trips, Teen Romance, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-29
Updated: 2017-11-29
Packaged: 2019-02-08 12:39:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 45,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12864711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curiosityandrain/pseuds/curiosityandrain
Summary: Dan and Phil grew up together in a small town, where they had a secret relationship throughout their last year of school. When it comes time to leave for university, they lose contact. Three years later, they’re both back home for summer break and decide to reconnect. They soon realize how much they missed each other. After a whole summer spent together and a road trip with old friends, Dan and Phil begin to wonder whether or not they should continue what there once was between them.!!!1st place for best long fic awardin the 2017 phanfic awards!!!





	everything comes back to you

**Author's Note:**

> oh my god! it's finally done, it's finally here and i'm so excited! i've poured my heart and soul into this fic and it became more than i ever expected and much longer than i ever expected. this is probably my last phandom big bang fic and i'm super sad about it, these past three years writing for pbb have been such great experiences for me as a writer and i think this is my best fic yet...? i hope?
> 
> special thanks to [charlotte](http://www.twitter.com/danhoweIIs), the absolute best beta on earth! this fic would not be what it is today without her! and to natasha! my incredibly talented artist, you can check her art out [here](http://hunnyhowlter.tumblr.com/post/168026610749/everything-comes-back-to-you-im-so-excited-for)!
> 
> PLEASE NOTE, this fic follows two timelines: 1. from oct 2008-august 2009 where dan and phil are teenagers and 2. from may 2012-september 2012 where dan and phil are young adults
> 
> warnings: alcohol/drinking, homophobia, mentions of bugs
> 
> ok that's all!!!! enjoy!!!! feedback (even criticism) is always appreciated and welcome!

**JANUARY 2009**

Dan’s drunk and giggling uncontrollably by the time that Phil unlocks the door to his house. They’re both out of breath after running

“Quiet! My parents are sleeping.” Phil hisses, keeping his voice as low as he possibly can. Somehow, his parents always manage to fall asleep shortly after midnight on New Year’s.

“Shit, sorry!” Dan whispers, his left arm interlocked with Phil’s right. “I still can’t get over her face, she just about looked like she’d seen a ghost.”

Running away from their friend’s party was the last way Dan and Phil expected their New Year’s Eve to end. That is, until a girl from their year, Michelle, caught them snogging behind a bush. Everyone in their circle of friends suspects that something’s going on between the two of them. Some already know. Which is fine, they’re a small, close group of friends but Michelle, is a different story, she’ll undoubtedly have the entire student body aware of their relationship by Monday when they’re back at school.

Phil unlinks their arms and presses up against the wall behind him, standing still in an attempt to calm his breaths. “I can’t remember the last time I ran that much,” he laughs it off but Dan knows he’s worrying. They’ve known each other long enough that Dan can recognize Phil’s emotions just about as well as his own. He knows that worrying is what Phil does best, worrying about what will happen if people find out, what people will think, what they’ll do.

“When’s the last time you went to P.E? Probably then.” Dan jokes, trying to lighten the mood. He stands next to Phil.

“Hmm well, I can’t even remember. And who’s fault is that?”

A couple years ago, when they were still required to take P.E, Dan always managed to convince Phil to skip P.E because he had maths at the same time and he couldn’t care less about it. It got them some angry phone calls home but Dan always managed to delete the voicemails before his parents had a chance to listen to them.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Dan looks down at his feet, a grin spreading across his face.

“Mhm… c’mon let’s go to my room,” Phil starts to walk towards the stairs but Dan grabs his arm before he can get any further.

“No, wait, come here.” Dan wraps Phil up in a hug. The house is dark and silent save for the old radiator rattling in the living room, it’s almost eerie. “I know you’re worrying…”

“M’not,” Phil props his head on Dan’s shoulder, even though he’s taller and it’s definitely uncomfortable.

“Don’t lie to me,” Dan drawls, squeezing Phil tight. “I’m here. It’ll be alright.”

Phil can feel Dan’s lips brushing against his ear as he speaks. He pulls away, bringing a hand up to cup Dan’s cheek. They’re both still, eyes gazing back at one another, neither saying a word. Until–

“I love you.”

Dan feels his heart clench and his stomach tightening. He thinks it’s strange how much value people place over a set of three words, strange how they can make him feel warm and secure all at once. Knowing someone for nearly your whole life, the words get tossed around but this time is different, as if Dan can feel the physical weight Phil has put into them. It’s only been a few months since they got together at the beginning of this school year but even still, their relationship carries so much importance to Dan.

“You’re too good to me.” Phil continues.

“You deserve good.” Dan replies and it doesn’t quite make sense but he’s flustered and slightly worried that Phil’s not meeting his eyes and continuing to talk in case he doesn’t say I love you back. But of course, “And I love you too.”

The most genuine smile overcomes Phil, he places his other hand on the other side of Dan’s face and pulls him in for a kiss. Quick at first but slower, softer as Phil presses Dan up against the archway of the house’s entrance. He pulls back, “I love you,” gives Dan a kiss on the cheek, “but I’m exhausted,” the jaw, “let’s sleep please,” the neck.

Dan agrees and the two languidly make their way up the stairs. Both too tired to brush their teeth or take off their clothes. Once they’re in Phil’s room, with their heads against their pillows, they’re both asleep within a matter of seconds. It’s their own way of ringing in the New Year.

In the morning, Phil’s mum finds them cuddled up together in bed. She doesn’t ask, doesn’t say a word. Neither do they. She probably already knows, mother’s intuition and all that, besides, some things are just better left unsaid.

**MAY 2012**

Dan stands in the same front entrance of Phil's house a bit over three years later and it's quite a surreal experience. After graduating, breaking up and moving to Manchester, Dan thought the chances of ever seeing Phil Lester again were slim. Even if they share the same hometown. It’s not like they ever really kept in contact or saw each other while visiting back home. Living in different cities, going to different schools and meeting new friends, that all caused them to grow apart. Dan doubted he’d ever step foot in this house again.

However, thanks to his mum being friends with quite literally everyone in their small town of Stroud, sure enough, before he knows it, he's being wrapped up in Kathryn Lester’s arms. He’s over at the Lester household for a barbecue, the mere thought of it all makes Dan want to pinch himself. Kathryn’s patting him on the shoulder and gushing over how much he's grown and how much of _a man_ he is now.

“Nice to see you too,” he smiles politely and she lets him go. She then turns to his mum, where she dives into her discovery of the best way to make an apple strudel. Dan didn't even know there was more than one way.

Kathryn leads Dan and his family out to the backyard where some other guests are already sitting enjoying themselves. It's a large yard, multi-level, with steps and paths leading who knows where. Dan remembers where they all lead to though, he can just picture him and Phil, aged 10, in their own little fantasy worlds, chasing each other up and down the stairs, along the lengths of the various paths. Really it seems as if it was just yesterday and not 12 years ago. Suddenly Dan starts to feel old. He tells himself not to do a careful, sweeping gaze of the yard to see if Phil’s around but fortunately, he’s nowhere to be seen. He’s not sure what he’d do if he had to spend time with Phil right now. Dig his own grave and bury himself inside it. Probably.

He sits at a table with Adrian, making simple conversation while their parents go off to talk with other friends and neighbours. He spots some parents of friends from his old year group but no one near his age and no one he’s interested in talking to.

Eventually, Adrian finds someone he knows and Phil’s brother, Martyn comes up to him, along with his girlfriend Cornelia. Dan remembers that they were just getting together while he and Phil were dating, so he’s glad at least one of the Lester brother’s long-term relationships actually panned out. He always had a bit of a crush on Cornelia, with her easy going personality and fiery red hair but mostly, he was just intimidated by her, and Martyn.

“Man it’s been so long since I last saw you, how’ve you been?” Martyn asks, he has a hand around Cornelia’s waist.

“Good, I mean, this coming year’s my last year of uni so that’s nice.”

“I’m sure, you took a gap year didn’t you?” Martyn asks, though Dan knows he already knows that the answer is yes, he was bound to find out from Phil. Dan still remembers all the arguments he and Phil found themselves in because of their differing paths.

Dan nods, jokingly he says, “Can’t say I did too much else besides working but it was nice to have a break from school.”

“You’re studying law, aren’t you?” Cornelia pipes up.

“Well I started out with law but switched to philosophy. Basically, after first term I realized how much I absolutely hated law.

“Those are both really tricky though Dan, look at you go!” An overly sympathetic smile, which all the Lesters seem to possess, spreads across Martyn’s face.

Dan gives a small laugh, cheeks turning red.

“What about you two? I mean, how are you? It’s nice to see that you’re still sticking it out.” Martyn laughs at that.

“We’re living in London now actually. It’s been about three months but we’re really loving it. There’s so much to do, so many people, so many new things, it’s incredible.” Cornelia looks as if she could go on and on talking about it. Martyn looks at her as if he’d listen to every single second.

“Yeah I can’t get rid of this one, unfortunately, she follows me everywhere.” Martyn squeezes Cornelia’s side and she rolls her eyes up at him. “Anyway, we better head back inside and help mum before she has us by our ears.”

“Good luck with that,” Dan nods, “it's great to see you both.”

They both return Dan’s compliment with some form of _it’s great to see you too_ before they’re on their way back inside and Dan’s alone again. He sits comfortably for a bit, observing everything around him. As he looks to the backdoor of the house, he does a double take. Out of the backdoor steps out none other than Phil himself. He begins to think his life isn’t reality and that he actually lives inside a movie. Before Dan knows it, he’s looking around for any sight of Adrian or anyone he can go and talk to so he won’t be out in the open. Not to mention, alone, in front of his ex.

Alright, maybe his life isn't a movie, because if it was he'd have some clever escape plan or a fake partner he could use to make himself seem happier with his relationship status than he really is. But he has neither so that's how he finds himself stuck in a too small wooden chair at a too small wooden table, face to face with Phil.

“Hey stranger,” Phil’s keeps his hands in his pockets, looking slightly uncomfortable.

“Hi,” Dan keeps his voice steady but internally, he can hear his heartbeat in his ears.

“It’s... been a long time,” Phil states the blatantly obvious.

Dan nods quietly, but keeps his lips pressed together and says nothing. The tension in the air is so thick, it's almost tangible. Dan’s instincts are all telling him to run away from this mess before it gets worse but he doesn’t. Instead, he stays put.

Phil sighs lightly, “D’you wanna… drink? Or... anything?”

“Yeah, uh, sure.” Dan gets up quickly and thinks about how this would be the perfect opportunity to rush over to his parents or completely run away from Phil, but he’s not a ten year old kid anymore and they’re not playing a game of chase, so he lets Phil guide him to a table set up outside with a plethora of different drinks to choose from and a bucket filled to the brim with ice.

“Rum and coke?” Phil asks.

“You remembered.” Dan feels stupid saying it but he doesn’t really know what else to say or how to fill in the awkward gaps in conversation.

“Guess I just have an amazing memory don’t I?” Phil gloats as he’s unscrewing the bottle of rum.

“Wow, you know your ego’s grown since the last time I saw you. But you've gotten shorter ”

“Hey! You know you're supposed to be _overly_ nice to people you haven't seen in three years.” Phil laughs, topping off the drink with coke and handing it to Dan, who replies with a simple _thanks._ “Really though, I just think _you've_ gotten taller.” Phil looks as if he's about to put his hand out and touch Dan’s shoulder or the top of his head, to emphasize how much taller he's gotten but, he stops himself and drops his arm back by his side.

“Looks like it,” Dan’s looking Phil straight in the eyes, well not completely straight, he has at least two inches on Phil. They stay like that for a second, two, three…

“Wanna sit somewhere?” Phil asks finally, scoping out the yard for someplace quiet for the two of them but there seems to be people absolutely everywhere. “Or, uh, we could take a walk if you want?”

Dan doesn’t know what else to do but agree so he walks side by side with Phil, ignoring Adrian’s questioning glance as they pass by him. He obviously has the wrong idea in his head about what they’re up to. Dan takes a sip of his drink and says, “I can’t remember the last time I was over here.”

“Right before we both left for uni, wasn’t it?” Phil says it the same way one would say, _the sky is blue,_ as if it was a clear cut fact. But Dan knows he’s right. “Same time we broke things off.”

“Oh yeah, right, how could I forget.” Dan hates that Phil brings that up, especially so casually, so quickly after seeing each other for the first time in years. Dan makes no attempt to continue the conversation in that direction.

They walk up a set wooden stairs that lead to the top of a small hill in Phil’s backyard, it looks over the back of the house, yards of the neighbouring houses, houses across the street and some buildings a few streets down. It's a nice view, especially at a time like this, when the sun is just thinking about setting, but still burning bright. At the top, there’s a mostly empty shed and bench, a couple of untended plants, some shrubs and a tire swing tied to a sturdy tree branch. Dan’s sure the swing hasn’t been used in years but he can remember countless times when he and Phil would hang out up here. When they were younger, it was where they’d test out risky tricks on the tire swing or it was a good place for hide and seek. But as they grew older it became a nice spot to watch the sunset or a private space away from everyone else.

Phil claims his spot on the bench, looks out at the view and Dan sits right beside him, he closes his eyes and takes in a breath. “It’s crazy to think that last time we were here, we hadn’t even started uni and now it’s over.”

“For you. I still have another year.”

Dan knows Phil hasn’t forgotten that easily, with the big fuss he caused over Dan taking a gap year, there’s no way he could’ve forgotten. He’s just playing dumb, making simple, small conversation. “Right, yeah. Well you’ll be done soon enough.”

“Mhm.” He glances at Phil quickly, but reverts back to cloud gazing.

They smile politely at one another and fall into silence again.

“I know it’s strange to say,” Phil says suddenly, as if he’s about to admit something big, “But, I’m a little sad that it’s over. Honestly.”

“Easier to say if you enjoy what you’re studying.”

“Law not treat you well?” Phil pokes fun and Dan’s sure he’s remembering all the times that Dan would complain and moan about his A Level law course. And all the times that Phil provided to be a perfect distraction from it.

Dan shrugs, rests his head back on the bench and looks up to the sky. “Never did, that’s why I switched to Philosophy after first semester.”

“Oh? I didn’t know that.”

“Yup, probably the best decision I’ve ever made honestly.”

Phil stays silent for a bit, he almost seems forlorn, as if he’s carefully processing everything, contemplating what to say next, he finally says, “Well then I’m happy for you. It suits you, always thinking... and whatever else it is that philosophers do.”

Dan laughs loudly. “I’d hope it suits me, I mean it’s still a painstaking amount of reading to do but, it’s a hell of a lot more interesting.”

“I’m sure…” Phil trails off, not sure of what else to add to the conversation.

It’s a bit awkward, Dan admits but definitely not as bad as he expected it to be. Sometimes it's nice to just enjoy the quiet company of someone, especially someone he hasn’t seen in a while. He’s unsure of where they stand with each other. Though, there is a feeling of discomfort and insecurity that hangs over him. When the silence begins to drag on for a bit too long for Dan’s liking, he tries to rack his brain for something, anything interesting to say.

It’s almost as if Phil’s reading his mind because he starts to speak again. To say he’s grateful for that is an understatement. “Are you staying here for the whole summer? Taking any vacations?”

“No, no just staying here, working. You?”

“Nah, my family took our yearly trip to Florida in earlier this month so now we’re back here for the rest of the summer. Nice for us both to be back in the same place, I guess.”

 _I guess?_ Dan really tries not to over analyze every little thing that comes out of Phil’s mouth.

“I mean I can’t say I’ve missed Stroud or most of the people here but, I’ve definitely missed this place, up here, I mean. It’s… nice.” He tries his hardest not to look in Phil’s direction.

There’s a beat. “I’ve missed you – being here, I mean.” Phil’s looking down at the ground, not daring to look Dan in the eyes.

“Phil.” Dan says weakly and he can hear his own voice crack. _Why is he doing this?_ Dan thinks, _Why is he mentioning this again?_ He begins to wonder if Phil is some sort of sadist. Shouldn’t there be some sort of unspoken agreement that they won’t talk about this. At least, not now, this is way too soon for Dan’s liking. “God,” he mutters under his breath.

“Sorry,” Phil looks like he’s about to curl in on himself.

“I am too sober for this.” Dan gets up from the bench, finishing whatever’s left of his rum and coke in one big swig.

“I’m sorry really, I shouldn’t have brought that up–that was stupid of me. Please, sit. I… I wanna talk to you Dan.” 

“Okay, let’s talk then,” Dan sits back down and turns to face Phil, his arm over the back of the bench, “So tell me more about uni...”

“We already talked about that, don’t be so boring, you sound like one of my aunties.” Phil gives Dan a light shove on the shoulder.

“Alright, celebrity fuck lists, let’s go!” Dan shouts loudly.

“Dan!” Phil exclaims, looking mildly horrified, worried about the guests below hearing.

“What? I thought you wanted me to spice things up!”

“Yes, though _I’m_ too sober for this but… that can be fixed…”

*

Two hours later and Dan and Phil are both at the point of drunk where they think absolutely everything is hilarious. They’re reminiscing over stories from their childhood and teenage years and crying with laughter, Martyn, who’s talking with some kind-looking older lady, gives them a concerned, confused look. Which only causes Dan and Phil to laugh more.

Martyn finishes upz his conversation and walks over to where they’re standing by the drink table. Originally they’d been up on the hill but ultimately decided it was best to have quick access to anymore alcohol they may need. “You two alright?” he asks.

“Never better,” Phil smiles widely, squeezing Dan’s arm.

“I’ll leave you two it then…” He gives them a smile before walking off to find Cornelia.

“He was so confused,” Dan laughs, keeping Phil’s arm linking with his.

“Mhm,” Phil agrees, before pulling Dan to follow him to the small set of chairs and a table.

They watch as their parents talk with other adults, probably talking about something that’s going on lately in the neighbourhood, not that either of them would have any sort of knowledge on that nowadays. They laugh politely at other people’s jokes, take sips from their not-too-cheap but not-too-expensive wine and it all just seems so… simple. So relaxed and effortless, as if they’ve done this a million times before. Is that what everyone’s expected to do? Have get togethers with old friends and have a catch up on the last three years of everyone’s lives, pretending that they actually give a shit? Dan imagines himself in that position, years from now with all his old friends from high school, it looks and sounds completely dreadful so he brings it up to Phil.

“D’you ever think about how in 20 years, we’re gonna be just like this, friends at a dinner party but not much else?”

“Don’t say that.” Phil says, admonishing Dan, fairly steady and serious in his words despite his drunkenness.

“What do you mean? It’s the truth.”

“We’re not gonna be just that, we can’t be just that. I won’t let it happen.” Phil shakes his head.

Dan looks at him, blinking, “Well you sure as hell haven’t done a good job of that so far.”

“S’that supposed to mean?” Phil sounds hurt.

Dan doesn’t respond right away. He thinks of himself, checking his phone for texts and checking Phil’s social media to see what he’s up to but always being met with disappointment and resentment. “I don’t know, ever think of calling or texting me while at uni?”

“S’not like _you_ did any better. We kept in touch in the beginning anyways but, life gets busy Dan, you know how uni is c’mon.” Phil pauses. “Hell, we’re both at fault here.”

Dan thinks of himself going out to uni parties, getting plastered and ignoring Phil’s calls back the next morning, too hungover to deal with anything he’d said the night previously. “I guess you’re right, sorry.”

“It’s alright. But hey, we’re both back in town, we’re reconnecting… right now. We’ll keep this up? Okay? I promise.”

“Pinky promise?” Dan jokes, nudging Phil with his elbow.

“Pinky promise.” Phil takes Dan’s hand in his own and locks their pinky fingers together.

“You ‘n me, we’re more than just future dinner party friends. Always were, you know that.”

And Dan does.

He spends a bit more just sitting with Phil and talking, until his mum makes her way over to them both.

“Oh Phil! It’s so great to see you!” She exclaims, opening her arms for a hug which he gladly returns. “You know I’ve told Dan to go visit you whenever he’s back from university but…”

“ _Mum.”_ Dan says, voice stern, cutting off whatever she had left to say and causing her to break away from the hug. His mum speaks her mind, which on occasion is lovely but more often than not, it’s incredibly embarrassing.

At the time, Dan didn’t dare tell his mum he and Phil were dating, nor his dad. He still hasn’t and he’s not sure when he ever will, his parents always just assumed that they were really close friends, best friends.

“Sorry, anyway Dan, we should be going soon, can’t leave Colin alone for too long.”

“Yeah I’ll be out front in a sec.”

Dan’s mum takes one last look at the two of them, “Oh I’m just so glad to see you to spending time together again.”

“Mum,” Dan complains, face flushing. He’s acting as if he’s 12 years old.

“Okay, okay, I’m going!” She laughs before heading off to find Adrian.

“Sorry about that,” Dan turns to Phil and runs a hand through his hair, attempting to seem casual.

“It’s fine.” Phil holds in a laugh, smiling wide instead. “Besides she’s right. This is nice.”

“It is, that’s why we made our promise and that’s why we’re going to keep it.”

“ _Pinky promise._ ” Phil emphasizes.

“Oh of course, you can’t break that.”

“Pretty sure it’s illegal.”

They both fall into quiet laughter before Dan speaks up.

“Hey you know what, I’m working a few shifts a week and weekends at that coffee shop, _Deja Brew_ , stupid pun I know, but, it’s just down the street from my house actually if you wanted, uh, you could come visit me? Not visit me that sounds weird, but if you could come in if you want, I’m sure I could give you a discount or… something.” Dan stammers, rambles maybe a bit too much but Phil looks at him with a soft sincerity in his eyes.

“Of course Dan, yeah, I’d love that.”

“Great,” Dan doesn’t break Phil’s gaze.

“Great.” Phil repeats.

“Dan!” Adrian shouts, “Let’s go!”

“Duty calls,” Dan says and immediately regrets it. _What is he thinking?_

“I’ll see you then.”

“Yup!” And with that, Dan runs to catch up with Adrian.

“You can spend plenty of time with your boyfriend later.” Adrian’s the only one in Dan’s family that knew, there were a few too many incidents where he’d come home from school only to find them snuggled up on the sofa playing video games when he would want to watch TV.

“He is _not_ my boyfriend,” Dan hisses.

“Mhmm.”

Dan shoves him and gets into his mum’s car.

*

Dan’s shifts at the local cafe, _Deja Brew,_ are long and tiring but it gives him quite a bit of time to just people watch and make up stories in his head about the customers that come in and he quite likes doing that, it's a good way to pass the time at the very least. For example there's a girl who’s just about a few years younger than he is who comes in almost everyday, she always orders the same latte and sits down with her laptop and writes for hours. Dan’s never asked about it though he is curious but he simply smiles and appreciates the tips she gives every so often. And there's the group of older ladies who come in every couple weeks to catch up over tea. Or the numerous first dates that Dan has witnessed, most of which never seem to go anywhere and the couples are never seen again, leading him to wonder what happened. Although their town is quiet, comfortable and familiar, Dan could never live there for the rest of his life but he still appreciates the odd cast of characters that inhabit it.

This day, is not one of those people watching days though, as Dan can't help but replay absolutely everything that happened last night with Phil. His mind’s still a little foggy from too many drinks but he still remembers Phil’s soft look in his eyes and how distant they felt from the world sitting up together on that bench. Above all though, he remembers his and Phil’s promise to keep in touch, to actually put effort into their friendship as they had done so many years ago. He feels guilty thinking about how suddenly they drifted apart once they weren't living a 10 minute walk away from each other. But it's not his fault nor is it Phil’s, it's both of theirs and if they're going to make this work again they're both going to need to put in the effort. Reflecting on this inspires him to pull out his phone and send a quick text to Phil.

Dan: _hey! hope ur number is still the same lol but i had a great time last night ;)_

The café’s in its quietest hours so he can afford to do this. As he’s leaning against the counter and hitting send, his co worker, Ashley, appears beside him, peering over his shoulder.

“Ooo who's Phil?” she asks.

“A friend.” It's the truth.

“You sure? That winky face looked a bit more than friendly…”

“What…” Dan trails off and looks back down at his message. “Oh shit I meant to send a smiley face. Jesus christ.” He places a hand to his forehead, he admits it is funny, cliché but funny. He sends Phil a joking apology.

“It happens to the best of us.” She admits, “I remember doing that to my girlfriend about a week after we first met and it was mortifying but we’ve been together 2 years now.”

“So moral of the story is…” Dan begins.

“Winky faces– Sorry, _accidental_ winky faces lead to long lasting, healthy relationships,” a grin spreads across her face.

“Inspiring.” Dan laughs. “Thanks, though I'm not sure this is that sort of situation.” Sure they had a thing once, a brief, stupid teenage thing and it might be a relationship to which Dan has yet to match its length, nothing is going to happen between them. He put himself through enough last time.

“Whatever you say.” She flips her dark ringlets dramatically over her shoulder. Which makes Dan laugh even more. He likes Ashley, he really does. She's the only one of his co-workers who even bothers to give him the time of day. She was the first person he became friends with after moving back home and honestly, he really appreciates their friendship. because of that. No matter how surface level it may be. Ashley is a few years older than Dan and she's working towards her PhD in Biology which is literally insane to Dan, he's pretty sure she's an undercover genius but just doesn't like to brag about it. Otherwise she's witty and honest in that helpful, advice-giving-way and she loves Radiohead. Which is all Dan asks for in a friend really.

Just as he's about to quip something back at her, his phone buzzes.

 **Phil:** _Don’t worry about the winky face hahaha ;))) I had a great time too, it was so nice catching up!!!! :-)_

Dan breathes a small sigh of relief. And then a second later, he gets another text.

**Phil:** _Also are you free this tuesday evening?_

It's Sunday. That’s two days from now, he could make it work if Ashley is an angel and takes his shift.

“Ashley?” Dan calls and she lifts her head up from the cashier where she's getting the right amount of change for a customer.

She plops the few coins into a middle-aged woman’s hand and turns to face Dan.

“Would you do me the honour of taking my shift on Tuesday evening?” He hopes adding a hint of humour will convince her.

“The honour,” she scoffs and strolls over to where he's standing, crossing her arms.

“Why? What’d he say?”

“Nothing!” Dan exclaims, “Just wanted to hang out then.”

“Hang out? What are you fourteen?”

“Really it's nothing. Ashley c’mon!”

She gives him an unamused look, “Do you want me to take this shift of yours or not?”

“Ugh fine, fine,” He hands her his phone, he really doesn't have anything to hide.

“All those exclamation marks? Daaaaan.” She sing songs as if exclamation marks really mean anything.

“That's just Phil, he's always like that.”

“Uh huh sure.” She finishes reading the messages. “Anyway, I’ll take your shift, I think he likes you.”

Dan sighs, both parts annoyed and amused. “We used to have a thing…we dated once actually, in sixth form. Lasted almost a year but we were only 17 and you can't expect a relationship to go very far at that age.”

Ashley’s expression changes, her eyes widen in surprise. “Sorry, I was just joking around…”

“I know, I know it's fine,” he trails off, “We drifted apart at uni but now that we’re both back home we figured it'd be nice to reconnect.”

“Aw Dan,” She places her hand on his shoulder and he rolls his eyes, smiling. “Obviously I don't know all your history but… I think this is good for you two.”

“Me too.” Dan smiles tentatively, “I hope so.”

Just then, a customer comes up to the counter and they're both back at work. Dan really does appreciate all that Ashley does for him. Listening to everything and anything he has to say, because there's no one else he can really talk to about all this. Ashley doesn't share much about her private life but Dan hopes she knows he'd do the same for her.

As Dan is preparing a cappuccino, he catches Ashley’s eye, she's fiddling with the cash register but he mouths a _thank you_ to her. She gives him a smile and suddenly Dan fills with excitement at the prospect of seeing Phil again in just two days. For the first time in a while, Dan’s able to say that his life’s going pretty well.

**OCTOBER 2008**

Dan’s been pining over Phil for years. It isn’t until the fall in their last year of school that he decides to act on it. Dan had spent the entirety of that summer trying to resist the urge to off himself while working at Asda and convincing himself that he didn’t have feelings for Phil. As he lays in the grass on the hill at a park, he isn’t intending for anything to happen between them.

Originally, they’d come to the park with a group of friends, the lot of them all planning to get trashed but for whatever reason, Phil really didn’t feel like it that night, something about having homework to do the next day. Not that really Dan bought the excuse but he didn’t mind, so he stayed behind with Phil at the park while their friends went off to leech drinks off of someone’s older sibling.

The sun had set long ago by at this time, the sky shifting into dark blue and the air turning cool. Maybe that’s why Phil decides to snuggle up next to him, he’s just cold. They’ve always had a close relationship, to the point where they felt comfortable with contact unlike most teenage boys their age.

Phil leans his head on Dan’s shoulder, their arms pressings against each other’s. “It’s too cold, I want it to be summer again.”

Dan looks down to see Phil putting on a pout, he smiles at how ridiculous it is.“You’re just a wuss.”

Phil’s face immediately changes to one of false offense. “And you’re just mean.”

“Please,” Dan scoffs, moving his arm to place it around Phil’s shoulder. He doesn’t mean to do it but it just seems natural and luckily, Phil doesn’t seem to mind. If anything, Phil seems to enjoy it, taking Dan’s hand off his shoulder and into his own.

“Better?” Dan asks, in a slightly sarcastic tone.

“Much better.” Phil nods, nustling his head in the crook of Dan’s neck.

Dan feels a sense of warmth overcoming him, taking pleasure in the fact that Phil takes such comfort in this, takes comfort in it in the same way that he does. He feels protective, wanting to hold Phil like this for as long as he’ll let him and he wants to preserve this memory, to be able to replay it and relive it over and over forever. He feels his heart tripping over itself at their closeness and it’s strange to him because it’s not as if contact like this is out of the ordinary for them but the way that Phil is initiating it, it feels different. It makes him almost fearful, as if he has to live up to expectations of some sort.

They lie like that in silence for what seems like hours but what is probably only ten minutes, they watch the stars finally begin to sprinkle into the sky, glimmering and showing themselves off to the world.

“It’s so pretty,” Phil sighs, “I love it, you can’t see stars like this in the city.”

It’s not as if they live in the middle of nowhere but their town is definitely not nearly as big as a city, there’s hardly any buildings over five stories.

“Yeah, no air pollution really gives me the time to study all these stars and constellations, ya know?”

Phil snorts, “Since when have you ever–”

Dan lifts an arm up to the sky, cutting Phil off, “Like, for example, see that star over there?” Dan points to the first star he sees, he knows absolute shit about space.

“Yeah, what about it?”

“Well, the legend goes that…” Dan pauses for a dramatic effect. “It says, you’re a nerd.”

Phil pushes him away, punching him lightly on the arm and all the warmth leaves Dan’s side as he bursts out into laughter.

“Stop! Stop! C’mon!” He grabs a hold a Phil’s hands to stop him.

“How dare you? This is fellow nerd slander.” Phil shakes his hands free from Dan’s grasp. “You nerd.” He gets up and starts to make his way down the hill. 

“Hey!” Dan calls out after him.

“It’s the truth Dan! The key to nerd self acceptance is admitting to yourself that you are, in fact, a nerd.”

“Wow thank you philosopher Lester. So deep, so inspiring. Please share more of your wisdom with us.” Dan leans back down on the grassy hill, resting his hands behind his head.

“Hmm… let’s see…” Phil turns around and starts walking back towards Dan. He pretends to stroke an invisible beard, he puts on a stiff, posh English accent. “Throughout my expansive career I have delved into the complexities of human personality and with all the research I’ve done and the studies I’ve conducted, I’ve finally come to the conclusion that…” He stands with his feet on either side of Dan, looking down at him. “Dan Howell is an annoying nerd.”

“Hey! Rude!”

“We’re even now.” Phil shrugs.

“Okay, okay, now come sit down, this is weird with you standing over me like that.”

“Make me.”

Dan knows Phil’s joking but he pays no attention to that and grabs onto one of Phil’s hands and pulls him to sit down. Unfortunately, thanks to Phil’s extreme clumsiness and lack of coordination and thanks to Dan’s poorly thought out plan, instead of Phil landing next to Dan as intended, he lands on top of Dan. “Ugh, god, Phil,” he groans.

“Sorry, sorry.”

“Ouch.”

Phil’s laughing despite the total awkwardness and discomfort. He shifts so that he’s straddling Dan’s lap. “There we go. That better?”

“Mhm,” Dan hums but he’s mostly just focused on their proximity, the position that they’re in is, well, new to say the least. He can feel his heart rattling in his chest and heat rising to his face.

Phil makes note of this as he reaches out and cups Dan’s face with his cold but soft hand. “It's too dark, I can't see anything. My god you're like a heater.”

“At your service, though maybe you should've worn your glasses then, you doofus.”

“It's alright.” Phil says and Dan can barely make out the outline of his face, his nose, his shaggy black hair falling into his eyes. There's not much light to go by besides that of the streetlights. “You can be my guide.”

“You should really be paying me for all I do for you. Being your heater, your eyes. You know I think I deserve some compensation.”

“Really?” Dan can imagine Phil raising an eyebrow as he says this, running his thumb over Dan’s cheek. “How?” His voice is curious, questioning, just louder than a whisper. It sends an excited chill up Dan’s spine.

Dan removes Phil’s hand from his cheek and links it with his own. “Like…” He leans in, slowly, watching carefully as Phil’s eyes follow his each and every movement, flickering back and forth, making sure he's on board. Just a few inches closer and they'd be pressed up together. “This,” Dan’s voice comes out more as a breath.

Phil’s eyes shut and before Dan can even think about it properly, before he knows it, he's pressed his lips to Phil’s. _Shit,_ his brain goes off, spiralling and panicking because, this is what he's wanted for years and he's finally done it. But how will Phil react? Will he be surprised or will his feelings be reciprocated? Will Dan have worried and tried to suppress his feelings for years for nothing?

Somehow, in the darkness, Phil finds Dan’s hips and places his hands on them. He takes over, kissing Dan slowly and softly and causing him to grab hold of Phil’s arms to ground himself.

A surge of happiness sparks within Dan at the fact that after all his doubting and repression, Phil's sitting in his lap and kissing him. It definitely feels unreal and he has the urge to pinch himself. He probably would if he wasn't so… preoccupied.

Eventually, Phil pulls away and the two of them sit there for a few seconds, simply staring at each other.

“Okay,” Phil says but it comes out as more of a laugh, and a nervous one at that. “Well that was…”

“Different,” Dan finishes.

“Yes but, nice,” Phil assures, holding onto Dan’s hand.

Dan looks down at their interlocked hands, busying himself by playing with Phil’s fingers, too scared to make direct eye contact with Phil, despite the darkness clouding over them. “I’ve been meaning to do that for way too long.”

“Yeah?”

Dan nods, cautiously shifting his gaze back up to meet Phil’s.

“Me too,” Phil smiles and suddenly he’s leaning in for another kiss, which Dan gladly returns.

It’s nice, incredibly so, just sitting up on a hill, kissing with no one around to disturb them. Sure, Dan’s kissed girls during stupid games at parties but this, this is definitely different and better, more meaningful. Being with someone who he truly loves and cares about, it heightens everything, his emotions, his reactions. He finds himself filled with enjoyment as opposed to the nothingness he feels when kissing someone just because it's expected of him by his friends and classmates. In the strangest way, it's therapeutic to finally have all his feelings and confusion regarding his sexuality, and additionally, Phil, affirmed.

Phil rests his head on Dan’s shoulder as Dan runs his hand up and down Phil’s arm.

“You know, we could go back to my house,” Dan proposes.

“Yeah, okay,” Phil plants another kiss on Dan’s lips. “Sounds good.”

Suddenly, there’s a rustling and some footsteps and before either of them can even move, their friend Elsie is climbing up the hill to them. “Hey!” she starts to say but stops dead in her tracks when she registers the position they’re in and their proximity to one another. She looks from Dan to Phil, Phil to Dan, and under her breath she mutters, “Oh shit.”

Dan can see the absolute worry and fear in Phil’s eyes, he’s filled with shock like a deer in headlights. He pushes Phil off of him and jumps to his feet, facing Elsie, “Wait, I–, it–.”

“I knew you two were attached at the hip but I never thought…” She holds her hands up in front of her, not daring to finish the end of her sentence.

“It’s not what it looks like.” Phil pipes up from where he’s sitting on the ground, though his voice is weak, wavering, he doesn’t even sound confident in what he’s saying.

Elsie crosses her arm and puts on a stern face, “D’you think I’m an idiot? I’ve known you two for years, I know what’s going on here.” She waggles a finger back and forth between them.

Dan begins to worry irrationally, as he often does. He knows Elsie and he trusts her but this is such an secretive, intimate part of himself that he can’t imagine what he’d do if she told anyone about this, about him and Phil. What sort of repercussions would that have? Would it spread? Would people stop being friends with him? Would his parents somehow find out and disown him? Would he cause his uptight Christian grandmother to have a heart attack and die? He doesn’t know what would happen and the uncertainty does nothing but spread more panic within him.

“I’m just sad you guys didn’t tell me sooner!” Elsie exclaims and Dan and Phil look at each other with a mixture of utter confusion and complete disbelief. Still, Phil gasps a breath of relief. “I always thought you guys would be so sweet together, I’ve been waiting for this for years!”

“Oh,” Dan says slowly, this is definitely not how he expected this to go. “Hahaha. Thanks.” He mocks laughter, still unsure of how to go about a situation like this.

Phil gets up from his spot on the ground, dusting off the grass and dirt from his jeans. “Yeah, uh, sorry, thanks?”

“Don’t be sorry! I’m just glad I know now!” She wraps them both in a bear hug, and although it’s sweet and Dan appreciates Elsie’s happiness and acceptance, he can’t shake the fear that she could spread this around to people.

“Yeah, see the thing is,” Dan detaches himself from the hug. “I don’t really want people to know,” he finishes quickly.

She lets go of Phil finally and he links his arm with Dan, nodding. They’re playing it up a bit but if it ends up working, Dan doesn’t really mind.

“Oh, okay. That’s alright. You know, people always tell me I’m good at keeping secrets.”

They both laugh nervously at that, usually people who proclaim to be good at keeping secrets are, in fact, the worst.

“Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me,” She mimes zipping up her lips.

“Thanks,” Phil smiles politely.

Elsie bursts into conversation with her usual overly excited, cheerful tone. “Anyway, the reason I came over here was to ask you guys if you wanted to come over to Tom’s. He got a shit ton of beer and cider from his brother and there’s only six of us there right now, I don’t know if–”

Dan interrupts, “That sounds great but I think we were just gonna head back to my place actually.”

“Oh,” she raises an eyebrow. “Okay, well have fun then you two.” She winks and Dan realizes, _oh no,_ that wasn’t at all what he was implying, he didn’t mean it like that.

“No, no, I didn’t mean– we–”

“Mhmm, alright, sure.” She turns around and begins to head back down the hill.

“Stop it!”

“Be safe! Use protection!” Elsie calls when she’s reached the bottom of the hill.

“Oh god,” Phil mutters once she’s out of sight, he buries his head into Dan’s chest. “Please kill me now.”

“No way, how else am I going to follow Elsie’s directions otherwise?”

“Dan!” Phil cries, clearly embarrassed, he hits him on the arm.

“What? You’re not even going to let me woo you?”

“No.” Phil grabs onto Dan’s arm and begins to walk down the hill, pulling him along. “I wanna sleep.”

“Okay old man.”

“You’re mean,” Phil says, wrapping both his arms around Dan’s right.

“You love it.”

“Meh.” Phil grunts jokingly as the two take the familiar route back to Dan’s house.

*

The next morning, Dan wakes up with Phil by his side, just as he has many times before when Phil has slept over. Except this time, they weren't back to back or awkwardly spooned, this time, Phil has his arm wrapped around Dan’s stomach and their heads sharing a pillow. They're both fairly tall and lanky and it probably shouldn't work with them sleeping in Dan’s small double bed but somehow, they find a way to manage.

Phil’s first to wake, he hobbles out of bed in his boxers, and shuffles around the room to gather yesterday’s clothes. He slips on his jumper, looks over to the clock and realises it’s noon. They’d been up rather late last night. “Shit,” He mumbles and pads over to Dan, shaking his shoulder in an attempt to wake him up, instead Dan just groans and covers his eyes.

“C’mon sleepyhead.”

“Noooo,” moans Dan, grabbing onto Phil’s arm, “Come back here.”

Phil’s lips curve into a smile, “Dan, it’s noon.”

“And what? You have homework you desperately need to get to?” Dan jokes, making a nod to the excuse Phil gave to their friends earlier.

“Shut up.” Shaking his arm away from Dan’s grip, Phil picks up his jeans off the floor and slides them on.

Dan chuckles, “You’re such a shit liar Phil.”

“How do you expect me to come back to bed with you if you’re going to be mean to me?”

“‘Cause you love me,” Dan stretches his arm back behind his head, his face is plastered with a smirk. He realises that saying this, may be pushing it, even if things have changed between he and Phil, it’s still new and different for the both of them. While it’s exciting and while Dan’s happy this has all happened, he can’t deny that at the same time, he’s scared, terrified that he’ll completely screw things and ruin their relationship for good. Whether that be romantic or platonic.

But Phil simply hums in agreement, doesn’t seem taken aback or surprised or disgusted so Dan supposes it’s okay. He supposes also that he and Phil already do love each other, having grown up together and spent their whole lives together. In the time since he realised his feelings for Phil, Dan has also realised that even if it’s not something that they say to each other in so many words, they’re both aware of how much they mean to each other, through little things, little gestures of affection. Like Dan coming over to Phil’s when he’s sick with all his favourite sweets for them to binge on while watching entirety of Buffy for the fifth time.

Eventually, Dan hauls himself out of bed and puts on clothes for the day. The two eat a quiet breakfast with Dan’s mum hovering around them, making small talk, unnecessarily busying herself in the kitchen. Dan tries not to get too annoyed, as it’s something his mum always seems to do, it seems to be her somewhat strange way to show that she cares.

“I didn’t know you came in last night Phil, what time did you two come home last night?”

“Not sure,” Dan says chewing on his Shreddies, “around midnight maybe?” Dan’s parents, well more so his mum, have never been too strict about curfew which Dan seriously appreciates and his friends seriously envy.

“That explains why you two slept in til noon.”

“When don’t I?”

“Not sure that’s something to be proud of Daniel,” She admonishes and Phil snorts.

The two finish up their cereal, Phil politely answering Dan’s mum’s questions about his summer and his first month of school. “Say hi to your parents for me,” she calls after they’ve cleaned out their bowls and head out the door.

“Will do!” Phil calls back, letting the door slam shut behind them.

They’re walking the route back to Phil’s house, turning the corner onto the main road, when Dan says, “Sorry about her.”

“Dan, please, I love her. She’s like my second mother.”

“Good” Dan laughs, “Because she really will be once she finds out about this.”

It takes Phil a moment to understand what he means, he stops in his tracks. “What? Dan, no. No.” He’s shaking his head,“She’s _not_ gonna know about this and neither is my mum. Neither is anyone.”

“Phil…”

“Dan.” His eyes are stern, serious but scared.

“Okay, alright, I just thought…” He’s not sure what he thought but he’s not sure how he thought how this would play out. He just kind of assumed that, as with most people’s relationships, others would just _know_.

“Dan, I was serious about Elsie not knowing, I don’t want…” Phil seems as if he’s choking up. “I”m not ready to– I can’t–.”

Dan places a hand on Phil’s arm, “Hey, hey, don’t worry. It’s okay, if you’re not ready to come out. Or if you don’t wanna tell people.” He takes Phil into his arms, wrapping him up into a tight hug, running his hand up and down his back. “We don’t have to. It’s our secret… okay?”

“Okay,” Phil pulls away, his voice wavers.

Out of everyone in his life, Dan values Phil the most. He’s the only person he can tell anything to, without any fear of judgement, the only person he can spend hours and day after day with and still not get bored or annoyed with him. So if Phil would rather keep this just between them, keep this private, Dan will. If Phil would rather not go through the strain of telling other people and having to deal with opinions and judgement and possible rejection, Dan will.

*

Much to Dan’s dismay, he runs into Elsie the next day, he’s just leaving his final class for the day when he feels a hand on his shoulder. He turns around and is faced with her curly orange mane, from which she twists and untwists a strand, almost as a nervous twitch. They tuck into a quiet corner to talk privately.

“Hey.”

“What’s up?” he asks, trying not to seem like he’s freaking out internally, wondering what on earth she could possible have to say, to tell him.

“I just wanted to say sorry for yesterday.” She’s fiddling with her thumbs. “I really didn’t mean to surprise you guys or anything, I had no idea.”

Dan can tell she feels really guilty and he feels bad because of it. “Hey, seriously don’t worry about it. It’s water under the bridge, okay?”

She nods, “Okay, thanks Dan.”

Just as Dan’s about to reply, a voice interrupts him. “Since when have you two been friends?”

When Dan’s gaze sets on the person speaking, he has to resist every urge to roll his eyes, and run away.He does neither.

“What do you want Michelle?” Elsie folds her arms in front of her chest.

“Well if I could talk to Dan without… you around, that’d be lovely.” Michelle’s had a crush on Dan since the first year of secondary school and she does the absolute bare minimum to be inconspicuous about it so he tries to avoid her at all costs.

Elsie’s eyes narrow, she glares at Michelle, she looks as if she’s resisting the urge to slap her, and Dan doesn’t blame her.

“Actually, you know Michelle, Elsie and I, we, uh, have to get going,” He steps in, grabbing Elsie by the arm.

Michelle looks skeptical, “Going where?”

“We’re going to…” Dan racks his brain, trying to think of any possible excuse, no matter how stupid or unbelievable. Suddenly, he spots Phil coming down the stairs, their eyes connect. “Phil!” He exclaims, “We’re going to Phil’s house!”

Elsie is nodding her head wildly.

Phil shoots him an unbelievably confused look, but walks over beside Dan.

Dan places a hand on Phil’s shoulder, pretending to emit a few chuckles, “There you are Phil, we were just waiting for you!” He keeps his eyes locked with Phil's, as if to signal the fact that he needs to go along with this. Somehow, probably somewhat thanks to their dozen year long friendship, Phil's able to get the memo. Unfortunately for them, Phil’s probably the worst liar and actor alive currently.

“Yes. My house. To... play that new video game.” He hasn't stopped looking Dan in the eyes.

“The video game!” Elsie cries enthusiastically, trying to salvage something from this mess of a situation.

“Yes! I'm so excited to, uh, play.” Dan looks to Michelle, who's looking between the three of them, utterly confused and thoroughly unconvinced.

“Uh huh.” She wrinkles her nose.

“Yup so we better get going…” Dan starts to walk towards the nearest exit, Phil and Elsie catching his cue and trailing behind him. “Bye!” He calls to Michelle before letting the door slam shut behind them.

As soon as they’re outside, they jog a fair bit to be certain that they're completely away from Michelle..

“The day she leaves you alone will be a miracle sent from god himself.” Elsie remarks, catching her breath.

“Tell me about it,” Dan laughs, though he looks to Phil who has an amused grin plastered on his face. “What?”

“I don't know, it's just funny to me that she likes you. I mean, who would? What could there possible be to like?”

“Oh shove off.” Dan rolls his eyes, “Plus I mean you're the one who has to put up with me.” He snakes an arm around Phil’s waist. “Maybe you should've thought this through.”

“Aw would you listen to you two.” Elsie grins.

Just as Dan rests his hand on Phil’s hip, Phil's pushing it away. He looks around in all directions, anxious, eyes darting back and forth. There are a few odd people around but no one who Dan recognizes and no one who seems remotely interested in them.

“Dan! Don't do that. I mean, who knows who could've–. I just–.” He brings his voice down to a whisper. “We talked about this.”

“Sorry, sorry you're right. Elsie's the only one who knows and the only one who will know.”

Dan walks in a guilt ridden silence for a minute or two. No matter how bad he feels, he can’t deny that he's excited about this and wants so desperately to dive in head first. But Dan’s also a fairly rational person and he knows how much of a terrible idea that is, besides, he’d rather not ruin things before they’ve even started.

Phil notices Dan’s quietness and he must feel as guilty too because, he places a hand on his arm and rubs his thumb over the cotton of his sweater. “It's okay. Really.”

As they’re walking down another street, on which Dan makes sure there's no one around, he throws his arm around Phil. Phil looks around again but quickly lets out a relieved, contented sigh and Elsie, walking just a bit in front of them, turns back and smiles. And just like that, it's comfortable, easy.

**JUNE 2012**

By the time Tuesday rolls around, Dan’s almost forgotten that he’d made plans with Phil. It’s the mid afternoon and he’s mindlessly scrolling through twitter when his phone pings with a text from Phil. He taps the notification to reveal a photo of a supermarket aisle filled with sweets. Phil’s message reads, _Which ones should I get?? :)_

He scans the photo, quickly spotting some of his favourites, fuzzy peaches and chocolate covered almonds and types up a reply to Phil.

Phil also hasn’t told Dan what they’re doing this evening, he’s wanting to keep it a surprise. Dan’s unsure as to why, which is as much exciting as it is slightly worrying. Even more worrying is the fact that Phil is driving over here, picking him up and driving them to wherever they’re going. Dan can’t remember if Phil has his full licence though he does remember that he failed his driver’s test twice. Dan will be lucky if he survives getting to the next street over with Phil behind the wheel.

A couple hours pass and Dan figures he should probably get ready so he takes a quick shower and throws on a black t shirt and jeans. Having no idea what his night holds, he figures he should at least keep it simple and casual.

Waiting around in his room, nothing but worrying thoughts seem to pass through Dan’s head. It’s been years since he properly spent time with Phil and even if this is just a simple catch up for the two of them, he can’t help but think about how different this is going to be. How different Phil’s going to be, how different he is. Even at the barbecue the other day, Dan couldn’t help but notice how much more confident and direct Phil seemed to be, no longer his self conscious, overly anxious teenage self. Dan knows he’ll adjust to the change with time, and more time spent together but isn’t at all used to it.

A buzz from his phone, tears him away from his thoughts, it’s Phil, a simple message that reads, _I’m here._ With that, Dan grabs his wallet and his phone and heads downstairs.

His Dad and Adrian are in the kitchen, trying to repair a gadget of some sort. Just as Dan’s about to head out the door, his Dad speaks up.

“Where’re you going?”

Dan turns around, “I’m going out with Phil.”

His expression changes, “Phil, god, haven’t heard that name in years.”

“He was at the barbecue.” Dan states simply.

“Really? Didn’t see him around. I must’ve missed him.” His Dad shrugs, still fiddling with whatever’s in his hands.

“Well Dan definitely didn’t,” Adrian scoffs under his breath.

Dan’s not in the mood to argue or come up with a clever quip, he just wants to leave. Dad, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to notice Adrian’s comment.

“Anyway, Phil’s driving.”

His Dad squints to make out the car pulled up in front of their house, he nods, but quickly gets back to his task at hand. “Alright.” He doesn’t seem very interested.

“I’ll be home later.” Dan says before slipping out the door. He can just make out Adrian’s joking, questioning, _Will you?_ He resists his urge to turn around and give him the finger, he’ll get him back another day.

Just as Dan gets into the passenger seat, Phil says, “I was going to beep the horn but I couldn’t figure out how to work it.”

Dan gives him a worryingly look, causing Phil to break out in a smile.

“I’m kidding!” Phil presses down on the horn a few times to get it to sound. It makes a loud _beep_ after the third try. “I just didn’t want to be obnoxious.”

Phil is a little shaky pulling away from Dan’s house and down the road.Turning the corner, he drives over the curb and Dan decides it’s probably best that he grabs hold of the safety handle.

“God Phil, I do not trust you driving.”

“Don’t worry about it. I can drive… to the supermarket.”

Dan knows Phil is trying to reassure him but, it really isn’t helping. “Are we... going to the grocery store?”

“Who do you think I am? No. It’s much better than that.”

“So will you tell me what it is?”

Phil shakes his head, “Nope, it’s a surprise.”

“A hint at least?”

“Shh you’ll see, besides, we’re almost there.”

They drive in silence for a few more minutes, Dan stares out of the window absently, trying to pass the time and keep his mind off of all the theories as to where they’re going. Before he knows it, Phil is slowing down to a stop, just outside of a public park. Dan remembers coming here a few times as a kid but can’t seem to place the name of it. There’s a few people milling about but with its lush trees towering over everything, Dan can’t tell what’s going on.

He gives Phil a questioning look.

“C’mon,” Phil’s already opening his door and hopping out of the car. He grabs his backpack from the backseat and slams the door shut.

Dan gets out of the car and follows Phil to the entrance of the park. They’re greeted with a sign that reads. _Movies in St Andrew’s Park. Tonight: Moulin Rouge._ He doesn’t know whether to hug Phil or laugh at him, of course he’d remember that Moulin Rouge was one of his absolute favourite movies of all time. Instead, he settles for, “Oh my god.”

“Surprise?” A pleased grin spreads across Phil’s face. Dan’s wondering if he too remembers when they watched the movie together, funnily enough, it was only about a week before they broke up. Phil hadn’t seen the movie, which Dan found appalling, so after enough pestering, they snuggled up in Phil’s family room and watched. Not surprisingly, Dan found himself in tears by the end of the film, but they both loved it.

“Well, I’m definitely surprised, I– uh, don't know what to say. Thanks Phil.”

“Of course. It's nothing.” Phil shrugs and starts walking towards the giant screen set up in the middle of the park. There's a good amount of people already seated around it. They settle on a spot that's farther away and more secluded. That way, they’re less likely to see anyone they know, at least Dan hopes, he’d be absolutely mortified if someone from school saw him spending time with Phil.

“Let’s get comfy!” Phil exclaims, opening his backpack to reveal a couple blankets, some snacks, drinks, and the sweets Dan had picked out earlier.

“Well look at you.” Dan’s honestly impressed, he wouldn't have done all this for someone he hasn't talked to or spent time with in years. Maybe it's a little weird Phil's doing all this but after all, he _is_ Phil, possibly the nicest person alive so he lets it slide.

They grab either end of one of the blankets, spreading it out across the grass. Dan immediately lies down on it, making himself comfortable. Phil, instead, takes out the snacks and drinks, offering Dan a bottle of coke which he can't help but say yes to.

“So when's this supposed to start?” Dan asks after a couple sips.

Phil checks his phone. “Well 8, and it's… 7:59 so, now?”

Just then, the giant screen flickers and a film company’s logo flashes across the screen. In anticipation of the film starting, Dan grabs the bag of chocolate covered almonds and opens it up. He offers some to Phil, who gladly takes a handful.

They sit for a while, still, peaceful, enjoying the opening scene, each letting out a laugh or two.

“Oh!” Phil lets out a small noise, “Wait, I brought some popcorn too.”

So the two watch contentedly, munching on popcorn and chocolate covered almonds. Dan admits the movie is a bit of a weird choice, he certainly wouldn’t have chosen it to watch with a his ex-boyfriend/childhood friend he hasn’t spoken to in years, but it’s one of his favourite movies so he can’t really complain too much.

Even if the uncomfortable tension in the air is definitely palpable. Dan’s not sure what to do or say or even how to sit. Should he come up with something clever to say about the film? Should he sit closer to Phil? He settles on just stretching his legs out, not wanting to make anything more awkward than it already is. Even if neither of them are willing to admit or acknowledge it, this is weird and different and not what they’re used to.

“I’m pretty sure I’ve forgotten everything that happens.” Phil notes about ten minutes in.

“Well lucky you. I wish I could experience all _this_ for the first time again.”

Phil gives a soft chuckle and moves to grab another handful of popcorn. “Sorry if I finish all of the popcorn, I probably will.”

“Oh I remember perfectly well, you would...,” Dan can’t even finish his sentence, he’s suddenly stricken with the oddest sensation. Sadness? Nostalgia? Close, but not quite either of them, he can’t quite place it. It’s almost like the heartbreak he felt after they’d broken up. It’s a wishing feeling, wishing for things past to return to the present. It’s reflection, recollection of all his favourite memories and least favourite memories, his best and worst moments.

What Dan remembers is that on their dates to the movie, Phil would get a large popcorn for the two of them to share. Or so, that's what he claimed, but would always ended up eating half of it just as the trailers finished. Dan didn’t mind too much though, as they would always cuddle up in the back row of the theatre.

“I would...?” Phil tilts his head to the side.

“You’d always finish the popcorn just before the movie even started.” Dan finishes with a nervous laugh.

Phil laughs too, “Right, yeah, still a habit.”

Dan wants to say more, he does, he wants to talk and have a proper conversation but he feels a heaviness on his chest, he feels stuck.

A bit more than halfway through the movie, Phil announces he’s cold and pulls out the extra blanket from his bag. He spreads it across his legs, then gestures to Dan, offering up half of it for them to share.

“Oh, I’m fine. Thanks.”

“You sure?”

Dan’s hesitant but Phil’s warm smile draws him in. He grabs hold of the blanket and scoots closer to Phil, not too close, of course. He leans back on his hands, feeling his cheeks heat up. “Thanks.”

“What can I say? I’m here to help the greater good.”

“Wow, Phil. You’re so inspirational. Such a hero.” Dan places a hand over his heart mockingly.

“Yeah, I’m actually getting knighted next week,” Phil’s voice is dripping with sarcasm.

“Wow, congrats, uh, Knight Lester.”

“It’s actually _Sir_ Phil Lester.”

Dan lets out a pure, wholehearted laugh. He had always admired how effortlessly, casually funny Phil was, never having to try too hard to get people to like him or get a laugh out of them. He’d forgotten how easy things were with Phil, and even if he’d never admit it, he misses that.

“Thank you, much better.” Phil lowers his head, imitating a courteous bow.

As the movie progresses, so does the cool breeze in the air that night. Dan tries his best to keep up his guard but he is cold, so he wraps his arms around himself and tucks his knees up to his chest.

Phil seems to take notice of this though, he tries readjusting the blanket. “Here, come cuddle up closer, we can keep each other warm.”

“Phil.” Dan’s stomach turns uncomfortably. It could be so easy to fall into this but everything in him is telling him not to, to turn away.

“What?”

“It’s just… I don’t know. This is so fucking weird. I’ve only been back from university for about two weeks and here I am, watching my favourite movie with my ex-boyfriend…?” Dan runs a hand through his hair, frustrated, confused, nervous. He’s spitting everything out, all his emotions. Rationally, Dan knows he should be holding back more, he doesn’t want to hurt Phil, he’s doing a nice, friendly thing after all, but his head has started to ache, his palms are now clammy and he’s never felt more confused.

“Do you want to leave?” Phil asks, with the utmost politeness, because that’s just who he is, but it just makes Dan even more frustrated and unsure of how to go about all of this. 

“No, no.” Dan sits up properly, covering his face with his hands. “I’m sorry, I’m just being stupid.”

“You’re not, no, it’s okay. You’re right. I’m being kinda, forward, I guess?” Dan looks up to see a distraught look painted onto Phil’s face.

“It’s okay.” Dan says meekly.

“No, if you’re uncomfortable, we can stop this, it’s fine, really.” But he’s not uncomfortable, just confused. “And if you don’t want to be friends, it’s okay too.” Dan can almost read Phil’s worrying thoughts they’re so palpable.

“ _Phil.”_ He looks back at Phil, wide eyed, scared almost. “We talked about this. I really _do_ want to be friends again, I want this to work out…” He pauses, “It’s just a lot, it’s confusing okay? I’m sorry.”

“Of course... Don’t worry about it, okay?” Phil has the world’s most reassuring smile and Dan suddenly feels comforted. He nods. The two look back at each other in a calm silence.

Phil gets up, but crouches down slightly, extending a hand to Dan. “What do you say we go get some ice cream at Luke’s?”

Luke’s. Dan had almost forgotten about the place. A small-ish cafe with bright blue walls, chalkboard menus, comfy seating, and possibly the world’s best ice cream. There were definitely summers where he and Phil went there every single week, if not every few days. He can’t say no to that.

“Of course.” Dan smiles and takes Phil’s hand, lifting him up from the ground.

**NOVEMBER 2008**

“Phil, it’s way too cold for ice cream.” Dan’s walking beside him, begrudgingly, arms crossed.

It’s the end of November, it’s definitely too cold for ice cream.

“Is Dan Howell really turning down an opportunity to have Chocolate Walnut Maple Fudge Explosion? I never thought I’d see this day.” Phil jokes, he knows that a few summers ago it was literally the only flavour of ice cream Dan would ever order.

“I hate to break it to you, but today might be that day. I’m fucking freezing, _Phillll, please._ ”

“Oh stop complaining we’ll be inside in a second.”

Dan continues to grumble. Phil rolls his eyes.

“You’re such a needy bitch.”

Dan gives an amused, pleased smile at that.

Phil looks around before wrapping an arm around Dan’s waist. “Better?”

“Mm not quite.” Dan stops in his tracks.

Phil gives an annoyed look and instead, he moves to wrap Dan in a hug from behind. “Now?”

“Much better.”

The two attempt to walk in the uncomfortable position and while it works for a few steps, eventually, due to Phil’s completely lack of balance and coordination, he’s tripping over the backs of Dan’s shoes. Phil clutches on tight to Dan’s waist. “I’m gonna fall over like this!” He exclaims.

Dan continues to walk forward, “Maybe that’s a part of my plan!”

“Nooo!” Phil untangles himself, just tripping over Dan in the process. Somehow, thankfully, Dan is able to grab hold of one of Phil’s arms and steady him upright.

“Woah there.” He slinks his hand down Phil’s arm to clasp their hands together.

“Hi”

“Hey.” Dan places a quick kiss on Phil’s lips.

Phil pushes him away quickly, though he’s smiling, clearly pleased. “Hey! You never know who could be around.”

Dan crosses his arms, “It’s a Sunday night in December and we’re going to get ice cream. C’mon. There’s no one around.”

Phil can’t argue, so they head inside, the neon _Luke’s_ sign overhead just barely glowing. The bell above the door dings as they enter, soft pop music plays from the speakers, something about a pocketful of sunshine. As expected for a cafe at 9pm in the middle of December, it’s mostly empty. The cashier looks like they’re about to fall asleep on the register. Dan insists on paying and gets his usual Chocolate Walnut Maple Fudge Explosion for himself and some horrifically bright artificial pink bubblegum flavour for Phil. Unsurprisingly, they seem to be the only ones eating ice cream, sat in the corner of the cafe, their legs linked together underneath the table. That seems to have become somewhat of a habit now, or at least it’s a little something they do to mess with the other person.

“Happy?” Dan asks, liking ice cream off of his waffle cone.

“I mean…” He eyes Dan up and down. “How could I not be?”

Dan rolls his eyes, though his cheeks are turning pink. “You’re an idiot.”

Phil smiles widely, his tongue poking through his teeth.

Out of nowhere, a cautious voice breaks their quiet little personal bubble. “Dan? Phil?” It’s their close friend Ameer, standing, looking between the two of them.

Instinctively, they detach their legs and shuffle a bit further away from each other, sitting up straight in their seats. Over the few months of their relationship, they’ve gotten used to reacting quickly when someone pops up unexpectedly. It’s a hassle, but at the same time, it’s more comfortable than outing themselves to everyone than know.

Dan’s body tenses up. “Hey Ameer, what’re you doing here?”

“Just here with my sister, Mum and Dad forced me to get her some ice cream.” He gestures to a table farther away in the middle of the cafe. A little girl with deep tan skin and two dark pigtails, sits, eating ice cream out of a cup. It looks as if it’s all over her face. She can’t be older than eight but she looks just like Ameer, or at least what he would look like if he was ten years younger and a girl. “Thanks for the invite.”

Phil lets out a single nervous laugh, which just makes the entirety of the situation even more awkward than it already is. “Sorry, uh–”

Ameer can tell Phil feels bad and chuckles good heartedly. “Don’t worry about it man, seriously. I know you guys, always off doing your own thing or whatnot. Not paying mind to the rest of us.”

Dan and Phil exchange a glance, Dan’s eyes narrow. “Sorry?”

“It’s fine, seriously, I, uh, I’m just messing with you guys.” Ameer’s fiddling with the sleeves of his coat, he can’t keep his eyes focus on Dan and Phil, he can’t even make eye contact with them, he’s just looking around the room.

“Do you wanna sit here?” Phil asks, even though he knows it's the last thing he and Dan want. Ameer’s a great guy, hilarious and he always means well but they really just want to be left to themselves for now. This is supposed to be a date, after all.

“No, I shouldn’t. I should get back to Holly.” He gestures over to his sister, keeping his arms crossed, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

“Okay. See you.” Dan attempts to end the conversation there and then.

“Right.” Ameer says, but he hasn’t moved. He’s still standing in front of their table.

Dan’s looking him in the eyes, confused, curious.

Ameer’s expression changes, he places a hand over his head. “Ugh I can’t do this anymore….” He breathes out, “I saw you two outside. Here.”

Oh. Oh God. Oh no. Dan can see Phil turning paler than his usual ghostly complexion, he looks as if he’s about to cry or be sick or melt into the ground, or all three.

“What'd you mean?” Dan squares his shoulders, acting coy.

“Oh come on, don't play dumb. I saw you two kiss.” He hisses.

Phil's still silent. Dan can't quite make eye contact with Ameer, even though he's staring straight at Dan.

“I don't mind. I mean I know you guys are close but… I just didn't expect _that_ I guess.”

The way he says _that_ makes Dan’s blood run cold, he knows he doesn't mean anything by it but it stings.

“So is there a problem?”

“No, no,” Ameer waves his hands frantically. “I just thought you guys would tell me.”

“We don’t owe you shit.” Dan’s tone of voice cuts deep.

“Dan.” Phil warns, finally breaking the quiet. He knows how quickly Dan’s temper can boil over and explode, he knows how defensive and cunning and sharp he can be. He knows it’s not the kind of Dan he likes to be around much.

“What?” Dan glances to Phil but the pleading look on his face doesn’t seem to have any affect on him. “We don’t need to tell you anything,” His eye contact with Ameer is unflinching, vicious. HIs fists are clenched, knuckles white. “No matter if you’re our friend.”

“ _Dan.”_ He doesn’t listen, he’s still staring daggers into Ameer.

“Jesus, _sorry._ ” Ameer mutters, but there’s no sense of sincerity or remorse in his tone. “Guess I should’ve known a queer would make a scene out of nothing.”

Dan jumps out of his seat then and it seems as if he’s about to lunge at Ameer, who seems to be mostly unbothered, keeping up a _tough guy_ guard, though he’s maybe a bit apprehensive, and maybe even a bit scared.

Phil can almost see the spark behind Dan’s eyes. He looks around the cafe nervously, worried that they’re causing a commotion, that people are watching but out of the couple people here, neither seem to be paying any mind. Except for Ameer’s sister, Holly. She’s sprung from her seat and stood by Ameer’s side. Her eyes flicker up to her brother, scared and utterly confused as to what’s going on.

Thankfully, instead of causing a fight, Dan just looks Ameer up and down, red with anger, beyond the point of being furious.

Holly tugs on Ameer’s sleeve and brings him back to reality, he looks down at her, and seems to snap out of whatever state of anger he was in. He takes a step back. At that point, Phil grabs ahold of Dan’s arm, he’s stood stiff, but with some effort, he manages to pull him out of the cafe and sit him down on a picnic table just outside.

They don’t speak for what feels like an hour but is probably only a few minutes. Words are clawing at Dan’s chest, at his throat, eager to jump out and settle into the cold December air but it feels inappropriate, like telling a joke about death at a funeral. He feels shame and guilt because he’s not even quite sure what came over him back there. It was almost as if he was in some sort of self defensive trance, the only thing on his mind being protecting himself and Phil, everything else thrown out the window.

It’s freezing outside but Dan and Phil’s minds are far too preoccupied to pay any mind to the potential worries of hypothermia. All Dan can think about is how irrational he was acting, how stupidly angry he got, it was like an out of body experience. And all Phil can worry about is how this situation is going to affect them, as Dan surely just wrecked whatever friendship they had with Ameer. He _knows._ Does that mean he’s going to tell other people about what he saw? Is he going to out them? His mind won’t slow down.

“What... was that.” Phil isn’t asking a question, instead, it’s like he’s trying to convince himself that all that actually happened. “What the hell was that?”

“You’re asking the wrong person.” He tries to play it off as a joke.

“Dan.”

“Sorry,” Dan tries to occupy his mind by fiddling with the hem of his coat, his fingers. “I don’t know what came over me”

“Yeah,” Phil scoffs, “Neither do I.’

“I just snapped.”

“It was scary Dan, I’ve never seen you like that.” Phil admits.

“I’m sorry… I was just worried, I guess and... I got defensive. I don’t want him to spread it around you know?” They make eye contact for a brief second, the air hangs uncomfortably between them.

“Yeah…”

They lapse into silence once more till Phil can’t stand it anymore. “God Dan, what are we doing?” He puts his head in his hands, his voice wavers as if he’s on the verge of tears, which isn’t unlikely.

Dan places a hand on Phil’s knee, “I know that this is scary because you don’t know how to deal with it. But, you know, neither do I. We’re sticking together through all of this shit Phil.”

Phil grabs hold of his hand, intertwining their fingers and shutting them together tightly. It feels slightly out of place in a moment like this though it works as a sort of non verbal agreement. “All of this though, the hiding and secrets, I know it’s what I want– what we want, but sometimes, I don’t know… it’s so much to handle, Dan. I’m scared of people finding out. I don’t want people to know that I’m… you know...”

“Phil.” It nearly breaks Dan’s heart to hear Phil talk like that, to be so worried about what others think of him.”I know how scary it is but you know, no matter what happens, no matter what people have to say, I’m here for you.”

“I love you,” Phil whispers, though he’s still shaken up, holding onto Dan’s hand as if it’s a lifeline. “But, easier said than done.”

Dan sighs, “I know.” He stands, detaching his hand from Phil’s and instead reaching it out for him to grab. “But we’re in this together, right?”

“Yeah,” Phil smiles, weakly, not meeting Dan’s eyes. “Let’s get back to my place though, another minute out here and my toes are going to fall off.”

“Good call,” Dan says and the two head on the route back to Phil’s house, huddled side by side.

**JUNE 2012**

Following their detour from Moulin Rouge, they go to Luke’s, and once they’ve filled their stomachs with more ice cream than one person should be able to handle, Phil offers to drive Dan home. Admittedly, the ride back to Dan’s house is just as shaky as the ride leaving it was and the two have a good laugh over it.

“Well this was good, nice, thanks.” And it was, it was nice catching up with Phil and reminiscing on the past together at one of their old favourite spots.

“Of course,” Phil smiles.

“Sorry we missed the rest of Moulin Rouge though.”

“Oh don’t worry about it. We can watch it another time.”

Dan likes the sound of that. “Yeah, for sure. We should do this more, since we’re both back home and all...” He glances out the window, suddenly finding interest in the exterior of his house to avoid making eye contact.

“Yeah definitely.”

“Well goodnight then.” Dan turns his head back towards Phil.

“Goodnight.” Phil places a hand on Dan’s shoulder, almost as if he’s attempting to initiate a hug, but it isn’t reciprocated.

Dan doesn’t clue in to Phil’s attempted hug and shifts awkwardly, distancing himself and slipping out of the car. Heat spreads across his face and he begins to wonder if he’s lost all self control and morphed into his teenage self. Blushing and heart racing when someone so much as touches or makes prolonged eye contact with him. With the door still open, he ducks his head down, smiling, “Thanks Phil.”

“My pleasure.” Phil says jokingly, putting on a phony accent.

Dan’s smile widens and he feels the heat leaving his face, his pulse slows. He stands there for a bit too long before slamming the passenger door shut and waving goodbye. As he’s heading up the path to his house, a warmth fills his chest, he forgot how much he liked this, having a simple night out with Phil, he’s missed it.

**DECEMBER-JANUARY 2009**

The annual New Year’s Eve gathering at their friend Tom’s has become somewhat of a tradition really. Partially due to the fact that Tom has an older brother who supplies them with more alcohol than they could possibly consume and partially due to the fact that Tom’s parents could not care less about what their group of friends get up to.

This time however, unlike the three years previous, their tradition becomes anything but a little get together. It was fine at first, just the group of them, Elsie, Ameer, Tom, Maia, Dan and Phil, with Avideh coming slightly later. However, apparently, word got out about their party and of course, as if they’re in some sort of teen high school drama, at around 10:30, random people began to trickle in, deciding that it would be okay crash it. By 11, it’s already a full house. So Dan sits on Tom’s living room loveseat, Phil by his side and Maia and Avideh hovering close by, facing towards them. Loud music blares from the speakers by the television but it does little to cover the overpowering noise of conversation and people.

“What the hell happened?” Avideh asks, she’s only just arrived, the glitter in her sparkly hijab reflecting as she looks around, utterly confused.

“Word got out I guess.” Phil says, taking a sip of his beer, his shoulders curve in, clearly uncomfortable in the much larger crowd.

“Shit.” Avideh mumbles.

“Probably Dan’s fault for talking to Michelle Thomas about it.” Maia quips, though there’s no harsh feelings behind it, the corners of her mouth quirking up into a smile. The dark red dye masking her naturally black hair may give her a more intimidating look but deep down, Dan knows Maia’s a softie who cries over videos of cute animals in her spare time.

Sometimes he forgets that it’s only Elsie and Ameer who are the only ones out of their group of friends that know of his and Phil’s relationship. He forgets that friends like Maia simply assume that he has as much interest in Michelle Thomas as she does in him. The truth is, he’s about as interested in Michelle as he is in watching paint dry.

“I did _not._ ”

“Oh but you did, she was all like, _so Dan what are your plans for New Year’s?_ And then you were all like, _I dunno, probably going over to Tom’s and getting pissed._ ” Maia does a terrible impression of Dan’s accent that only leads to the four of them bursting out into uncontrollable laughter. They’re all halfway drunk by this point.

“I _never_ said that! Shut up!” He hits her lightly on the arm. “I may have mentioned something but never that.”

“I know she’s obsessed with you but, Dan _c’mon_.” Phil says, tone firm. The rest of them give him a look implying the same sentiment.

“What? You know how she is, she literally won’t shut up about herself and the only way to get her to shut up is to actually talk to her... Unfortunately.”

“Good to know. I’ll have to challenge her to a talking duel the next time I see her.” Avideh crosses her arms across her chest.

“Why don’t you do it right now?” Maia says, her head turned to the side, looking back.

When Dan looks over, he sees none other than Michelle strutting over to them with her long brown hair and tight black dress that looks almost identical to Maia’s.

“Daniel,” she smiles, petting a strand of her hair. “You look so good tonight!”

Dan looks down at himself, black jeans, plaid button up shirt, it’s really nothing different from something that he would typically wear. He shares a look with Phil, Maia and Avideh before saying, “Thanks.”

‘Of course…” She stays silent for a bit and awkward tension hangs in the air between the five of them. When she doesn’t get a compliment as she’s expecting, she speaks up. “D’you like my dress? I got it for about 100 quid but god was it ever worth it.” She runs her hands over the silky fabric.

“Yeah, it’s nice…” Dan says because he’s not really sure what else he should say.

“Can we talk? Alone?” Michelle finally asks, clearly upset that she’s not getting the reaction she wants from Dan.

Dan could so easily blow her off, say something mean to get her out of his face. He’s just not that kind of person, and after drinking a bit too much, his level of confidence is generally a lot higher than usual, meanwhile, his level of rational thinking tends to be a lot lower. He simply says, “Sure.”

Her face lights up.

Avideh and Maia give him a confused look as he stands to his feet. Phil especially shoots him a questioning, but mostly worried look. Their eyes are locked together until Michelle drags him away through the sea of people and Dan seems to be miles from the couch where he was sitting just moments ago.

She pulls him into Tom’s kitchen, there are a few people around, refilling their drinks or raiding the cupboards for a snack but otherwise, it’s empty. Dan hovers by the fridge awkwardly, eyes glancing around the familiar soft yellow walls while Michelle goes to fill up a cup of punch for both herself and Dan.

“Here you go.” She hands the cup to Dan. It’s his third of the night and god knows what’s in it.

“Thanks,” His voice comes out soft, sincere, not as he was expecting it to.

Michelle sits down at the small kitchen table and Dan follows suit.

“I’m sorry to like, confront you like this,” She gives a nervous laugh. “But, you know, it’s New Year’s and we’re both slightly drunk so I thought come out and just say it!”

Dan really doesn’t like where he thinks this is headed.

“I’m in love with you, Dan.”

“What?” Dan instantly regrets the word, he can see how it stings, her face says it all. He chugs down the rest of his punch. She gives him a wide eyed look. “Sorry, I just– wow, Michelle, I really didn’t expect that.”

“Hahaha, surprise! Right?”

“Yeah… surprise… Are you sure you haven’t had too much to drink?” Dan jokes, attempting to lighten the mood, alleviate some of the tension in the air.

“Dan... “ She grips her cup tightly, “I’m serious.”

“Yes, right of course, I know. Obviously.”

She looks into her cup of punch, disappointed, quiet for a while before she speaks again. “Dan…do you remember how everyone always used to bully me in year 7?”

He does, in all honesty. Although now, Michelle is absolutely stunning with her long, smooth, dark hair, glowing skin and shining smile, it wasn’t always that way. She used to be an easy target, she was probably the smallest girl in their year, with acne ridden skin, a too-big nose, braces, glasses and an overweight physique. At that age, kids are absolutely ruthless and would pick out any flaw they saw in Michelle and use it as the butt of their joke.

“But _you_ always stood up for me.” She smiles, takes a sip. “You didn’t go along with the other kids, and I know we were never friends but, that meant so much to me Dan. You have no idea. Ever since then, I knew.”

Dan appreciates it, it sparks a bit of joy in him but if he’s honest, he barely remembers much of anything that happened at that age. “Aw, Michelle. Thank you, really, I’m flattered but–”

“But? No. But what?”

It’s times like these where Dan truthfully wishes he was straight, where he wishes his relationship didn’t have to be kept top secret in fear of endangering either him or Phil. He imagines how much easier it would be. Instead, he has to come up with some half-assed excuse of _Oh, I just don’t like you._ Which, is the truth, but it’s so much more than just _that_.

Dan gets to his feet, his cup gripped in his hand shakily, he heads over to the counter where the bowl of punch sits. Worry spreads across Michelle’s face, her perfectly manicured eyebrows knit together.

“I can’t, I’m sorry, I really–.” Dan’s breathing shallows, his palms are getting clammy.

“You can’t? What do you mean?” She leans against the counter, desperation in her voice. “Are you seeing someone? With someone?”

“No, no, not exactly.” He fills his cup with more punch, his hands are shaking and it’s spilling over the edge of his cup, onto the side of his hand.

“Not exactly?” She pries, giving a concerned glance to Dan’s current state.

He takes a healthy sip of punch. “I mean, no, I’m not.”

“You’re not? Alright, good.” Michelle’s voice lightens and her face relaxes, just slightly. “Then what’s the problem?” She places a hand on Dan’s arm.

Dan hesitates before speaking but he can’t stand it anymore, the words seem to explode out of him, he can’t even attempt to contain them. He moves backwards to get away from her touch. “I don’t like you Michelle! Alright, I’m sorry, you’re a lovely girl, you’re beautiful really, but I just can’t give you what you want? Okay. And you know what? You deserve to find someone who can.” He’s speaking a million miles a minute, rambling, not even sure if his words are making much of any sense. 

“Dan… I–I don’t understand...” She admits sadly, setting her drink down on the counter and wrapping her arms around herself.

In all his 17 years of life, Dan had never imagined himself to be a heartbreaker, yet here he is, breaking some poor girl’s heart and it feels absolutely awful though he’s sure it’s even worse for her. He’s not sure how to handle it, he’s never had to deal with something like this, after all, his relationship with Phil is the first time he’s ever gotten past anything but a simple hook up.

A clenching feeling builds in his stomach, one out of guilt. Dan feels as though he may vomit. He needs to get out of there before he makes things worse for the both of them. Worse than they already are. “I’m really sorry Michelle, I don’t want there to be any hard feelings between us because of this but I just… I can’t. Okay? I’m sorry.” Dan finishes the last of his drink and puts it back down on the counter before taking off, leaving Michelle forlorn and alone.

Dan dashes into the living room, his eyes searching the room desperately for Phil. There’s far too many people, any time he gets a glimpse of a tall guy with dark hair, he ends up being let down. Phil, Avideh and Maia seemed to have left the couch where they were sat before. All Dan knows is that all he needs right now is to be by Phil’s side. His fists clench, nails digging into his palms. Taking a deep breath, he braces himself and pushes his way through the throngs of people.

The TV’s blaring with a New Year’s Eve countdown, if Michelle’s calling from behind him, he can’t hear. Somehow it’s already 11:45 and he’s determined to find Phil before it turns midnight. Thankfully, being tall helps in his quest to get back to Phil, just as he’s finished a full sweep of the living room and is about to check the dining room, he spots Phil, Avideh, Tom and Elsie sat together on the stairs. He rushes over as fast he can in a crowd full of drunken, uncooperative teenagers.

“He survives!” Avideh exclaims when she’s caught sight of him.

“Just barely,” he mumbles, fists still clenched together. He and Phil only make brief eye contact.

“You guys were gone for a while, what happened?”

Elsie laughs drunkenly at Avideh’s comment, she leans into Phil.

“Nothing. Seriously, honestly.” Dan doesn’t know what to tell them honestly, although they all know that Michelle’s pined after Dan for years, he’d feel bad telling them her secret, telling them that he nearly crushed her heart back there.

“C’mon Dan, you don’t have to lie.” Tom edges him on.

“You guys know I wouldn’t… I don’t even _like_ her for god’s sake.”

Tom gives Dan a dubious look, Avideh shrugs, Elsie continues laughing and Phil says nothing, he looks as if he’s about to collapse in on himself.

“Nothing happened!” Dan snaps, he wants to yell and tell Tom that there’s nothing like that to it. He can only handle so many snide remarks like that. “God I can’t deal with this, I’m leaving.”

Someone in the crowd yells something about there being 5 minutes left until the new year while Dan turns around, wriggling his way through the crowd towards the closet in the front hall so he can grab his coat and get the hell out of here.

“Dan!” He can hear Phil calling after him, his voice muffled by the rest of the crowd but he doesn’t even bother turning around. “Dan!”

Dan slams open the door to the closet and yanks his coat from one of the hangers. He slides it on, zips it up and puts on his fuzzy, warm hat Phil got him for Christmas. Just in time, Phil catches up to him.

“Dan, where’re you going? C’mon.” Phil leans against the wall.

“I’m leaving. Going home.”

“I thought you were going to come to my place after this?”

“I–I’m not feeling well. I’ll just go home it’s fine.” It’s not completely a lie.

Phil places his hand on Dan’s arm, “No, hey. Let’s leave together then, okay?”

“Okay,” Dan agrees and suddenly the feeling in his stomach lightens. He waits for Phil to put on his coats and gloves and hat and the two slip outside.

They’re both quiet, still. Even though they’re bundled up warm, the weather’s surprisingly not too cold for the last day of December. They’re walking down the steps when Dan finally says, “It’s just so hard sometimes Phil.”

“What?”

“This, Phil.” He gestures between them.

“Don’t get me wrong, I _love_ this but I hate having to shut down Michelle and give her an excuse about me not being interested, which, is true but I don’t know… There’s more too it.”

“I’m sorry.”

Dan bumps his shoulder with Phil’s, “It’s not your fault.”

“Still feel bad…”

“Phil,” Dan can’t help but feel a sense of warmth and gratitude to be so lucky as to have someone like Phil in his life. He can’t help but smile.

Inside, Dan can hear someone start shouting “10! 9!”

“Shit!” says Phil and pulls Dan to the side of Tom’s house, the two of them behind a bush.

“8! 7! 6!”

“Are we doing this?” asks Dan. He’s fairly sure neither of them would be doing this if they were both sober.

“5! 4!”

“Of course,” says Phil, bringing his hand to cup Dan’s cheek.

“3! 2! 1!”

Phil presses his lips to Dan’s, both his hands on either side of his face. Phil’s lips are so warm compared to the frigid air of a night like this. Dan all but melts into it, allowing for him to grab onto Phil’s waist, deepening the kiss. It’s in moments like these where Dan forgets about everything else. It’s in moments with Phil that he forgets about all else that has gone wrong in his life, and he’s so grateful for that, for Phil.

But when the moment’s over, when either he, or Phil, pulls away, he has to be confronted with reality again. He has to face his problems.

“Dan?” A voice asks cautiously. And it’s not Phil. It’s Michelle, white as a sheet, eyes wide like saucers.

Dan stands frozen for a moment, as if the cold weather has caused him to become stuck in place. He makes eye contact with Phil for a split second and in that time, they get across one simple message to each other, _run._

**JUNE 2012**

“Did you get her text too?” Phil asks just as Dan answers his call.

It’s just past noon and Dan’s walking to the coffee shop for his afternoon shift. Earlier this morning, however, their longtime friend Elsie sent out an invitation to her reunion party set for next week. It’s a good idea, now that most people are back home for the summer but honestly, Dan would rather _not_ see most people, he clearly goes out of his way to avoid most people he went to school with. Phil included, well that is until recently.

“Elsie’s? Yup.”

“Think you’re gonna go?”

Dan sighs, “I’d really rather not… but I’d consider it if you were going too.”

“Is that so?” Dan can hear Phil let out a laugh, though he doesn’t respond. “I don’t know, it might be nice to see people again?”

“You say that now but I mean, it’s been what, 3? 4 years? Since we’ve seen most of these people.”

“Well I’d hope they’ve changed, I know I sure have.”

“I mean, I’m sure we all have but going by our, _lovely_ , experiences at school, this isn’t something I’m really looking forward to.”

“We can always ditch it if it’s absolutely awful.”

Dan considers this, sneaking off away from the rest of the crowd with Phil, finding something else to do or someplace else to go. Honestly, it sounds exactly like so many of the memories they shared as teenagers, fun, careless, and exhilarating. It sounds perfect. “Alright,” he agrees, pushing open the door to _Deja Brew._ “Well I’m just getting to work but I’ll see you then?”

“Yeah, see you soon, Dan.” Phil says, his voice light and happy.

“See ya,” Dan hangs up and can’t help but look forward to Elsie’s reunion. Over the next few days, he finds his mind wandering to the thought of it. During a particularly mind numbing conversations with a coworker, while on a break or when he gets bored serving up coffee. It’s just a little something to get himself through the day. He tries to convince himself it’s not because Phil’s going too.

•

Elsie’s reunion seems to sneak up on Dan. He’s spent his week working up a storm at _Deja Brew_ but before he knows it, Phil’s messaging him, asking what time he thinks he’ll be heading over.

 **Dan:** what time does it start again? 8?

 **Phil:** 7

 **Dan:** shit

 **Phil:** I’m guessing you aren’t ready yet? Lol

 **Dan:** you could say that....

Dan checks the time on his phone, it’s 6:50, he’s only just gotten home from his shift. He was planning on taking a shower since he’s slightly sweaty and slightly smelly, instead, he piles on deodorant and cologne, ruffles his hair with dry shampoo and hopes for the best. Another text from Phil pops up a second later.

 **Phil:** Want a ride?

 **Dan:** pls

 **Dan:** :-)

In what seems like just a minute later, Dan hears a honk from outside his house. He looks out his window and sure enough, Phil is idling right outside. He bolts down the stairs, says a quick goodbye to his mum and heads out the door.

Phil’s adjusting his hair in the visor mirror as Dan’s getting into the passenger seat. He quickly shuts it and turns his attention to Dan. “Hey.”

“I owe you my life. I would've been at least an hour late otherwise.”

“You haven’t changed a bit.” Phil remarks, most likely thinking back to times when Dan would show up 20 minutes late for a class or a date they'd planned.

“It's my fatal flaw Phil, don't expect me to change anytime soon.”

Phil makes a three point turn and heads the other way in the direction of Elsie’s house. Unlike most people they went to school with, Elsie decided to stay in Stroud and pursue her true passion, painting. She'd been working since she was fourteen up until now in order to be able to afford her own place. Luckily, with housing being so cheap in the area, she was able to move in after graduation.

Dan's not quite sure how far her pursuits in art have taken her but nevertheless, he's happy to be seeing her again. She's one of the few friends from school that he genuinely cares for and wants to catch up with. Although, Dan’s not quite sure what she's up to now.

“Have you seen Elsie? Since graduating, I mean.” He asks Phil, curious if they've actually managed to keep in touch. Dan can't say he has with anyone back home. Besides reconnecting with Phil as of now.

“Yeah, a few times actually. This past Christmas, last summer, once or twice before that but it's been a while. You?”

“Bumped into each other on the street a couple times but other than that no…”

“She's changed quite a bit really, you remember how she used to be? Loud, outspoken? Well she's a lot reserved now, more mature I guess. It's like she has her whole life together.”

“I doubt it.” Dan scoffs, glancing over to Phil. “I mean, who does at this age?”

“I dunno, you'd be surprised. Her art sells really well, she's getting quite a bit of attention. I think she's found someone or something.” Phil shrugs, shaking his head. “I'll let her fill you in more but, she has some pretty big things lined up.”

Dan's glad to hear all that, she rightfully deserves the recognition, but he's intrigued as to what else there is to tell. He decides instead to stay silent for the remainder of the car ride and soon enough, they’re pulled up outside a small yellow house at the end of a quiet street. The flowers in the front garden are bright, beautiful and in full bloom, Elsie’s clearly put a lot of effort into taking care of them.

There’s a couple of cars parked along the street, Phil pulls up behind one. He and Dan slip outside and follow the gravel path up to the house, music and the chatter of voices can be heard from outside. Phil knocks on the door, shooting Dan a nervous smile, neither of them are really sure what to expect. Neither of them have really kept in touch with anyone. Neither of them know what they’ve all been up to or what they’re like nowadays.

It’s Elsie who answers the door, her hair is shorter, shoulder length, though orange curls still frame her face. Her face lights up the moment she lays eyes on both of them, her smile nearly stretches all the way across her face. Stepping through the doorframe and onto the porch, Elsie wraps them into an awkward sort of group hug. “Oh it’s so good to see you both.” She pulls away and turns to Dan, “It’s been way too long, we have to keep in touch.”

“For sure, I’ve missed you.”

Her green eyes flicker with happiness at Dan’s response.

“And you,” she places a hand on Phil’s shoulder, “All good?”

Phil shrugs, nods, smiles, as if he’s thinking of something. “Yeah, actually, things are great.”

“Good, that’s so good to hear. And nice to see that you two are still attached at the hip.” Elsie teases.

Dan gives a cautious laugh. “Yeah, we’ve been hanging out a bit.”

“Aw, you two kill me.” She puts a hand over her heart. “Well, everyone else is already inside, let’s head in.”

The two follow Elsie into her cozy, cluttered living room. Though, Dan can’t really tell if it’s clutter or just an overload of decorations and little knick knacks. It has somewhat of a blue theme, pale blue walls, a couch with a checked blue pattern, arm chairs made of dark blue velvet. There’s movie posters hanging from the wall, _Back to The Future, Pulp Fiction,_ along with what seems to be Elsie’s original art. A couple of portrait sketches, a big abstract splatter piece done solely in blues, and some small dainty landscape watercolours of spots around their town. Yellow sunflowers sit in a vase on the coffee table along with a stack of books, a couple of sketchbooks and an art magazine. The home’s certainly one of an eclectic artist’s but it suits Elsie perfectly.

“I’ll go get some drinks, you two say hello to everyone.” Elsie says quietly before running off to the kitchen.

A simple jazz record plays on an antique wooden record player in the corner of the room. But, overpowering it is the sound of indistinct chatter. Some people are already sat around, with dining chairs scattered around as extra seating. Others however, are milling about, standing, talking in small groups. It’s more people than either of them expected but with a quick glance around, they seem to recognize most people. Which, after three years, is fairly impressive.

“Do my eyes deceive me, or is that Dan and Phil?” Their old friend Tom stands up from his seat on the sofa, he makes his way over to them. He’s a bit bigger than he was back in sixth form but he still has his sort of rugged handsome looks, a short beard, shoulder length hair, and a pair of glasses, that are definitely new. All three of them burst out into unabashed laughter.

“How are you guys?”

“Good, yeah, you?” Phil asks, nodding. Dan can tell he’s nervous. Tom’s a bit of a brash guy, doesn’t think before he speaks but he’s hilarious, not to mention, he’s pretty sure Phil had a bit of thing for him before they started dating.

“Good, good, stumbling through uni but, not too bad.” Tom also took a gap year, though instead of staying back at home and working like Dan, he went off to do some fancy internship in London. “You done now Phil?”

“Thankfully.”

“Man, time flies.”

“Tell me about it,” another friend, Avideh, speaks up, standing in between Tom and Phil. “Felt like just yesterday we were graduating and now I’m finished.”

“Surprised you passed.” Tom nudges her.

Avideh rolls her eyes, “Fuck off Tom.”

“Sorry, we couldn’t all be blessed with A’s and A*’s you know. Besides, geography was tough.”

“I dunno,” shrugs Dan, trying to seem casual. “I got an A in it.” He’s not trying to brag, he hopes the joke goes over well.

“Well aren’t you just bloody brilliant then,” Tom says sarcastically but with the smirk spread across his face, Dan can tell it’s all in good humour.

Just then, Elsie returns from the kitchen with drinks, she hands them to Dan and Phil. “I hope cider’s alright. We have some harder stuff but I’d figured I’d start you out easy.”

They continue talking amongst the group, catching up on each other’s lives. Tom’s about to go into his last year studying marketing and media, he’s in a fairly serious relationship with a girl and they’re going to France together in December. Meanwhile, Avideh’s just finish her degree in computer science and is planning to go to graduate school in the fall, she was in a small rock band for a year before they split and she’s just gotten a pet lizard. Elsie, on the other hand, is loving staying back here in Stroud. Apparently, the scenery and quaint roads provide for great artistic inspiration, not to mention, the artist scene seems to be growing, which pleases her to no end.

Eventually, Tom and Elsie get called over by someone else and Avideh says she has to find an old friend, so their little group splits off. Phil’s about halfway through his drink when Dan,already finished his, snatches it out of his grasp. Dan relishes in Phils surprised expression as he takes a couple sips. “Not too much, you need to drive me home.”

“Oh really? Do I?” Phil mocks offense.

“Mhm…” He takes one last sip.

“I don’t remember ever signing any contracts… I mean, who’s to say you aren’t the DD?” Phil grabs his drink back.

“You wouldn’t…” Dan gasps dramatically. “That’s violation of DD rule 2.”

“What’s rule 1?”

“Don’t drive drunk obviously.”

“Obviously.” Phil mocks.

“Fine, I guess there’s only one way to settle this. Rock paper scissors, first one to lose has to drive.” Dan puts on a face of absolute seriousness and Phil can’t help but laugh, his whole body shaking, a smile spreading from ear to ear.

“Rock.” The laughter is contagious and Dan can’t help but succumb to it.

“Paper.”

“Scissors.”

Dan puts out Rock, Phil, paper.

“Ha!” Phil exclaims.

Dan sighs overdramatically, defeated.“Guess I better get myself something else to drink.”

“Guess you should,” Phil shrugs nonchalantly, giving Dan a smug look.

Just then, a tall guy with thick curly hair approaches Phil, though Dan can’t quite place his name. He takes it as his cue to wander off to the kitchen. Like the living room, a coloured theme seems to be more or less in place. Pale green paint on the walls, a mint green backsplash and tile floor, not to mention an antique green oven. Dan’s pretty sure it hasn’t been renovated since the 60s. Opening up the fridge, he can see someone come up beside him in his peripheral. He glances up quickly, before grabbing a coke. It’s Elsie.

“So.” She leans against the side of the fridge. The stark fluorescent lighting of the kitchen casting weird shadows across her face and making her hair glow bright orange.

“So?” Dan opens up his pop can.

“You and Phil, I mean, I didn’t expect that.”

Dan splutters, gripping onto the can. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. I just never thought you guys left things on good terms, that’s all.” Elsie’s avoiding eye contact with him, finding interest in the tiles on the floor and her brightly patterned socks.

“We were fine.” Dan’s curt, he’s not really sure what to say, he doesn’t know how much Phil has told Elsie in the few times they’ve hung out. He doesn’t know how much he opened up to her, if at all. He’s not even sure why she’s asking this at all, it’s not as if they’ve spoken recently, it’s been three years.

“Are you drunk?”

“Slightly, not enough to do anything too stupid. At least not yet,” she says with a bemused expression. She pulls out a plastic green chair from the table and looks up at Dan, serious. “I just don’t want either of you to get hurt again.”

“Elsie nothing–,” he sighs, he’s really not in the mood to talk about this now. As much as he wanted to reconnect with people he really didn’t expect to be having a heart-to-heart with Elsie about the past and present of his relationship with Phil in a monochrome green kitchen. “Nothing’s happened between us, okay? We’re just friendly. I’m sorry I wanted to reconnect with my childhood best friend. Is that a crime?” His voice rings out, thankfully, he’s pretty sure the music in the next room over is enough to drown out anything they’re saying.

Silence hangs in the air. It envelopes them in an unbearable hug

Elsie shakes her head. “That’s not what I’m saying Dan.” Her voice is pleading, she clasps her hands together. “But I remember how much it hurt you two afterwards. And I was there for both of you, and as your friend... I don’t want that to happen again.”

“Well let’s hope it doesn’t then.” He takes a sip from his drink.

“ _Daaaan.”_ Elsie moans, standing up. She pokes him on the arm. ”Has anyone ever told you you’re an absolutely terrible decision maker.”

He laughs, thinking back, “Yeah, more than a couple times.”

“You two have my blessing but please, don’t come crying to me _again_ if things don’t work out. Because, I. Told. You. So.” She pokes him in the chest with every syllable.

“Alright, alright, I won’t.” Dan puts his hands out in surrender. “Besides, I don’t even know where we’re going with this to be honest I mean, we’ve just been spending time as friends.”

“You never know, things can change.”

“I can’t tell if you’re encouraging this or discouraging it.”

“I honestly can’t tell either.” Dan laughs.

“I’m just looking out for you both.”

“I know, I appreciate it, really.”

Dan’s missed this, he’s missed Elsie and her honesty and her genuine, good heart. Always caring so deeply about everyone around her, always looking out for them. Dan wishes he’d appreciated it more when he was younger, wishes he’d told her how much she meant to him at that time. Although, he supposes at that age, he was oblivious and never realised how great of a friend she was. He feels a sinking guilt in the pit of his stomach, he doesn’t believe he’s deserving of this.

“I missed you.” He looks her in the eyes, embarrassingly enough, he’s slightly tearful.

“Come here you sap.” Elsie wraps him up and he feels right at home. “Dan, please don’t make me cry it’s too early in the night for this.” Her voice vibrating against his chest, her hair falling into his face.

“I’ll do my best.” He’s smiling though he knows she can’t tell.

To both of their surprise, Phil’s voice pops up behind them. “You two alright?”

They jump apart, as to not appear suspicious but in doing so, it seems even more suspicious. Phil gives them both a look.

“Mhm,” Elsie nods, moving to give a confused Phil a hug too. When she pulls apart, she steps back and looks between the two of them, looking a little teary, she says, “I love you guys. I’ve missed you so much.” There’s a sigh, a pause. “Look, I’m thinking of planning a little road trip around the end of August with some of the old group. Are you free? Would you guys wanna come?”

“Yeah, I, uh–.” Phil starts before he’s interrupted by someone shouting in the next room over.

“ _ELSIEEE!”_ Her name’s dragged out drunkenly, long, slurred vowels. There’s a bang that follows shortly afterwards, noise echoing over to the kitchen.

“Sorry, I’ll be right back. Just wanna make sure nobody’s destroying my living room. Again.”

“Again?” Dan asks but Elsie’s gone before she can answer or even hear his question.And with that, Dan and Phil are left alone.

Dan nods towards Phil’s drink, “There’s more in the fridge if you want.”

“Thanks,” Phil follows the suggestion and grabs another bottle of cider out of the fridge.

“Can’t remember the last time I went on a roadtrip.” Dan moves to sit at the kitchen table.

“Me neither.” Phil sits down next to him. “That’ll be nice though, I think.”

“So you’ve just decided we’re going?”

“Well, if you don’t want to go, you don’t have to but I think I will. We’re not a single person Dan.”

Dan’s cheeks flush, face hot, he wishes he could take it back, he wasn’t thinking, it came to him instinctively. Of course they’re not one person, they’re no longer that couple that’s attached at the hip, doing absolutely everything together. Not even close to a couple, just simply two friends trying to rebuild something but with all the time they’ve been spending with one another, Dan just thought… He thought maybe…. They’d stick by each other’s side for things like this, count on each other, just like old times.

But now he’s not so sure.

Feeling his gut clench, anxiety begins to build in Dan. Brick by brick, like a tower of blocks, rising higher with each passing moment, each unspoken beat. _Why is he even doing this? What’s the point? It’s not as if Phil really wants to spend time with him, he’s probably just doing all this out of pity._

Pity, he almost laughs. This is Phil after all, probably the most caring, thoughtful person he knows. Dan remembers times when Phil would come over simply because Dan was having a bad day and he wanted to make him feel better. They didn’t necessarily have to be doing anything but it was just having another person there that made all the difference.

“I just–.” Dan means to say it properly, he means to spill out everything he’s thinking and feeling but it comes out under his breath.

Over the music and talking, Phil doesn’t understand what he’s said, his eyebrows furrow. “What’d you say?”

Dan shakes his head. Nevermind. He can’t do this, he can’t get the words out.

He doesn’t know what to say to Phil, who’s showing him genuine interest and curiosity– because, that’s what Phil does– but all he can feel deep down, is guilt. He feels as if he’s wasting Phil’s time. There’s probably other people he wants to see here, catch up, talk to. People he wants to talk to more than he wants to talk to Dan. So what’s the point in sitting here? Talking? His heart, his mind can’t be in this.

Dan wants to get out, he can’t sit here anymore. He could exit through the back door, but that would cause too much of a scene. He could go back into the living room but, that would seem rude, plus talking to people is the last thing he feels like doing right now.

His thoughts are spiraling deeper and bricks keep being added until suddenly he realises Phil’s been talking for the duration of his mental rumination. About what, he has absolutely no idea.

“Dan? What’d you think?” Phil’s staring at him intently, kindly. Dan doesn’t answer right away, he doesn’t answer at all. “Are you listening to me?”

“No I–I, sorry. I’m just not feeling well I think I need some air.”

“Oh,” Phil sounds surprised, curious, confused. “Okay.”

Dan gets up abruptly and shuffles over to the back door, twisting the knob and slipping outside. A set of lights hang above him, casting a warm yellow glow, even more flowers and plants are blooming back here. Spilling over the fence, climbing up the walls of the house, creating a sort of canopy protecting the small deck and patio. Though, Dan shortly realises that he’s not alone. Two people are sitting at the small white patio table.

He’s about to turn around and go back inside, but someone calls for him. “Dan! Is that you?”

Taking a few steps closer, he finally realises who it is. It’s Ameer. _No,_ Dan thinks, _no this cannot be happening._ He’s begrudgingly forgiven Ameer for all his past little snipes, he knows he had his own problems in the past. But Dan still remembers, and the last person he wants to talk to is the guy who called him a fairy on a weekly basis.

Carefully, he walks down the steps to the patio, hoping that if he takes slower steps, somehow, for some reason they’ll grow bored and run off and leave him alone. As he gets closer he sees that Ameer is sitting with another one of their old friends, Maia. Dan almost doesn’t recognize her. Her once waist length flowing black hair is now cut into a short bob with bangs, and her old standard of no makeup has been replaced with perfectly manicured brows, red eyeshadow and deep lipstick.

“Holy shit!” She jumps up from her seat, to give Dan a hug, she clings onto him, clearly more than a bit tipsy. “How are you?”

Dan puts on a cheerful face, he wishes he could be doing quite literally _anything else._ “I’m doing pretty good. You?”

She pulls away, with the widest grin plastered on her face. “Amazing. Done uni and living life to the fullest, all that shit.”

“Sounds nice,” Dan says, standing with his hands awkwardly placed in his front jean pockets. Out of his peripheral, he can see Ameer just staring at him, unwavering. He wonders if he’s going to say anything.

“It is,” Maia sits back down. “Though I am pretty bored most of the time. Thankfully I’ve got this one to keep me company now.” She links her arm with Ameer’s, he doesn’t even acknowledge it, simply looking straight forward towards Dan.

“Yeah.” He mumbles, shrugging, disattaching their arms.

“You alright?” Maia asks, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“I don’t know. Would you grab me a water?”

“I’m not your maid.” Maia snaps but still, she shoves her chair back and heads up the stairs and enters the house.

“I’m surprised she actually listened, usually she’s more stubborn than my 11 year old sister.”

“Huh,” Dan manages a little laugh, grabbing the seat beside Ameer. He stares up at the lights and trees shading them, the stars far up high in the sky, the moon glowing with all its might. Both of them watch, both of them still.

“Listen, uh. Dan.” Ameer turns his head. “ I just wanted to say that, I’m really sorry. For what I’ve said in the past. It was _so, so_ wrong of me and I know that now and I really hope you’ll forgive me. ”

“It’s alright. It’s all in the past now, like you said. Seriously, don’t worry about it.”

“You know, it’s funny because, the truth is… Well, I kind of like guys myself. Girls too but, I guess I was just so insecure with myself that sometimes, I took it out on you. You and Phil. And I regret that. I’m sorry.”

Dan gives him a warm smile, he can feel the nervous energy decreasing within him, like a balloon losing its air. “It’s okay. Water under the bridge.”

“Thanks Dan.” He smiles back, brushing some of his dark hair out of his face.“Hm, I thought Maia would be back by now. I really am thirsty.” He says with a bit of a laugh, looking towards the back door.

“Is there something going on between you two?” Dan’s genuinely curious, they did seem to have some sort of jokey, friendly relationship going on back there, plus, the two of them were out here all by themselves. Not that it has to mean anything of course. Besides, he can’t ever remember them being too close when they were in sixth form so if something is going on, it must be a recent development.

“Yes, no, I don’t really know. We’ve been spending a lot of time together since we both ran into each other at a party a couple months back. I like her a lot but,” he shrugs. “I’m not sure.”

“Well from the two minutes I saw of you together, she seems to like you.”

“I hope.” Ameer sighs. “Anyway, uh, how about you and your Phil? You two still keep in touch?”

“Uh, hah,” Dan’s nerves peak again. “Yeah actually we’ve reconnected this summer. Been hanging out quite a bit.”

“Good. When I heard you two broke up, I mean, I wasn’t surprised considering we were 17 but you two, I don’t know, you were different. I always thought you’d be that kind of couple that lasted through everything.”

At the time, when they had just broken up, Dan thought everyone knew what had happened and everyone had heard about their big arguments and reasons for ending things. But now he realises he how stupid he was. How delusional and self-centered he was, of course people had bigger problems in their own lives than his sixth form relationship.

“Well, distance tends to ruin things.”

“I guess, but you’re together now.”

Dan gives him a look.

“Like proximity wise.” Ameer laughs. “Obviously.”

Dan rolls his eyes, “Obviously.”

“Hey, I don’t know, maybe you two are!”

“We’re _not_.” Suddenly, he’s laughing along too and he feels slightly better. He’d forgotten about his doubts with Phil for a bit. But he can’t still hear the thoughts calling at him from the back of his mind only now they’re more of an echo than full frontal shouting. “I don’t know. Things are weird.”

“Seems to me like we’re stuck in pretty similar spots.”

Dan can’t disagree, they are. “Lucky us.”

“Extremely.” Ameer nods.

At that moment, the back door swings open. Out steps a fairly drunk Maia, holding a plastic water bottle in one hand and dragging Phil behind her with the other.

“Look who I found!” She shouts, taking wobbly steps one by one down the stairs.

Phil, on the other hand, looks afraid for his life, terrified Maia will trip down the stairs and take him with her. Thankfully, they both make it alive, and walk over to where Dan and Ameer are sitting. They pull up chairs so everyone’s sat in a little circle around a little table.

Maia places the bottled water on the table. “Here,” She looks to Ameer. “Sorry I took so long, I got carried away talking to this one–” she gestures to Phil. “Did you know Phil used to breed hamsters?”

Dan doesn’t even want to know how _that_ came up in their five minutes of conversation.

Ameer’s in the middle of taking a drink when he spits out some of his water. “What? Are you serious?”

“Yeah,” She tugs on Phil’s arm. “Tell him.”

Dan’s heard him tell this story at least seven times, he was _there_ when Phil started his hamster breeding business. He can tell Phil’s not into sharing it right now.

As he begins to explain, Phil offers a small smile, first to Ameer, then he looks over to Dan. They make eye contact, he looks a bit concerned, worried maybe. It’s not pity but Dan still feels bad, making him worry unnecessarily because he knows that’s what Phil does. The guilt is still there, clinging on to him,

For the rest of the night, the four of them sit around, catching up on each other’s lives and recounting forgotten memories they shared. It is slightly awkward though. Phil keeps making cautious glances over to Dan, and Maia continually has eyes for Ameer. Both of these cause Ameer and Dan to look at one another. Resulting in a weird sort of game between the four of them.

Elsie pops outside and joins them for a bit, of course, being a wonderful hostess she makes sure everyone’s doing okay. Maia brings up some old memory with the four of them involving a carton of eggs and the wrong address, which Dan had completely forgotten. It results in nothing but laughter but the thoughts still knock on Dan’s head and he can’t get them out.

Not too much later, Elsie announces that there’s a going to be a game of cards against humanity starting soon. Maia and Ameer are both eager to join in, competitive sparks light up behind their eyes. Phil starts to get up with the two of them, but notices Dan sitting quiet and still, and sits back down. Ameer slams the door behind him and Dan and Phil are left alone. Once again.

A warm summer breeze ruffles the leaves of the trees above them.

“Don’t want to play?” Phil asks.

Dan shrugs.

“Are you okay?” Phil asks, a hint of concern in his voice.

“No, no, I’m fine… I don’t know. I’m okay though, really” He crosses his arms, looks down to his feet, hoping the world will swallow him up whole.

Phil remembers Dan rushing outside in need of air only half an hour ago and asks, “Are you feeling better?”

“I’m _fine_ Phil _._ ” It’s a lie but truth be told, all Dan really wants to do in this moment is get out of here.

“Cut the bullshit Dan, what’s wrong?” It was amazing that even after 3 years apart Phil could still see right through Dan. Could see how he was really feeling just from one look, it was almost unnerving.

“I’m sorry” Dan replies, looking down at the ground. Not wanting to look up directly at Phil in fear of all his thoughts and feelings just spilling out there and then.

Phil looks somewhat confused as he looked at Dan. “What are you sorry for?”

“For...whatever. It doesn’t matter, it’s fine.” He says quickly as he shifts uncomfortably in his seat. He starts pulling at a loose thread on his shirt and wishes for nothing more than to just be back at home, alone and away from all these people. It may have been three years since they left school, but it seems spending an evening with the people he grew up with have only brought back all the worries he thought he left behind.

It’s as if Phil’s read his mind when he asks, “Alright, do you want to leave?” He brings his chair closer to Dan’s.

Dan perks his head up, his eyes lock with Phil’s. “Yeah, yeah. Let’s go. Let’s just leave right now.”

“Wait, are you serious?” Phil’s eyebrow quirks up.

“Yeah, c’mon, pass me your car keys.” He says, holding out his hand.

Hesitantly, Phil plops his car keys in Dan’s hand.

Pushing his chair back, Dan gets up, and motions for Phil to follow him. “C’mon.”

**MARCH 2009**

It’s a quiet weekend for both Dan and Phil and even with the slightest bit of homework to get done, they’re both doing everything possible to put it off. Phil’s trying to figure out how set up his brand new, second hand Playstation 2 to the TV in his room. Meanwhile, Dan’s hanging off the edge of Phil’s bed, staring up at the slanted ceiling littered with photos, posters drawings and magazine clippings. He spots multiple photos of himself and Phil, some of them as kids on the playground, with friends at parties, or just the two of them.

“You ever think about what’s going to happen to all this when you move out?” Dan gestures above him.

“Don’t say that.” His voice quavers, clearly upset. “I don’t wanna think about that right now.”

“Sorry, just a thought.”

This is the one conversation they haven’t had. The two of them, they’ve probably talked about everything imaginable, from aliens to deep secrets to favourite songs to debates over what’s the best kind of cereal. (Phil still hasn’t given up on Shreddies). Dan and Phil know each other inside out, practically better than they know themselves. But what comes after the end of sixth form, what happens when university begins, is something they haven’t even dipped their toes into.

Dan knows it’s because neither of them want to suggest that this might have to end but, the truth is that it probably will. Even if he doesn’t want to admit it to himself. At this point in time, he’d love to be with Phil for the rest of his life, but he also knows he’s young and stupid and that in five, ten years, there’s a chance they could be completely different people. They probably will be and who’s to say they’d even get along with each other then. Dan’s not so sure but for now, he clings on, pushes away any doubts or worries, compartmentalizes them, they can be opened on another day. However today, a quiet Sunday with Phil, playing video games and cuddling, is not one of those days.

“I talked to Michelle today...” Dan says quietly

“You did?” Phil turns to look at Dan, surprised. It’s been 3 months since the incident at the New Year’s party, where she caught them kissing at the strike of midnight. Surprisingly, she was really understanding about it. The next Monday back at school, she came up to Dan and told him she was sorry, she promised him not to tell anyone about what she saw and that she was here to support him no matter what. Her definition of support, is quite loose.

“Yup. I think she thinks I’m going to be her gay best friend and take her shopping something.”

“Ugh, god.” Phil rolls his eyes and turns back to the PS2.

“It could be worse.” Dan argues.

“I guess.” He says simply and Dan takes that as a cue to end the conversation. Phil hates the mere thought of other people knowing about their relationship and although there’s only three, Ameer, Elsie and Michelle, it sends him into a world of panic.

Dan rolls off the bed with a loud thump. Phil, carefully huddled over his PS2, whips his head around, surprised, “Jesus!”

“Nope, just me Dan.”

“You’re an idiot.” Phil can’t help but let a smile spread across his face.

Dan crawls over to Phil, presses his lips to his cheek. “So are you.”

“Wow. You’re so romantic.” Phil says dryly.

“You know me.” Dan says, pushing Phil’s shaggy black fringe out of his eyes. “I like seeing your eyes. They’re so pretty.”

Phil groans mockingly, “ _Ugh, mom,_ how many times do I have to tell you? I’m emo now. My fringe _belongs_ there.”

Dan snorts, “Ew, please don’t ever call me mom again.”

“Dad, then?” Phil’s trying his hardest to contain his laughter.

“You’re disgusting,” He gives Phil a push. “Don’t ever talk to me again.”

“I can’t believe it had to end this way.” Phil puts on a pout.

“What a shame… It was okay while it lasted. I guess.” Dan heaves a melodramatic sigh and flops onto the ground, starfished out on the floor.

“Don’t just lie there, at least help me out with this.” Phil’s still fiddling with a clump of tangled up wires.

“But I’m just so comfortable,” Dan whines. “You should join me.”

“Don’t you want to play Final Fantasy?”

“Of course, but later, come cuddle me.” Dan extends his arms out.

“You’re unbelievably needy.” Phil rolls his eyes but obliges and lies down on the floor next to Dan.

Dan puts his arm around Phil’s shoulders. “I thought we established that about a week into this relationship?”

They both laugh. They lay together comfortably. It’s moments like these that Dan appreciates most, that makes him never want to let go of what they have. He knows in moments like these that he is always at ease, relaxed. He could be having the worst time of his life, overwhelmed with stress and anxiety but it’s in moments like these, where he finds solace in Phil’s company that he comes to a realisation. He realises that things can and do get easier, they get better, because if he can feel that peaceful and calm when he’s with Phil, who’s to say he can’t feel that otherwise.

His chest lightens, he smiles, holding Phil tighter.

“This isn’t even comfortable. _Dan._ ”

“Oh I’m the needy one? Right.”

“Please, let’s at least move this to the bed.” Phil sits up and heads over to his bed to prop up the pillows and readjust his comforter.

“Oooh, well alright, if you say so.” Dan hops onto the bed with ease, propping his head up with one hand and laying on his side, he sticks his leg up “seductively.” When he makes eye contact with Phil, he gives him a wink and blows him a kiss.

“Stop that. You’re not wooing anybody, you know what I mean.” Phil lies down beside him.

“I know and you know I love teasing you.”

“Bully.” Phil pokes his side.

“Uh-uh.” Dan cups Phil’s cheek, rubbing his thumb over the smallest bit of stubble that’s grown in.

“Mhm.” Phil nods and places his lips on Dan’s. Softly, slowly, they kiss, they cuddle and eventually, end up falling asleep. Their homework, all their worries, and the PS2 long forgotten about.

**JUNE 2012**

Dan and Phil drive in silence for a few minutes after leaving Elsie’s reunion party. It’s completely dark by this hour and not many people are driving around in such a small town, the streets are bare. The only noise comes from the rumble of the car’s engine and the gentle roll of tires against asphalt.

Phil speaks up eventually. “So, are you going to tell me what was up with you back there?”

“What?”

“Dan.” He sighs, his gaze directed towards the passenger window, watching the scenery pass by them as to avoid looking to Dan. “I don’t know if the reason you were upset was about me or something else but– I’m sorry about what I said, before. Obviously, we’re not one person but you were right in thinking we’d stick by each other’s side because, that’s what we’ve always done. Well, sort of.”

“Phil.”

“Let me finish. I know there’s been a lot of ups and downs between us but I don’t want it to always be like that. I want us to have stability and us to communicate and I want us to be friends again without feeling…” He’s at a loss. ”Well... I don’t know how to describe it.”

“Uncomfortable?” Dan offers, his driving slows, he pulls over to the side of the road, parks the car.

“I guess. I don’t know. I just want us to be able to get along like we used to– not that we don’t get along now– but I don’t want us to constantly feel the burden of the years we spent not talking. Does that make sense?”

Dan simply nods. Phil unbuckles his seatbelt to face Dan, he continues talking.

“Is it stupid that sometimes I wish we could go back to then? Everything seemed easier.”

“No, I do too. Sometimes.” Dan admits with a smile. “And it’s weird because when you’re in school, all you want to do is get out, but now that we’ve left…” He trails off, shrugs. “I don’t know, but I’m glad we’re talking again, hanging out.”

“Me too. Better late than never, right?”

“Right.” Dan takes off his seatbelt and turns to mirror Phil. It’s hard to read his facial expressions in the pitch black night-time; a few street lamps provide just enough light to see that Phil’s looking directly at him. Still. He hasn’t looked away as if his eyes are glued in one spot. It brings warmth to Dan’s face and makes his heart race quicken. He tries to remind himself that, it’s _just Phil_ , but that, of course, does nothing to help and instead, makes him feel even more like his past, excitable teenage self. Mostly, he just feels like an idiot.

Dan looks down and fiddles with his fingers, giving him something to do _other_ than look directly at Phil. This proves to be unsuccessful as when Dan hears Phil shuffling around and notices he’s reclining back his passenger seat, he leans back comfortably and sighs. He smiles to Dan, a wide, full, all teeth smile. Dan presumes he’s still a bit giddy from the alcohol.

Since they seem to be having somewhat of a heart to heart at the moment and thanks to his newfound nervous energy, Dan suddenly feels as though he needs to blurt out everything he’s ever wanted to say to Phil but still hasn’t had the chance to yet.

“It was really hard for me...” Dan struggles to find the right words to say. “After everything that happened. It was hard to accept that our relationship was over but it was even harder to accept that I had lost my lifelong best friend.”

Phil reaches out and softly touches Dan’s hand. “Dan, you never lost me.”

“I know, but it felt like it.” Dan’s chest feels hollow, as if he’s finally emptied out the last of all the words he’s never spoken aloud, as if he’s finally free of their weight on him.

“I’m so sorry. Dan.”’ Phil’s head droops and Dan feels immediately guilty.

“Hey, no, I’m sorry too. It’s both of our faults. Please don’t blame yourself.” Dan takes Phil’s hand and holds it in his own, a wave of comfort and warmth washes over him. “Is this okay?”

“More than okay.” Phil says.

Dan smiles and Phil reciprocates. All the while, he feels his palm becoming clammy but then again, so is Phil’s. It’s still between them, enjoying the small reassurance of each other’s touch.“Wanna head back now?”

“Yeah, let’s go, I’m tired.” Phil yawns.

“Seems so. Please don’t fall asleep on the ride back to your house, I really don’t want to have to lug you inside.

“Excuse me?” Phil puts on an offended front, “I’m a _responsible adult_ and I would _never._ ”

“Uh-uh.” Dan lets go of Phil’s hand and turns to put his seatbelt back on. “Now, c’mon Mr. Responsible Adult, put your seatbelt on!”

Phil quickly adjusts his seatbelt and clicks it into place. “Of course! Safety first.”

Dan turns the key, shifts into gear and pulls out of his spot by the curb. Soon enough, they’re following the roads back to Phil’s house.

Pulling into the driveway, Phil says, “My parents are away, up north visiting my grandparents.”

“Oooh, How exciting! Now we can stay up til 4 am playing Mario Kart and drink all of your Dad’s scotch.” Dan says, referencing the time about four years ago, where they really did do all that.

“God don’t remind me. I haven’t had a sip of scotch since.” Phil unbuckles his seatbelt and steps out of the car.

“Probably for the best.” Dan says once they’re heading up the steps to the front door. He hands Phil the car keys, he unlocks the door with another key on the ring. The two step inside and slide off their shoes. Although Dan didn’t spend much of any time inside at the Lester’s barbecue, he’s been over to Phil’s house hundreds of times and from what he remembers, everything is still exactly how it once was. Same small entrance way, same amount of shoes scattered about the front door, same old wood floors, same beige walls.

As they enter the big, open kitchen, Phil notices the time flashing on the stove, it reads, _10:56._ “It really isn’t that late is it?”

“I guess you really are a responsible adult. Or maybe just an old man.” Dan sits on one of the stools at the island. He props his head up using his hand.

Phil stretches, “You know, my back has been feeling kind of sore lately.”

“Aw, poor grandpa Phil.”

“Hey,” Phil laughs, heading towards the stairs. “I’m serious, let’s go lie down.”

“D’you still have your PS2 up there?”

“Yea, it’s kind of busted though.” He’s halfway up the stairs. “C’mon.”

Dan slides off the stool and races up the stairs, Phil’s already opening his bedroom door by the time Dan reaches the top. Stepping into Phil’s room for the first time in 3 years is like travelling back in time. It’s nearly identical to how it used to be, even with some slight adjustments. For example, the overwhelming amount of plants that Phil’s room now inhabits.

“Sorry about all the plants,” Phil says as he notices Dan’s eyes glancing over them. “Mum got really into caring for houseplants while I was away at uni, god knows why but, apparently my room gets the most sunlight so she likes to keep some in here.

“They’re a replacement for you and Martyn, obviously”

“Obviously, I mean this one looks quite like me I’d say.” Phil pokes a prickly looking cactus. “Ouch! I barely even touched it!” He exclaims, shaking his hand as if that’ll relieve the pain.

Dan bursts into laughter.

“Stop, don’t laugh at me, get me some ice!” Phil can’t help but laugh along too at his own stupidity.

“You’re really a danger to yourself.”

“Unfortunately.” Phil flops down on his bed.

Dan goes to sit beside him, legs crossed, he looks up at the ceiling above them. Poster and magazine clippings, photos and doodles still remain tacked up. He spots a photo of him and Phil, sat beside each other on the grass, they can’t be older than about six. Both of them are showing off their wide smiles and holding cones of ice cream. Ice cream which seems to have ended up on their faces instead of in their mouths. He stands to grab the photo and sits back down, showing it to Phil. “This is so cute.”

“I know, I love that photo.” Phil takes it into his hands, his face softens. “God, I have so many old photos of us. I might have a photo album somewhere.”

“Oh my god, please.”

Phil gets up from the bed and starts digging through desk drawers, his dresser, he tosses things out and throws things back in. All the while, Dan laughs contentedly to himself, enjoying the mess unfolding in front of his eyes. Finally, Phil rummages through his closet and lets out an excited yelp.

“Found it!” He comes out holding a thick black book in his hands. “Here,” he places it in Dan’s hands. “My mum put together a photo album of little ol’ me a while back. And no surprise, there’s tons of photos with you.”

The front of it reads, _Phil, Ages 1 month-18 years._ Dan cracks open the book as Phil settles in beside him on the bed. The first few pages are just baby photos of Phil, and while, they’re cute, Dan mostly just wants to get to the absolutely embarrassing photos of him and Phil. Ones that he’s completely blocked out of his memory.

“Hey, take some time to appreciate Baby Phil.”

“Yes, he’s adorable.” Dan flips over another page.

Phil points to a photo of him, probably around age 2, red faced and crying. “Look you made him upset.”

“Sorry Baby Phil. I hope 5 year old Phil can forgive me.” Dan says, coming across the first photo of the two of them together on the first day of primary school. “Thankfully,” Phil looks to Dan, “I think he does.”

“Good,” smiles Dan.

They spend the rest of the night flipping through old photos. Starting from the two of them at age 6 playing together in the park, to age 9, playing on Dan’s Nintendo 64, to the first day of secondary school where both of them seem to be going through an awful hair phase, Dan having just discovered straightening irons and Phil having accidentally dyed his hair bright orange. There’s photos of the two of them celebrating Phil’s 12th birthday with other friends, all gathered around Phil’s dining room table.

“I never realized your mum took so many photos.”

“Neither did I, I guess but I’m thankful for it. This is like a time capsule.” Phil holds the photo album up in his hands.

Eventually, they get up to their prime awkward phases, around age 13, both of them sporting matching long shaggy fringes. They laugh over how similar they look with their fringes, crappy band tees and Phil not having dyed his hair black yet. Embarrassing school photos are followed by embarrassing Halloween costumes.

Next, they stumble across a photo from a formal dance they attended at school. They’re both about 16, looking happier than ever before, standing with their group of friends: Elsie, Ameer, Tom, Avideh and Maia. Dan can’t remember the last time he saw a photo with the seven of them all together. He misses that. He misses all of them. As hard as that may be to admit. The feeling of nostalgia he gets from looking at these photos is slightly overwhelming and sadness pinches his gut and his eyes feel watery, he’s worried he’s about to tear up. Maybe Elsie’s roadtrip idea doesn’t sound too bad after all. Especially now, since he’s made up with Ameer, Dan wants to go back to that group, he wants to return to the sense of comfort and familiarity he had always felt with them.

“Sorry for being weird before. You, know, about the road trip. I really think we should go.” Dan speaks up.

“Yeah,” Phil yawns, resting his head on Dan’s shoulder, “We should. It’ll be good.”

“You alright there?”

“Mhm,” Phil hums, Dan can tell he’s close to falling asleep but he continues to flip through the album regardless.

Dan gets through their next couple years of sixth form until he finally reaches some more formal photos from a week after results day. Their families had gone out to a fancy restaurant together to celebrate the two of them getting into their top universities. He remembers that day so clearly. Unfortunately. It was only about a day after he and Phil decided to end things, neither of them were anywhere near over each other. Dan remembers how hard it was getting through that entire evening.

There’s one photo in particular, that sticks out to him, it’s a photo of just him and Phil. Both of their parents, being completely oblivious to the fact that they ever were in a relationship and ever broke up, thought it would be a great idea to get a photo of the two of them together. Doing their bests to avoid touching the other person, there’s no arm wrapped around the other’s shoulder as usual. The two of them are simply stood there, weak smiles plastered on, waiting for it all to be over with.

Dan remembers both of their parents gushing over how sweet it was that the two of them were still the best of friends, which, only made it hurt more. He never told his parents that they were together and quite honestly, he’s not sure if he ever will. He remembers, after the photo was taken, they said quick goodbye and parted ways. For three entire years. Dan’s chest aches, he feels so stupid for not reaching out to Phil sooner, now knowing that they were both hurt because of what happened, that they both wanted so desperately to reconnect. But neither of them acted on it.

He wants to express this to Phil, he wants to apologize but when he looks over to him, still snuggled up by his side, Phil’s already fallen asleep. Dan closes the book and puts it on Phil’s bedside table.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers, brushing over Phil’s hand with his own.

Phil stirs slightly, moving to place his head on his pillow as Dan readjusts to slip under Phil’s duvet. He expertly wriggles out of his jeans while laying down and tosses them onto Phil’s floor, too tired to bother with taking off his top, he settles into bed. After switching off Phil’s bedside lamp, they’re plunged into complete darkness. He feels Phil’s hand grab his arm, softly, gently, reassuringly, it stays there as Dan closes his eyes and begins to drift off into sleep.

For the first time since reconnecting with Phil, Dan feels completely at ease. He feels like he’s been transported back in time to where doing _this_ was their norm. A weight has been lifted off of him, a rift has been fixed between them and all is okay.

**JULY 2012**

Over the weeks following Elsie’s reunion party, Dan and Phil continue to spend even more time together. Revisiting their favourite spots around Stroud, spending time at each other’s houses or Phil simply spending time at _Deja Brew_ when Dan’s working there.

It’s a slow day today, a Tuesday, a few regulars fill the window seats and soft indie guitar music plays over the speaks, filling the space. Thankfully, the lack of customers means Dan’s able to spend more time than usual with Phil when he pops in for a visit. Ashley, very graciously, covers for him and even seems highly entertained by the fact that Phil’s come here _just_ to see Dan.

“It’s a nice coffee shop!” Dan protests. “There aren’t many around.” That’s a lie, there’s a Starbucks just down the street and a Costa a five minute walk away.

“You’re an idiot Dan Howell.” Ashley’s taking a fresh tray of chocolate croissants out of the oven. They radiate warmth and smell absolutely heavenly.

He can’t help but try to grab one from the tray.

“Watch it! They just came out of the oven... What was I just saying about you being an idiot?”

“I appreciate the compliment.” He smiles grimly, blowing on the croissant in an attempt to cool it down so it's humanly possible to eat it.

“Hey! No! You don’t get to eat that.” Ashley snatches the croissant out of his hand just as he’s about to take a bite. She scavenges around for a plate and finally finds one to set the pastry on, she pushes it into Dan’s hands. “Here, give this to your boy, on the house.”

 _Your boy._ Dan’s stomach twists at that and he almost objects the title. “Oh I’ll pay for it.” Dan insists, gripping the plate tightly.

Ashley tuts, shaking her head, “Go on.” She nods her head towards where Phil’s sitting.

Phil stretches his arms behind his head. It’s just before noon and Phil’s been here since Dan’s shift started, around 9. Dan’s tried not to pry too much but Phil seems to be busy with some sort of writing project, he's always had a knack for those kinds of things, which Dan seriously envies. He sets down a warm chocolate croissant on the table and takes a seat across from Phil.

“Here, refuel. On the house.” Dan gives a warm smile, which Phil returns.

“Aw, you sure?” Phil doesn’t break eye contact with him.

“You deserve it.” Is the best Dan can manage to come up with as a sort of excuse, he waves a hand.

“Thanks Dan.” Phil pulls the plate in front of him.

“How's it going?” Dan leans back in his seat. He prides himself on working at a cafe that is not only cute, friendly and stocked with delicious food and drink, but one that is comfortable and cozy, drawing people in for hours at a time.

Phil shrugs, sighs. “Just feeling stuck.”

Dan lifts up his shoulders and flutters his lashes mockingly. “Can I be of any inspiration?”

Phil chuckles, tearing a piece of the croissant. “Pretty. I appreciate it.” He puts the piece in his mouth and they remain silent.

Dan finds that at this stage in their relationship– friendship, though it runs much deeper than just a simple friendship – they are really just content to just enjoy the company of the other person, even if that means that conversation isn’t necessary. It allows them to both reflect and think while spending time together. Whereas, when they were younger, Dan can remember that they always had to be talking or laughing or kissing or doing _something_ together. Though now he finds that, he just enjoys these quiet moments with Phil. Perhaps it's because of the amount of time they spent apart from each other, without contact, but no matter the reason, Dan’s glad that Phil appreciates them too.

Phil’s eyes light up suddenly, as if he was struck with sudden inspiration and he types something up on his laptop, fingers dancing across the keys like rapid fire.

“You gonna tell me what you’re writing about?” Dan leans across the table.

“Nope,” Phil laughs lightheartedly, closing his laptop slightly, to keep Dan from getting a sneak peek at anything.

“You suck, c’mon.”

Phil waves a hand at Dan dismissively, “Not now. When it’s done okay? I promise.”

“Pinky promise?” Dan holds out his hand

“You’re an idiot,” Phil says but he locks his pinky with Dan’s. “Good?”

Dan nods, and it’s the truth, it is good. Everything is good when he’s with Phil.

**JUNE 2009**

It’s the day before their final exams and Dan and Phil decide to study together as a way to keep each other on task and motivated. Although it took them a while to actually get started with studying three hours since starting, Dan feels successful in getting a good amount of work done. Despite the fact that his exam is in about 16 hours, he feels at ease. Phil, however, is another story.

“God, I feel like my eyes are about to fall out of my head.” Phil rests his head on his desk covered with papers, worksheet notes he’s had since the beginning of the year. He closes his eyes, deep purple circles are set underneath. He looks as if he hasn’t had a good night’s sleep in weeks. Revising for exams is always hell.

“Then give it a rest. C’mon, let’s go get ice cream or something.” Dan suggests from his spot on Phil’s bed, staring down at his laptop, he’s supposed to be researching information for his geography exam.

“Dan.” Phil lifts his head and straightens up in his chair.

“What? We’ve done a good three hours of studying, I’d say we deserve a break don’t you?” Dan shuts his laptop.

“I– No. No, I need to keep at it.”

“Phil, you deserve a break.”

“No, I have to study. The exam’s tomorrow and I feel like I haven’t retained anything.” Phil says sharply, snapping at Dan.

“Okay. Is there anything I can do to help?” Dan asks, getting up from the bed and moving over towards Phil’s desk.

Phil swivels around in his chair, running a hand through his already disheveled hair. “No, god, I need to focus.” He looks to Dan frantically, gripping his mechanical pencil so tightly that his knuckles are white.

“Phil–” Dan tries to protest.

“This is important Dan! Just leave me alone, okay?” There’s anger and frustration in his words, anger and frustration displayed across his face. His brows knit together, face red and breaths heavy.

While the words bite, Dan tries his best to remain calm, he knows Phil isn’t it the best state of mind right now. Clearly, Phil is distressed, anxious, Dan knows he gets like that sometimes and it’s hard to watch, knowing that there’s only so much he can do to help. “Do you want me to leave?”

A look of defeat flashes across Phil’s face, the tension in his face relaxes. He loosens his grip on the pencil and leans back in his chair. “No, of course not, I don’t. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I know how hard all this is,” Dan opens up his arms.

Phil gets up from his chair and collapses into Dan, wrapping his arms tightly around him. They stand there, Phil taking deep breaths in an attempt to calm himself down. Finally he says, quietly, “It’s my entire future Dan and I’m so terrified.”

“Phil,” Dan’s voice breaks out of sadness. “It’s okay. You’re going to amazingly well, I know it.” He’s not sure if what he’s saying is helping but he keeps going, steps back to look Phil in the eyes, “You’re so smart, you know that right? And things will work out one way or another, no matter what. Even if you fail miserably.” 

“I guess.” Phil agrees weakly, still filled with uncertainty. “But what if…”

“Even if, you’ll be okay. We both will. Alright?” Dan says with the utmost certainty, even though, he too, has no idea how things will turn out for the both of them.

“Okay.” Phil’s voice is shaky but still, he presses a kiss to Dan’s cheek and rests his head against his chest. He breathes in. Out. For a moment, all is okay.

**JULY 2012**

It’s the last day of July and Dan and Phil are sat outside, enjoying the warm weather. Every time that they’ve properly hung out, they’ve tried to do something different. Going to the movies ordifferent cafés, taking walks through neighbourhood parks and revisiting their old stomping grounds. This time, they had planned to have an afternoon picnic of sorts. Unfortunately, bugs kept crawling over them, wanting to take bites out of their food, which caused Phil to jump up to his feet every time he saw so much as an ant.

So, they resort to eating their sandwiches and crisps on a bench in front of a small pond, a few ducks swim back and forth through the reeds. Shade from nearby trees cascades over them. It’s slightly too hot and Dan can feel sweat trickling down his forehead but he knows he’ll be complaining about the cold come November so he supposes, in retrospect, it’s not too bad. He likes the sunshine. Phil does too, although he is starting to look rather pink.

“You’re looking a little red did you remember to put on sunscreen?”

“Are you my mum? Yes, SPF 50.” Phil rolls his eyes mockingly.

“Alright, alright. Just don’t come complaining to me when your face hurts and your skin’s peeling off.”

“That’s a lovely visual for our picnic, especially while eating. Thanks.” Phil puts on a forced smile.

“You’re so welcome,” Dan smiles back, near laughter.

“Mmm!” Phil exclaims, still chewing a bite of his sandwich, “I forgot to tell you, Elsie texted me last night, asking if we were still down for that road trip? It’ll be two weeks from now, we’ll leave the Friday morning and get back Sunday evening.”

In all honesty, Dan had completely forgotten, with work and spending so much time with Phil again, he’s hardly had time to think about anything else. But he thinks a road trip like this will be nice, a nice sort of reunion of their old friend group. He’s always had a great time with the six of them. They have so many good memories together and hopefully, there are still more good memories to come.

Even if it’s absolutely terrible, he knows he has Phil by his side. As soon as he thinks this, he realizes that, _god,_ they’ve evolved back into their old selves. Always spending time together and having each other’s backs no matter what, practically relying on each other. Dan can’t say that he really minds. It’s been awhile since he’s truly had a friend like that.

“Of course,” says Dan. All he needs is to make sure he can get time off work. He’s sure it won’t be a problem as it’s practically all he’s been doing for the last 3 months.

“Good, I know you were kind of wary before but, I think it’ll be good and if it’s shit, then at least we have each other.” It’s good to know Phil feels the same way. That he doesn’t mind having his old best friend back in place.

“No I’m in. It should be good.”

“Yeah, as long as I can manage to get up on time. I don’t think I’ve woken up earlier than 9 in about two years.”

“So responsible.”

“What can I say?” Phil shrugs as he takes another bite of his sandwich. A breeze passes by and ruffles through his fringe, the sight of, with his hair all stood up at different angles, makes Dan laugh. Phil quickly takes notice and pats down his fringe.

“Aw, I liked that, it was a good look. Very avant-garde.”

“Exactly what I was going for! Thanks for noticing.” Phil says sarcastically.

The sun shines down upon them and happiness hangs in the air between them. Dan sits and enjoys the moment, watches the people passing by, the ducks bopping their heads into the water, listens to the birds chirping, the barks of dogs in the distance. Admittedly, Dan isn’t one to spend a ton of time outdoors, he doesn’t go hiking or go outside for a jog. Mostly this is due to the fact that he simply doesn’t have time but right here, sitting on the bench with Phil by his side, he gets lost in the moment. It’s total serenity.

Phil’s seems to take notice of the quiet and speaks up. “It’s quite short trip though, I guess I thought it’d be longer.”

“Yeah… Where are we even headed anyway?” Dan says, he feels stupid for not asking earlier.

“Weymouth. It’s right by the shore. Supposedly it’s really nice, small little houses, a nice beach.I think Elsie said something about renting an Airbnb? I dunno, I guess we’ll have to see won’t we?”

Dan nods. They will.

By the time they’re finished eating, Phil’s about 2x redder than he was at the start of the picnic. He’s not complaining now but Dan’s sure, that by tomorrow, he’ll be getting a slew of messages from Phil complaining about peeling skin or aloe vera or something of the sort.

Dan checks the time on his phone, it reads 4:02, meaning he has to be at work in about half an hour. He wishes they could stay longer and bask in the sunlight, making mindless conversation but he has a shift at work this evening.

“I’d better get going.”

“Aw really?” Phil’s lips turn downwards, clearly upset.

“Sorry, I have a shift tonight. Thought I told you.”

“Must’ve forgotten,” Phil admits. “Well, at least let me walk you home.” He gets up from his spot on the bench and starts to pack up his things into his backpack, their much more unorthodox, modern version of a picnic basket.

Together, they start their walk towards Dan’s house, exiting the bush made arch, separating the park from the sidewalk.

“This was nice, I can’t remember the last time I went on a picnic,” says Phil as they’re walking along the rows of friendly suburban houses,“It was worth it, even with the bug incident.”

“They were _ants_ Phil, there was no incident.”

“Still gross,” Phil shivers and Dan chuckles.

There’s a beat. And in what seems to be a leap of faith, Phil links his arm with Dan’s so that they’re walking arm in arm. It happens so quickly, it takes Dan a second to process it but, they continue to walk comfortably. This is nice, he thinks. It’s definitely different but he could get used to more of this. It’s a definite change, he thinks, from how Phil used to be. Dan couldn’t even touch Phil’s arm in public without Phil looking around them every 5 seconds in case somebody was watching. But this, this is nice and it feels familiar. His heart seems to want to beat out of his chest at the moment but he’s okay with this, more than okay with this.

“I hope it was worth your skin sacrifice too,” Dan adds, trying to shift his focus.

“I’ll be fine.” Phil says but Dan’s still skeptical.

“Mhm.” 

“Yes.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Well you’ve got to believe me at some point.” The words are nearly insignificant, merely a joke but they strike a chord in Dan’s chest.

“I don’t think I even trust you to take care of yourself, Phil. But… I’ll think about it.”

“Alright, well, you let me know.” Phil removes his arm from Dan’s but still keeps his hand on his arm, grip soft but comforting. At this point, they’ve already reached Dan’s house.

“Okay, I will,” Dan nods, his eyes are stuck on Phil’s, trying not to glance down at the fact that Phil’s holding onto his arm. As if he doesn’t want to let Dan go. As if he wants him to stay there. Wants to spend more time with him. Wants to be with him, no matter what. Dan tries not to read into it too much. He tries not to project his own emotions onto the situation too much. But, he can’t really help doing either. His brain’s working a mile a minute.

“Good. Have _so much_ fun at work.” Phil brings his arm down to his side, letting go of Dan.

“Thanks,” Dan scoffs and starts to step backwards towards his house. “Have fun with your sunburn!”

Phil gives him the finger and Dan bursts into laughter before heading inside the front door.

**AUGUST 2012**

The next two weeks seem to fly by. Dan spends most of his time working but somehow still manages to find an afternoon or a couple of hours in an evening to spend with Phil too. Something that becomes a regular occurrence is going on walks round the local park after Dan finishes work and the sun is setting. They go out to dinner or go to Luke’s but, most of the time they spend at each other’s houses. Before Dan knows it, he’s stuffing clothes into a duffel bag and rushing to pack for their road trip. It’s seven of them in total that are set to go on the trip, all planning to pile into Maia’s family minivan. Which is ironic considering the fact that she cannot drive to save her life. Thankfully, Tom’s volunteered to do so, which isn’t much considering it’s about two hours away.

It’s Thursday night and they’re set to leave for Weymouth tomorrow morning at 8. Dan’s dreading waking up that early but luckily, Phil’s staying over tonight. Partially to ensure that the two of them actually get up on time, partially out of convenience when they’re picked up in the morning. Though in Dan’s eyes, it’s mostly just another excuse to spend more time with each other.

“So careless,” Phil’s leaning back on Dan’s bed, his arms stretched behind his head. “Aren’t you going to spend any time planning your outfits? I always thought you were that kind of person.”

“Are you serious? Who do you think I am?” Dan scoffs. “As long as it’s black, white or grey, it’ll go together.”

“Solid philosophy.”

“I’d hope so, I am studying philosophy.”

“I don’t think that’s really the same thing.” Phil laughs.

“Uh, of course it is….? Trust me, I’m basically Plato. God, I can’t believe you would insult me like this.” Dan jokes, grabbing another pair of shorts and putting it into his bag.

“Uh-huh,” Phil has a bemused expression on his face.

“You don’t believe me? You’re so mean.” Dan shakes his head, zipping up his duffel, finally finished with packing.

“Oh please, liar.”

Dan sits on the edge of his bed, “You’re right.” He puts on a sad face, “I’m the mean one.”

“No you’re not shut up,” Phil grabs Dan’s arm and pulls him down so that they’re both lying side by side on the bed.

“Do you wanna watch a movie?” Dan asks, though his body’s telling him otherwise, telling him to stay put and sleep.

“No, it’s okay. This is nice.”

After a few moments pass, the two of them still, Phil starts to run his fingers through Dan’s hair. It sends a shiver up Dan’s spine. Phil’s been doing this a lot lately, being a lot more touchy. Grabbing his arm to hold onto if they’re walking side by side, resting his head on Dan’s shoulder if he’s tired and they’re watching a movie, or just simply giving Dan a hug. It’s not as if Dan minds but, it’s definitely different for them.He wonders if it’s Phil’s way of getting across the hint that he wants this to move forward, to evolve into something else. It’s definitely a step towards how things used to be and Dan’s not so sure if he wants that, if he’s ready for that.

Dan wouldn’t mind it, of course. He spends so much of his free time with Phil and he enjoys doing so but, he hasn’t had a relationship that has lasted as long as his relationship with Phil and he’s not sure if he’s ready to delve back into that. He’s not sure if he’s prepared. Dan knew what it was like to be in a relationship with Phil at age 17, 18. He was comfortable with that. But now? It’s a whole different ball game and it would be a big, blind leap of faith for him.

As hard as it is, he tries to push that away and just enjoy being in the moment with Phil’s fingers in his hair, the heat of his body pressed up next to him. They make simple conversation, share their excitements about tomorrow and tell each other stupid jokes until they’re both exhausted. It’s not even that late, probably only about 10 o’clock but Dan can already feel his eyelids start to droop closed, a heaviness pressing down on him and drawing him into sleep. Phil turns off Dan’s bedside lamp so that the soft glow of the moon shining through his window is the only source of light.

“Goodnight Dan.” Phil whispers. He takes his hand from Dan’s hair and runs it up and down his arm, slowly, softly, gently.

His eyes are already closed by this point but he leans into Phil’s touch, into his warmth and comfort. Dan can’t remember the last time he felt this at ease, all worries and stress seem to disappear from his mind. “Goodnight Phil.”

Dan rests easy that night.

*

By some miracle, Dan and Phil manage to get up bright and early at 7 am the next morning. They pile into Maia’s minivan along with everyone else. Avideh, in the passenger seat, plugs her phone into the aux cord and puts on hits from the 2000s. There’s a collective groan when _Hey There Delilah_ comes on but by the time that Avril Lavigne’s _Girlfriend_ is blasting over the speakers, they’re all singing along to the words. It’s a good way to wake everybody up.

After a few sing-a-long sessions, everyone gets kind of tired and ends up doing their own thing. Avideh and Tom up front are having a conversation in hushed tones. As per usual, Maia and Ameer, in the middle row, are bickering over something but still laughing all the same. Elsie, sat beside Phil in the back, is dead asleep. Meanwhile, he and Dan are both listening to some new electronic-indie-rock album Dan’s been dying to show him. Phil doesn’t like it as much as Dan seems to but, he keeps his mouth shut to make him happy.

They’ve been on the road for about a half hour before Ameer finally complains that he wants to stop and go to the bathroom.

“Should’ve gone before.” Maia shrugs.

“It’s not my fault.” Ameer whines.

“I dunno, it kind of is, could’ve gone before you left the house.”

Ameer rolls his eyes and throws his head back, annoyed. Maia grins devilishly.

Dan feels at peace, enjoying the lush green scenery passing by them as they drive down the freeway. A giddy, excited feeling spreads from his toes to stomach to his chest to his face and he feels as though he’s radiating happiness. He’s missed hearing their constant back and forth banter. He’s missed having a big group of friends like this, being able to all laugh and joke together.

Sure, he has friends at university, one here or there, small groups of them, but only a few were real, true friends. Even still, it’s not as if he’s kept in contact with those close friends much now that he’s been back home for the summer. A simple _hey how’s your summer going?_ Is probably the most he’s kept in touch with them. He appreciates them of course but a lot of the friends Dan’s made at university would just use him to get notes they’d missed in class or would pile 98% of the work for a group project on him.

However, being here now, with his old group of friends, he feels a sense of security even though it’s been years since they’ve all spent time together on a regular basis. In the strangest way, being with them all feels like being back home, like reuniting with his long lost family. And Dan is so glad he’s found his way back. It’s like he’s slotted himself back into the puzzle he’d always been missing from.

“We’ll stop in about 20 minutes, can you survive until then?” asks Tom, looking at Ameer through the rearview mirror.

“I’ll try. Sorry if I end up ruining your family’s car, Maia.”

“ _God!_ You’re _so_ gross!” She punches him in the arm.

“Can you two get a room?” Avideh asks.

“Well when we get to Weymouth we sure can,” Maia waggles her eyebrows.

“ _Stop,”_ Avideh groans, covering her ears dramatically. “Protect the children!”

The bickering goes back and forth around the whole group, Tom tells them to shut up so he can concentrate on driving, but it’s all good hearted, everyone ends up with a grin on their face. Eventually, they stop at a gas station and everyone gets out of the car in search of snacks while Maia offers to fill up the tank.

In total, the group probably ends up getting more junk food than they could possibly consume in one weekend. Dan gets himself and Phil two diet cokes, a couple bags of crisps and a pack of Haribo gummies. Elsie buys an armful of sweets, Ameer settles for some energy drinks and chocolate and Avideh and Tom decide to buy crisps and some suspicious looking sandwiches. It seems as though this excessive amount of food was enough to put everybody in a food coma so only about 20 minutes after leaving the gas station, everyone seems to be falling asleep. Except for Ameer after downing two cans of Red Bull and Tom, fortunately.

“Your shoulder isn’t a comfortable pillow,” Phil complains, trying to readjust himself.

“What do you expect? Plus, now I’m uncomfortable.”

Phil pouts at Dan.

“I wanna nap _too_.” Dan says, he knows they’re acting like children.

“Oh will you two shut up. You’re like my grandparents. Here, take my neck pillow.” Maia turns around in her seat and gives Phil her koala neck pillow.

“Thanks. It’s so cute,” Phil eyes light up and Dan finds it far too sweet.

Dan finds himself transfixed in Phil’s little expression of excitement. It’s ridiculous but being with Phil, in this close proximity, in this sort of situation, it all kind of makes him melt. Like last night, when they were laying in Dan’s bed together, he kind of felt as if his brain had turned to mush and the only part it could focus on was Phil. He’s not really sure what it means and he tries not to really think about it.

They end up putting the neck pillow between the two of them and sharing it. It’s less than ideal considering how small it is, being made for only one person but they end up having a nice nap and somehow they make it work. They always seem to find a way to.

*

The first thing Dan notices as their car begins to trail through the streets of Weymouth is the colours that seem to be alive all throughout the small town. Houses that are yellow, red and pink, stone walls painted over purple. Small amusement park rides and attractions are set up for the summer. Carnival tents, giant slides, some spinny rides, and a smaller-sized ferris wheel. They stand out the most with their obnoxious striped patterns and almost neon colours.

There’s a few white, fluffy clouds in the rather clear sky overhead. The strong, deep blue of the sea, with waves rolling and crashing against the sand, stands out against the dull beige sand. Boats of all shapes, colours and sizes are stationed in the harbour, some already sailing in the sea. People of all sorts, families, couples, teenagers, mill about the streets, stepping into and coming out of quaint little shops and restaurants with old brick facades. Dan supposes they’ll have to come back later and check them out.

Tom heads straight to the Airbnb once they get into town. Lucky for them, it’s a nice little blue house, with immediate access to the beach. He parks the minivan in the back driveway and the six of them clamber out of the car, grabbing their belongings from the trunk.

Tom stretches his arms behind his head once he get out of the car. “That wasn’t too bad was it?”

“Yes, thank you for your courageous efforts.” says Elsie, giving him a pat on the shoulder.

“Of course. I mean, I had to make sure we all survived such a long, treacherous journey. Right Ameer?” Tom jokes.

Ameer gives him a mocking, overly aggressive glare, getting right up in Tom’s face before heading to the trunk of the car to get his stuff.

Phil leans up against Dan after they’ve both gotten their duffel bags out of the car. “My back hurts,” He complains.

“Aw poor old man,” says Dan.

“Oh shut up. I’m only like 5 months older than you.”

“A lot can happen in that time… Like, growing grey hairs, for example.”

Phil gives Dan a deadpan look. Someone slams the door of the trunk shut behind them.

“Oh! I think I see one!” Dan reaches out to touch Phil’s hair. It’s completely mussed up after he spent about half the car journey with his head rested against Dan’s shoulder. Phil doesn’t seem to mind though, or at least, he just hasn’t even realized yet.

Phil tries to swat Dan’s hand away, “Stop it!” Dan continues to try to ruffle with Phil’s hair. The two can’t help but erupt into giggles. It’s as if they’re 12 years old again.

“Dan! Phil! C’mon!” Elsie’s standing in the doorway of the house, hand on her hip, watching them. Little to their notice, she had already unlocked the door and the rest of the group has made their way inside the house. They were once again, lost in their own little world.

Embarrassed, they quickly head inside. As Phil passes by Elsie with a bemused look on her face, she whispers something in his ear. Dan isn’t able to catch what she says but from the way that Phil vigorously shakes his head and turns bright red afterwards, he not sure he wants to know.

They decide to take a quick tour of the the first floor of the house, it’s fairly small. The front hallway leads into the bright, sunny living room with brown leather couches. The living room connects to a kitchen that looks like something straight out of the 70s, at the very least it definitely hasn’t been renovated since then. From the kitchen, there’s a large breakfast nook with big windows and sliding doors leading to the backyard. Past the backyard fence, there’s an amazing view of the beach, waves rolling back and forth.

“This place is amazing,” Dan says, with Elsie close behind him.

“Right? Oh my god, I’m so glad I found it.”

By the time he and Phil get up to the second floor of the house where all of the bedrooms are, all three are taken. Maia and Ameer quickly claim the largest one with an en-suite, no surprises there. Avideh and Elsie are in another, smaller room. And finally Tom settles in the third. Dan remembers Elsie mentioning that there’s a large comfy sofa for someone to sleep on in the living room and he figures that one of them will have to sleep there, and the other with Tom. It’s a less than ideal situation.

“So… Rock paper scissors?” Dan begins to ask before he’s interrupted by Tom, stepping out of his room.

“You guys can have it.”

“What?” Dan asks, genuinely confused as to why Tom would give up the room so easily.

“Seriously, just take it.”

“Are you sure?” Phil says cautiously.

Tom laughs, “I have a feeling you’ll make more use of it than I will.”

His words feel like a punch in the gut, heat rises to Dan’s cheeks and as he looks over to Phil, he sees how absolutely mortified he looks.

“We’re going to the beach in 15 minutes!” Elsie calls out from down the hall but the words barely seem to register with Dan.

Dan’s never really thought too much about it but he supposes that after they broke up, everyone kind of realized that there had been something between them, something more than just a simple friendship. He doesn’t know if perhaps Ameer told or if Elsie told, or _hell,_ even Michelle. Perhaps, people simply drew their own conclusions but if Tom’s comment makes anything clear, it’s that people know. They know what happened between them without the two of them even saying anything on the matter.

To Dan, it honestly feels violating. Like someone’s read his diary or looked through his personal text messages. One of the deepest parts of himself has been exposed to others unwillingly and he feels like he’s going to be sick. Of course, there’s nothing between them anymore but, somewhere within himself, his teenage self is still protective of it. Of his relationship with Phil. It was private, it was theirs, it wasn’t something to share with friends or family.

Quickly, Dan pushes his way into the bedroom and Phil follows suit and closes the door behind them. He sits down on the big queen bed with a groan. “How do they know?”

“I don’t know,” Phil’s arms are wrapped around himself, stood in the middle of the room.

“It’s not as if we told people we broke up or anything.”

“No we didn’t.” Phil agrees, it’s the truth, though he doesn’t really know what else to say.

“Would Elsie tell? Ameer?”

“No, no. I don’t know Dan.” He’s pacing back and forth across the length of the room, clearly worried and exasperated. “Do we have to talk about this right now? I’d rather not get this weekend off to a bad start.”

“I know, you’re right,” Dan keeps his head bowed, eyes fixed on the carpeted flooring. “I just feel… I don’t know.”

“I feels weird, doesn’t it? Does that make any sense? It’s like, I feel vulnerable, almost...” He hesitates, “I don’t know.” It’s like Phil’s taking the words from Dan’s thoughts and spewing them all out. It’s in that moment that Dan remembers again why he has always and will always appreciate Phil’s company. And the strange, almost super-human connection that the two of them seem to posses.

“No, no, you’re right. It does make sense. I mean, it was our secret Phil.” Dan’s voice is close to breaking. Phil sits on the bed next to him, his eyes filled with genuine concern and sympathy. He places an arm around Dan. “Secrets are hard.” Dan closes his eyes and rests his head against Phil’s shoulder. This is new, this he hasn’t done in a long while. Usually, it’s Phil wanting to cozy up to him.

‘That doesn’t mean we can’t make new secrets.”

“Are you secretly a vampire? I mean your skin, I’d buy it.”

Phil scoffs, “Rude. But no, not _that_ kind of secret.”

“Then what?”

“I dunno,” Phil shrugs and so Dan’s head lifts back up to look Phil in the eyes, they’re darting all over the place. Dan’s trying to read Phil’s face but it’s nearly impossible in times like this. He used to be better at it, he used to be able to take one glance and recognize almost immediately how Phil was feeling. Another super-human connection of theirs. At this time, more than any other, he wishes he had that handy.

“I guess I was just thinking… “ Phil continues, his voice shaky. “Something like…”

With their eyes locked on each other and their close proximity, Dan thinks, maybe, for a split second there’s a possibility of something happening right then and there. He thinks Phil’s leaning in closer to him. He can’t tell if it’s just his mind playing tricks on him or not. He can’t tell if it’s just himself reading into things more than he should. It’s not as if Phil would… _Would he?_ Not right now at least. And with all their friends on the other side of the door? Definitely not now. _Right?_

Dan’s trying to convince himself that this isn’t really happening, he swears Phil’s about to cup his cheek when there’s a knock at the door and the two jump apart. Phil gets to his feet. Dan stays seated on the bed, arms crossed around his stomach.

Elsie sticks her head through the door, and immediately reads the distressed expressions on their faces. “Everything alright?’

“Yeah, totally.” Dan says quickly, smiling uncomfortably. “Phil just forgot his sunscreen! How could you Phil! You’re going to burn!” Dan’s praying to every deity, any deity, that Elsie doesn’t press it any further and buys his shitty excuse.

“Oh yeah. My sunscreen. My poor sunscreen.” Phil looks at Dan, completely confused. Dan uses all of his willpower to not laugh at Phil’s terrible, monotonous, dry excuse for acting.

“You two are weird. Anyway, I wasn’t sure if you heard me about going to the beach and just wanted to make sure.”

“Yup,” Dan says at the same time that Phil says, “Yes.”

Dan nods, probably more than he needs to but all he wants right now is for Elsie to leave them alone. He looks at a painting of a black cat hung on the wall instead of looking directly to her.

“Alright weirdos… Well I’ll leave you two alone then, see you in a few.” Still standing in the doorframe, she gives Phil a suspicious glance. “And I have sunscreen if you want to borrow some.”

“Thanks.” Phil plasters on his cold closed-mouth smile that Dan remembers all too well from after their breakup. It’s the look Phil would always give him if they ever ran into each other. He despises it. Back then, just one look like that had the ability to cut deep into his chest, to send a shiver down his spine, to cause tears to bubble up in the corners of his eyes.

Elsie shuts the door behind her without saying anything.

Dan leans back on the bed, melting into hysterical laughter. “God.”

“Perfect timing,” Phil says, sounding annoyed. He kneels down to unzip his duffel bag and take out his swim trunks.

Dan’s not sure what to say, Phil was about to make a move on him. His stomach twists, nerves begin to bubble up inside him. _What the hell are they doing?_ Dan doesn’t even really know where they stand at this point. Are they friends? Something more? Are they leading into something more? He doesn’t know and quite honestly, he’s too afraid to ask or bring it up in fear of making things weird between them. He doesn’t want to have misinterpreted Phil’s advances.Always being touchy, always spending time together, a couple of flirty jokes here and there, and quite literally trying to kiss him. They seem pretty obvious to Dan but he still feels uncertain.

“Swimming should be fun. The beach looked nice.” Dan remarks uncomfortably, trying to change the subject.

“Yeah! Don’t know if I’ve ever actually been swimming at a beach here in England.” Phil turns to face the wall and change into his swim trunks.

Dan looks away. “Really?”

“Yeah, I was always scared of the water when I was little and by the time I got over it, my family was going to Florida every summer. And beaches here are nothing compared to Florida beaches.”

“Wow alrighty then. Sorry this isn’t good enough for your… sophisticated tastes.”

Phil turns back around and rolls his eyes, “Trust me, they’re amazing. The water’s so blue and the sand is so fine and–”

“Is it life changing?” Dan raises an eyebrow.

“Sure,” Phil says, laughing. “I guess I’ll just have to take you with me and you can see for yourself.”

“Trip to Florida? Yes, I guess you will.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Dan agrees.

*

Since their rental house is right by the beach, it only takes them about a two minute walk to get there. The scorching heat however, makes it seem quite a bit longer.

It seems as if everyone had the same idea as them, coming to the beach in this kind of weather. There’s all sorts of people, couples, families and friends, sat on the sand or enjoying themselves in the water. After weaving through far too many people, the group finally camps out in a less condensed area of the beach, spreading out their towels and bags and laying down under the bright sun for a little bit of relaxation.

Phil’s already paranoid about burning up and ending up looking like a tomato so he insists that Dan and Elsie help him out with his sunscreen. Elsie seems a bit confused when Phil suddenly has his own bottle of sunscreen after just mentioning that he’d lost his own but doesn’t comment on it. Everyone’s laughing at the sight of Phil being nearly completely covered in sunscreen. After Dan and Elsie have sprayed him head to toe, Phil joins the rest of the group and spreads out on his towel, arms stretched out to feel the sand beneath him. Dan plants himself right beside him.

Avideh connects her phone to her portable speaker and puts on some calm acoustic indie music which suits the mood perfectly. With the heat from the sun beating down, Dan feels the tension in his shoulder loosen, the muscles in his face relax, his eyes shut tightly. He almost feels as if he’s going to melt into the ground and disappear from thin air. It’s completely serene.

That is until, a group of screaming children run past them. It’s inevitable for loud obnoxious children to be at the beach but Dan almost wishes he brought ear plugs. Thrown out of his peaceful relaxation, he turns on his side to face Phil and finds that Phil is already looking his way. He offers a small smile.

“Should we go test out the water?” asks Dan.

Phil gladly agrees, gets to his feet and the two of them make their way to the shore. Maia and Elsie trailing behind them, in conversation with one another.

As they move closer to the water, Dan’s feet begin to press against the wet sand, and before he knows it, his feet are submerged in the cool sea. He agreed to getting into the water but it’s shocking how cold it is, goosebumps rise all over his body, the hair stands up on his arms.

Phil’s quite a few steps in front of him, water already past his knees, he’s eager to get in the water. “C’mon,” he waves a hand at Dan.

“It’s so cold,” he crosses his arms, eyes squinted to avoid the sun’s glare.

“It’s not _that bad._ ”

Elsie comes up behind him and puts a hand on his shoulder. Her fiery hair billows in the seaside breeze. “I believe in you Dan.”

“Thanks,” he says dryly, taking a few steps forward. The cool water is at his calf now.

By the time he reaches Phil, he already knows what’s about to happen. Phil’s crouched down right at the water’s level, his hands are out and splashing Dan with all the force he can muster.

Dan yelps loudly, jumping away to try and avoid it. “God! I knew that was going to happen, I never should’ve trusted you!”

But Phil isn’t listening, he’s too busy laughing, Maia and Elsie are too.

“I hate all of you.”

“Aw, of course you don’t,” Maia kicks water towards him.

“Hey!” He splashes water back at her.

All this back and forth banter eventually leads to a full-out splash fight. They’re all yelling and laughing and Phil falls over into the water, with only results in more laughter. In the end, the four of them are completely soaked from head to toe. Dan figures it’s worth it though, as by the time they’ve settled down, he doesn’t even notice how cold the water is, but simply enjoys how refreshing it is and how relaxing it is to simply float around, looking up at the sky.

Phil swims up beside him. “Enjoying yourself?”

“Extremely.”

“Mind if I join you?”

“Yes. Go away.”

“Mean.” Phil gets on his back and floats beside Dan. After a few seconds, he says, “This is harder than it looks.”

Dan knows Phil and he knows that he’s probably still thinking about the incident with Elsie from earlier. Trying to rid his mind of it. To be fair, Dan is trying to as well but he finds that his mind drifts back to it. He tries to help as best he can. “Just close your eyes, relax.” He follows his own advice, hoping Phil will do the same.

A beat or two passes and it’s quiet between the two of them.The only sounds heard are Elsie and Maia chatting a couple meters away and the distant, indistinct noise of people talking, playing and laughing on the sand. Despite the noise, the cool water with its salty smell and the impossibly bright, warm sun all lull Dan into a feeling of easiness. He feels so at ease that he worries he’s about to fall asleep.

After a good time spent floating, swimming and laughing. Dan, Phil, Maia and Elsie, now with fingers and toes like prunes, all head back to join the rest of the group.

*

The group spends a good three or four hours at the beach and on their way home, they realize it’s nearly time for dinner. So, they decide to stop by the shops to pick up some food to prepare. Unbeknownst to Dan, apparently Ameer has acquired an amazing knack for cooking over the past few years so he gladly offers to prepare dinner. Just so long as everyone offers to help him out, that is. He decides to make a curry with rice, his mother’s own secret recipe. Though it’s not so secret anymore as the group follows Ameer’s lead around the grocery store, picking up rice, chicken, vegetables and the plenty of spices and sauces they’ll need for the curry.

When they get back home it’s straight to cooking, Ameer guiding everyone like he’s the head of a restaurant. Different people are assigned different tasks. Maia works on the veggies, Avideh on the chicken, Phil sets up the table and Ameer oversees the most important part of the dish, the flavouring. Halfway through cooking, Tom cracks open a bottle or two of wine and splits them between all seven of them. This continues throughout the night and although the cooking itself ends up getting sloppier, the meal is anything but a mess,it ends up tasting incredible.Flavour bursts on Dan’s tongue with each bite.

“What the hell Ameer. Why’d you not tell us you were secretly a chef?” Tom asks, though it’s hard to understand as his mouth still filled with food

A smile pricks at the corners of Ameer’s mouth, he shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly. Clearly, he’s not used to being praised so much. “I mean it wasn’t all me.” He looks to Maia, of course.

“Oh shut up, all I did was chop up some onions,” she replies. “Stop being so modest.”

“She’s right. I think my mouth has gone to heaven.” Phil says. Avideh laughs and they all nod in agreement

Despite the endless praise from all of them, Ameer continues to brush it off as nothing. “It’s the least I could do. It’s so nice to be back with you guys, I missed this. Thanks for doing this Elsie.”

“Ameer,” Elsie’s face softens, smiling. “Of course. I mean, it wasn’t just me. Thanks Tom for driving, and Maia for letting us use her family’s car, and you for cooking. And all of you for being here.”

Avideh lifts her glass of wine for a toast. “To us!” Everyone clinks their glasses together. It feels so good to be back with old friends. It feels right.

“I think we need some more wine,” Tom gets up from his chair and goes over to the kitchen. Luckily, they stocked up at the supermarket. He screws off the caps of two bottles and brings them over to the table, pouring some into everyone’s glass.

This, in a way, kicks off the long night of drinking that ensues. When everyone’s finished eating, stomachs filled to the brim, they clear off the table, wash dishes, get out their chips and snacks from their stop at the gas station earlier and gather in the living room. Once they’re all settled in, people start to go back and forth, telling old stories and reminiscing on the things the lot of them got up to as teenagers. There’s far too many of them to tell them all in one night but it’s nice to look back at them and laugh at their stupidity.

Dan melts into the worn leather couch, stretches out his legs and takes another sip of his wine. Phil, of course, is sat right next to him, looking just as comfortable, a what seems to be permanent smile stays on his face for the most of night.

Avideh has just finished telling her story about the time she almost got expelled from school when Maia bursts with excitement, eyes lit up, “Let’s play Never Have I Ever!”

There’s a couple of groans. Dan’s one of them. “I know we were just talking about being sixteen, but we aren’t sixteen anymore.”

“Live a little,” Elsie nudges him, sitting on the other side of him.

“It’ll be fun. C’mon, just drink every time you’ve done something. Simple as that.” Tom insists, he’s sat across the room from Dan, on an equally worn leather armchair, feet propped up on the coffee table in the middle of the room.

He looks at Phil, he too looks slightly uncomfortable with the idea but Dan feels pressured to go with it so he agrees anyway. “Okay, okay, _fine._ ”

“Good!” Maia exclaims. “Okay, um, I guess I’ll start then. Hmm…” It takes her a moment to think of something. “Never have I ever had a threesome.”

Tom hesitates before drinking.

“You wild man!” Avideh points her finger out at him.

Phil too, cautiously takes a sip. Dan’s eyes widen, mouth opening slightly.

“Phil!” Elsie giggles.

“I’m sorry mate but you’re the last person I would’ve expected…” Ameer says.

Phil shrugs, though his face is completely red. “What can I say? You know how uni is…” He’s right, but Dan’s hardly listening to anything else he has to say, just busy trying to shake the image from his mind.

Tom goes next, “Never have I ever kissed someone of the same-sex.”

“Oh _come on_ ,” Avideh rolls her eyes. “That’s not fair when nearly all of us some sort of gay.”

On the car ride over here, they established that Maia and Tom were the only two straight people in the group. They all had a good laugh over it. It’s nice to open up about it. Dan likes knowing that he isn’t alone in that sense, even if he knows he has Phil. Dan remembers coming out to the group as bisexual when he was probably around 15 years old, but back then, no one took things like this seriously. He remembers feeling so isolated, so different. That is until, Phil came clean about himself and well, eventually, that lead into their relationship.

Everyone takes a swig except for Tom. “Even you?” he asks Maia, who tells him something about “living life to the fullest.”

They go around the circle a couple times, inputs ranging from jokey to downright kinky. Dan really wishes he hadn’t said anything about never sleeping with a furry. He now knows more about Ameer than he ever wanted to. He can barely look at him the same way.

“I didn’t know he was one until afterwards!” Ameer argues, everyone is either staring at him with a look of confusion or laughing uncomfortably. Dan is doing both. “It barely counts!”

“Then why’d you drink!?” Dan exclaims.

Ameer says nothing.

They move along to the next person, Phil, quickly. He says something about never having done any hard drugs. Only Elsie and Ameer drink. Both experiences were mostly due to peer pressure though Elsie admits she’d “always wanted to try shrooms.” The rest of them ask a few questions but before they know it, they’re back at Maia again.

“Last round?” She asks, and everyone nods in agreement. Dan can definitely feel the alcohol coursing through him by now. He feels kind of dazed, his movements are slow and his head feels light.

“Alright… Never have I ever had sex with someone in this group.”

Dan’s heart starts to race, he doesn’t want to drink, he doesn’t want people to know, if they don’t already. At least, he doesn’t want them to find out like this.

Avideh and Elsie both drink and they share a clear glance. Dan never would’ve expected something to happen between them but he supposes this is what the game’s all about, revealing everyone’s personal secrets. Dan’s reminded as to why he never wanted to play it in the first place. Reluctantly, Ameer and Maia take sips as well. After Dan’s conversation with Ameer at Elsie’s reunion party, he doesn’t find that surprising. Especially considering how flirty they are with one another at all times of the day.

Dan stares down at his cup. If Elsie or Phil or Ameer, or hell, even Tom –because apparently he seems to know too– are looking at him, he can’t tell.

Tom clears his throat and Dan doesn’t even have time to prepare for what comes out of Tom’s mouth next.

“Never have I ever been in a relationship with someone in this group…”

Dan’s stomach lurches, he feels like he’s going to be sick, he grips his cup. He can feel Phil tense beside him, he doesn’t move an inch. The room goes so quiet, you could hear a pin drop. It’s as if there should be crickets chirping. The silence is what Dan finds most interesting, as if they all already know that there was something between him and Phil. His blood begins to boil. _Was it really that obvious that the two of them were together?_ Or, what Dan thinks to be more likely, _did someone who knew tell the others the truth?_

He and Phil trusted Elsie, they trusted Ameer. If either of them spread the secret around, Dan doesn’t know if he’ll be able to do so much as look them in the eyes without getting angry. All this time, he thought he could rely on them but this is like a slap to the face and suddenly, he can’t stand it anymore.

“You know what,” He speaks up, “Fuck off Tom.”

He looks taken aback, he laughs nervously, the rest of the room is still silent. “Had a bit too much to drink there Dan?”

“No shut up.” Dan gets up and points a finger at Tom, moving his hands to exaggerate everything he says. “You know what you’re playing at. I know what you’re playing at, okay? I get it, you know. I don’t know how you do but, you know.” He briefly makes eye contact with Maia and she gives him a worried, genuinely confused look.

“What are you on about?”

“Oh you _know_ what I’m talking about! Was this some kind of setup? Trying to get me to finally come clean?” Dan’s words get louder and angrier with each new sentence.

“ _Dan_ ,” Phil calls sternly.

“Because somebody told you right? Somebody told all of you.” He looks around the room. Ameer’s eyes are completely wide, Phil looks white as a sheet, he looks terrified as if he wants to melt into the cushions of the couch and disappear. Elsie has her hand over her mouth but Avideh and Maia, seem confused, moreso worried.

“Mate, you sound absolutely ridiculous.” Tom stands to look Dan in the eyes.

“Oh, piss off.” Dan snaps. “I don’t know who it was that told. If it was you Elsie,” he looks to Elsie, her cheeks are pink. “Or you Ameer,” He looks to Ameer, his brow furrowed. “But whichever one of you it was, fuck you. How dare you?”

“Dan, c’mon stop it,” Phil’s voice is quiet but pleading, trying to pull him back to the couch to take a seat.

Dan moves his arm quickly, away from Phil’s grip.

“Neither of us–” Ameer gets to his feet. “Dan, do you really think we would...?”

“What is this? What’s going on? Stop fighting, all of you!” Avideh cries, putting a hand on Tom’s arm.Dan supposes that maybe not everyone does know the truth.

“Dan, we would never,” Elsie puts a hand on his shoulder but he turns away from it.

Despite everyone’s efforts to calm him down, Dan can’t seem to stop the words from exploding out of his mouth. “Then how does Tom know? Huh? Why did he say earlier, to me and Phil, that we’d _need a bedroom more than he would_?” He uses air quotes for that. “Why’d he ask that question?”

“It’s _just a game Dan_.” Tom looks exasperated.

“I get that and it was fun while it lasted but god, stop bringing this all up. It was _years ago._ ” Dan is exasperated. “I get it, you know that Phil and I were in a relationship all throughout the last year of sixth form. You solved the mystery! Congratulations! But fuck off already.” He feels hysterical at this point, his words are sharp and biting but he almost feels like he’s about to break down laughing, or even crying.

“Dan!” Elsie cries.

“What?” Maia exclaims, the last person to stand. Avideh audibly gasps, “Oh my god.”

There’s a whole kerfuffle after Dan drops that bomb, Tom and Dan still arguing back and forth, Maia and Avideh in shock, completely blindsided by that revelation. The two girls can’t stop asking Elsie and Ameer questions but they just look uncomfortable and try their best to give simple one word answers.

Oblivious to everyone, Phil has fled the scene, gone upstairs and no one notices until a door upstairs slams shut. Dan whips his head around and notices that Phil isn’t next to him or behind him anymore.

“Shit,” he mutters. He knew that it was a mistake saying that, he regretted the words the instant they came out of his mouth. He’s still not sure why he said that to be quite honest. A wave of regret washes over him. He feels terrible, he’s being so selfish, this isn’t just about him. This isn’t just his secret to tell. This is about Phil too.

“Michelle told me, alright?” Tom finally admits. “It wasn’t Ameer, it wasn’t Elsie. Don’t take this out on them…” He sighs, “I’m sorry.”

Of course it was fucking Michelle.

“Why the hell did Michelle fucking Thomas know about this and I didn’t?” Avideh asks, offended.

“She caught us kissing, on New Year’s, outside Tom’s house,” Dan admits, his voice calmer now though a bit shaky.

“Holy shit,” Avideh says, turning to Ameer and blabbing to him.

The group continues talking and suddenly, their words aren’t making much sense anymore. Dan feels as if he’s under water and he can only make out their sounds and the beating of his own heart. The guilty feeling buried deep in his chest still sits there and he knows he has to leave, to go see Phil. Quickly, he heads out of the living room and bolts up the stairs. He thinks someone’s calling after him, though it’s hard to tell.

The door to their shared room is closed shut. Dan puts his hand on the doorknob but doesn’t twist it. He feels awful, he doesn’t want to have to face a possibly sad, angry, upset Phil on the other side of the door. He doesn’t knows if any of his apologies will do, if they’ll make anything better.He’s already messed up this friendship once, he’s not sure what he’ll do if he ruins it a second time. It’d crush him completely. Besides, Phil has no reason to forgive him, really. He lashed out completely, Dan has no idea what was going through his head.

Dan knocks once, “Phil?” His voice is cautious, quiet.

A silence passes.

“Phil?” He tries again.

After a second or two there’s a small, “Yes?

Dan opens the door and quickly slips inside, shutting it behind himself.

Phil’s lying on the bed, staring at his phone, aimlessly scrolling through something. Twitter probably.

“Hi,” Dan says meekly, moving to sit down at the edge of the other side of the bed. He looks at Phil, still distracted with his phone.

“Hey,” Phil types something out on his phone. Dan wonders if he’s texting somebody about this whole ordeal, his stomach sinks.

“I’m sorry,” Dan says finally

“It’s alright.”

“No, Phil, it’s not.”

“No, Dan. Seriously, it’s alright.” Phil puts his phone down on the bed and looks Dan straight in the eyes. Phil’s eyes are a generally weird mix of blue and green but now, they just seem cold and grey, they pierce straight through Dan. His voice is curt, his face expressionless. “Please continue to share things with the group on behalf of both of us, okay? I really, _really_ appreciate it.” He goes back to his phone.

“Phil,” Dan’s voice breaks, he can feel tears spring at the corners of his eyes. _God_ , the last thing he wants to do right now is cry in front of Phil. “I didn’t mean to–, I really, I don’t know. I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”

Phil looks straight to Dan, he looks slightly more sympathetic. “Yeah neither do I.”

“Is this the point where I beg for your forgiveness?” Dan asks.

“I dunno,” Phil shrugs, “It might help.”

Dan can’t believe he’s really about to do this but he figures it’ll be worth it once Phil comes around. If he does. Hopefully. He gets on his knees on the carpeted floor and places his hands on the bed, clasping them together. “I’m so sorry Phil. Please forgive me. We already messed things up between us once and I don’t want to ruin it again. I’m so sorry, I was being selfish and stupid, what I did was totally wrong and I will carry this with me for the rest of my life. And I–”

“Okay, okay,” Phil laughs, “Apology accepted, it’s okay, Dan.”

“Really?” Dan looks up at Phil, eyes still a bit wet.

“Yes, of course. I know you were just getting defensive. Hell, you said everything I wanted to say.” Phil lays on his stomach, resting his head against the bed so that he’s level with Dan. It’s quite an awkward position. He places his hand on top of one of Dan’s, probably noticing how glassy his eyes are and says,“It’s okay.”

“Good,” Dan sighs, he takes Phil’s hand into his own. “Sorry for acting out.”

“It’s okay.” Phil takes Dan’s hand into his own and holds on tight.

There’s a beat.

“Tom found out from Michelle, if you were wondering.” Dan gets up from the ground and sits on the bed.

“So it wasn’t Elsie or Ameer? Good, I was so worried.” Phil readjusts himself so that his head is propped against a pillow and legs spread out wide. He takes Dan’s hand again.

“Me too, I don’t know what I’d do if they told.”

“Right? I mean, I guess it’s kind of stupid to be so concerned about this stuff since it was years ago but if they broke our trust, that’s a different story.” Phil looks to Dan. “And it’s not even as if I’m worried about their reactions or opinions. Frankly I don’t care.”

“Yeah, when we were all talking about being gay on the ride over, you were so open.” Dan says. “It was kind of weird if I’m honest, you used to be so… I don’t know…”

“Paranoid?” Phil offers with a grin.

“Yeah, paranoid I guess. But you had all the right to be.”

“I guess so but, it’s not even as if my parents were homophobic or that many people we knew were homophobic.” Phil’s brow furrows. “I mean look at our group, only 2 people of 7 are straight. But, I was just so preoccupied with my own mind and my own worries, I couldn’t imagine letting people in on something that I considered to be my deepest, darkest, secret. And I guess a part of me has held onto that. I guess that’s why you got so defensive.” Phil pauses, sighs, grips Dan’s hand tightly. “Luckily, for the most part, I don’t care much about what people think nowadays.”

“Good. That’s so good to hear.” Dan gives him a warm smile. “And so good to see too. I can tell you’re more confident and comfortable in your own skin now.” It’s the truth, Dan can see it when he talks to their friends, how much more at ease Phil seems. He can see it when they spend time together, how Phil isn’t afraid to be touchy or playful. He can see it in the way he carries himself, with his head high, cheery attitude and a permasmile.

“Really?” Phil asks in disbelief.

“Yeah, I mean, you’d barely let me touch you in public before.”

“Oh god, yeah, I did do that didn’t I?” Phil snorts.

“Yup, 17-year-old me thought it was super annoying, by the way.”

“Did he? Sorry.”

“It’s alright, I’m sure you’ll find a way to make it up to him.” Dan turns towards Phil slightly, squeezes their clasped hands together.

“Oh, will I now?” Phil asks curiously, turning over to his side so he can look Dan straight on.

“Mhm,” Dan hums, his eyes gaze towards their hands, still intertwined, Dan appreciates the comfort it brings. He loves the comfort Phil brings him. His eyes glance to Phil’s lips, so close, if he just leaned his head in, he could easily press his own against Phil’s. Everything in him is telling him to. Dan’s not sure if it’s the alcohol in him or if it’s Phil that pushes him to make a move. But with Phil’s soothing motion of rubbing his thumb back and forth against his hand, his warmth and his head inclined to Dan, it feels as if Phil’s inviting him to.

He moves in slowly and gently presses his lips against Phil’s. He goes rigid at first and Dan begins to worry, he’s about to back off when Phil brings his hand up to Dan’s jaw to deepen the kiss. They melt into each other, kissing hungrily, desperately, open mouthed, Dan moves to straddle Phil’s hips. It’s if all the tension built up over the past three months of their rebuilding has finally tipped them over the edge, caused a spark to go off.

Phil makes a contented noise against Dan and so he continues to kiss Phil, on his lips, his jaw, his neck. He seems to enjoy it, keeping his hands on Dan’s waist, gripping tightly as if to steady himself. Dan relaxes into it too, relishing in the soft kisses that Phil gives and the small touches he makes against his hips, his shoulders, his neck. It’s as if they’ve surrendered themselves to one another.

After a couple minutes of this back and forth, it finally comes to an end. Phil puts a hand on Dan’s chest. “Dan, Dan. Wait. Stop.” He breathes heavily, trying to catch his breath.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. Just, uh, let’s think about this, okay? Let’s take it slow.” There’s an uncertainty in Phil’s voice.

It’s not exactly the response that Dan was hoping to hear, to what he would consider to be a quality makeout session but Phil does have a point. He doesn’t want them to rush into a relationship only to see it crash and burn. He doesn’t want toruin things between them, again.

“Yeah, yeah, uh, of course.’ Dan climbs off of Phil and returns to his side of the bed, his head relaxing against the pillow.

“What time is it?” Phil asks.

Dan looks over to the alarm clock on the bedside table beside him, it reads 11:30.

“Only? It feels so much later _god,_ ” Phil yawns, standing up to shuffle out of his jeans. “I’m exhausted.”

“Me too,” Dan yawns back to Phil. He stands to take off his shorts and t-shirt. He turns off the light and climbs back into bed, tucking himself into the comfy duvet. The two of them turn in towards each other. The quiet air hangs between them and Dan worries he’s made things weird between them. Though, he supposes that Phil did gladly return his kissing so he couldn’t have made things too awkward. Could he?

“Well, despite everything, today was good. Thanks Dan.” Phil brushes his hand against Dan’s.

“Of course.” Dan feels his heart flip and he worries that he’s falling in too deep. “Goodnight Phil.” He’s smiling though he knows it can’t be seen.

The two of them, laid side by side, are fast asleep within minutes.

**AUGUST 2009**

Until now, Dan never thought realized how uncomfortable it would be to have dinner with both his and Phil’s families together. Their parents are friends and have known each other for years thanks to their sons being friends. But sitting here right now, at a nice restaurant with a fancy cloth napkin in his lap, Dan would rather be in sitting in class.

It’s nice that their parents wanted to celebrate their success but _God,_ their small talk is dry and all they want to talk about is school and university and their futures and what the two of them are going to be studying for the next three years. Dan’s sick of it all, his ears are practically numb to people asking him questions about university by this point, he’s heard them all a million times over.

At this point, Dan honestly isn’t even sure if he wants to go to university. He does want to go _eventually_ but, as he’s still unsure of what he _really_ wants to do. He’s been toying with the idea for the past few months but he thinks it’d be nice to take a gap year to work a bit, earn some money and test the waters. Unfortunately, he still hasn’t told all this to his parents. Nor to Phil. He isn’t sure how either of them will react.

He talks to Phil but, keeps getting interrupted by questions from Phil’s parents.

“So, Dan, do you know what offer you’re going to accept?”

“Not yet, no.” He admits.

“Well you know,” Dan’s dad begins and he already knows where this is going. His parents are going to inevitably brag about his accomplishments and Phil’s parents are going to brag about his. And they’re both going to want to crawl under the table and hide from the embarrassment.“Dan got an unconditional offer from Manchester.”

He appreciates the fact that they’re proud but with his feelings of uncertainty towards university at the moment, it’s the last thing Dan wants to hear.

“Wow, good work Daniel.” Phil’s mum nods. “Well, you know, Phil got an unconditional offer from York.”

“Impressive, Phil.” says Dan’s mum with a smile, about to share something when Dan speaks up.

“ _Mum_ , stop.” The collar of his button up shirt suddenly feels much too tight.

“What? I’m proud of you Dan, you deserve praise.”

Dan isn’t trying to start a scene but he can barely stop the words from coming out of his mouth, “Not if I don’t want to go to uni, I don’t.”

Her face hardens, “What do you mean?” His dad rolls his eyes.

“I want to take a gap year.”

His parents look at one another with confusion, apprehension. Unsure of how to respond to Dan.

“Let’s talk about this later alright?” She puts on a forced smile, looking between him and the Lesters nervously. He loves his mum but he really hates this, he hates how she’s acting, trying to keep up the reputation of a perfect wife and mother with perfect children. She tries to keep up this act with all their friends and family but, Dan can so easily see through it. He’s done with this, these conversations, this uncomfortable dinner, all he wants is some time alone with Phil.

“Excuse me,” he gets up from his seat.

“Dan, sit down.” His Dad says sternly.

“I’m going to the bathroom,” he mutters before heading off in the direction of the restaurant’s front doors, not the bathroom.

As he steps outside, he breathes in the cool night air. It’s so much nicer than being in that stuffy restaurant. There’s a bench right outside so he takes a seat. He unbuttons the top button of his shirt, sits back, closes his eyes and lets the August heat envelop him.

Not to long after, he hears the restaurant door swing open and slam shut. He nearly jumps, eyes wide open. He’s half expecting it to be his Dad, angry and ready to give him a stern lecture but it’s only Phil.

“What the hell was that?” Phil doesn’t look very happy, his arms are crossed.

“I don’t have an answer for you.” Dan shrugs.

“You’re being ridiculous Dan! What do you mean you want to take a gap year?” The words sting, out of everyone he was planning to tell about his plan, he thought that Phil would have been the most supportive. He always has been, of everything Dan has wanted to do.

“I just don’t feel ready to go to uni yet.” He clasps his hands together, fiddling with his fingers and keeping his head down so that he doesn’t have to look Phil in the eyes.

“Dan, you got an unconditional offer for Manchester, you got into all the schools that you applied for! I mean…” Phil laughs nervously, breathily. “What’s your thinking here?”

Dan hesitates at first, he usually doesn’t worry about sharing things with Phil, but his adverse reaction has made him more cautious. “I was thinking I could work, save up some money. Mostly, I just wanna figure out what the hell I really want to do with my life.”

“And you can do that at uni…”

“Yeah but I don’t want to go into a course I don’t like.”

“You can always switch courses, Dan.”

“I want to be sure, Phil.”Dan finally looks him the eyes, voice strained, pleading.

“Nothing in life is certain,” Phil shrugs.

“Aw, gee, _thanks Phil_ , I wasn’t aware that you were a motivational quote.”

“Dan, c’mon.”

“What’s this about, Phil? Our relationship? Because I thought you’d be supportive of this.” He feels naive in thinking that they’d always see eye to eye on things, that things would always be peachy between them.

“Dan… I–.”

“What?”

“I just want what’s best for you,” Phil finally sits down next to him. But not too close, of course.

“ _God,_ you sound just like my parents.” Dan says, exasperated, his voice is shaking and he’s on the verge of crying. Phil’s words feel like betrayal, like a slap in the face, like a punch in the gut. Dan can’t believe he’s acting like this. He feels as though he’s in some sort of strange nightmare or a parallel universe.

“I’m sorry.” Phil sighs. I just don’t understand, you had this whole plan and now you’re just throwing it all away...?”

“Well, plans change Phil.” Dan says coldly as he gets to his feet. He can’t stand to be here any longer. He can’t stand the sight of Phil anymore.

Phil stays quiet, and Dan starts to walk away, in the direction of his house.

“Where’re you going?” Phil calls behind him, standing up, ready to follow after Dan.

“I’m going home!” Dan yells, he can already feel his eyes start to water as he heads off into the night.

**  
AUGUST 2012**

When Dan wakes up the next morning, the other half of the bed is left empty and cold. His mind begins to panic, he feels that he’s for sure ruined everything between him and Phil. In fact, Phil’s probably packed his bags and left the Weymouth already, on a bus back home, far far away from Dan.

Dan rolls over to face the alarm clock, it reads 8:42. No one else will be up at this hour, he’s sure they all stayed up for hours drinking and laughing after Dan and Phil’s disappearance from the group. They’ll undoubtedly be in bed until 11 or 12. Dan decides he’d better go find Phil.

Getting up from bed, he throws on some sweatpants and a sweatshirt and goes to freshen up in the bathroom. Padding downstairs, Dan can hear some noises coming from the kitchen, the clinking of glasses and plates.

“Hey, mornin’.” Elsie greets him as he enters the kitchen, she’s putting away dishes from the dishwasher.

“Morning. How are you not asleep?”

“Eh, I went up to bed not long after you two disappeared last night. Plus, I’m a rare morning person.”

“ _How?_ ”

Elsie simply shrugs. “Setting a routine, I dunno, being a self-employed artist helps.”

Dan chuckles softly. There’s a silence between them. “I’m sorry about last night, by the way. That was totally uncalled for, it was so rude of me.” He places his hands on the kitchen counter.

“It’s okay Dan, don’t worry about it. I would’ve reacted the same way honestly.” She takes a sip from her mug.

“...D’you know where Phil is?”

“He ran off.” Elsie jokes. “Left pretty quickly, seemed kind of upset. Out of it, at least. He said he was going to the beach though.”

Upset? Out of it? Dan’s heart begins to pound, he’s totally screwed things up between them hasn’t he? All these months of rebuilding their friendship was for nothing. He’s ruined all their efforts.

“Alright, I-I’m gonna go find him.” He trips over his words.

“Want any coffee? I just made a pot.”

“I’ll get some later, thanks.”

She offers him a smile.

He’s heading towards the door when Elsie speaks up, “Dan.”

He turns around, “Yeah?”

“Please work things out. I don’t think if I’d be able to handle the two of you upset over each other. Again.”

Dan smiles weakly, “I’ll try my best.” He heads out the door.

*

The sky is bright, but grey, with the sun off hiding, nowhere to be seen. It’s not an ideal beach day and there doesn’t seem to be much of anyone out, at least not at this hour. Sand crunches beneath Dan’s feet with every step he takes, waves crash then fade against the shore. As they always do, in and out.

In and out, Dan releases a deep breath. He lets his hands rest by his sides. Wind brushes past, prickling the hairs at the back of his neck, he tugs the sleeves of his sweatshirt, crosses his arms, trying to find warmth. Dan’s mind feels empty though he knows he’s just restricting himself from going off on a wild path. Keeping himself back from falling off a cliff and into unwanted thoughts.

He knows he’s messed up. That much is simple. That much he knows. Though, none of it was at all his intention, that he hopes is clear to Phil. He wanted to take this slow, they both do, they agreed to and yet, here he is, stuck in the aftermath of an uncomfortable, uncertain tension between them that was finally brought to the surface. Dan was just trying to figure things out, he was hoping to, at the very least.

Clouds drift by, joining the sky in creating a dull monochromatic view. Off in the distance, he spots Phil sat on the ground, knees up to his chest. Usually seeing Phil would bring him comfort but right now, it strikes him with fear, he feels terrified knowing he’s going to have to face him.

“Hey,” Dan approaches gently, his voice soft, not sitting next to or making eye contact with Phil but rather staying by his side.

“Hey.” Phil replies.

Dan’s not not really sure what else there is to say. “I’m sorry,” is what he settles on. He takes a seat next to Phil.

“About what?” Phil turns to look at him.

Dan sighs, exasperated, though his heart is still pounding heavily. “Phil, you know–.”

“Dan I’m not mad, I’m not upset. I just wanted time to think over things. I don’t know if I’m ready for this…. Again. Besides, you were drunk, Dan.”

“We both were.” Dan argues.

“Yeah, and we were both upset after what happened last night, we both wanted to feel… I don’t know, comforted… I just, I don’t know if either of us were really serious about it.”

 _I was_ , Dan thinks. Even through his drunken haze, Dan knows that he meant to kiss Phil. He wanted to, he wanted to convey his feelings to Phil. He wanted that to take things somewhere, to move their relationship forward. It’s slightly irrational but Dan’s coming to realize that he wants this, he wants to continue where they left off three years ago.

“Right, okay.” Dan says curtly. “Sorry I thought– I guess I read the signs wrong.” He keeps his head bowed, staring at the sand, feeling it underneath his fingertips.

“It’s okay.” Phil responds. “I just, I can’t do this Dan. Sorry.”

“No it’s totally fine, don’t worry about it. It was really sudden I mean I don’t blame you, sorry, it was stupid of me to–.” Dan’s speaks faster and faster to compensate for the thoughts racing through his head.

“Dan, no. It’s fine, really. I just don’t think this is good for us. You know?”

“Yeah, you’re right.” Dan tries to drown out his thoughts with the sounds of the waves crashing against the shore. He’s really ruined things, hasn’t he? Phil isn’t going to want to speak to him ever again. Their relationship is going to turn into an awkward state of mutual politeness rather than a real, true friendship or a deep, meaningful relationship.

“I just don’t want to lose a friend like you, Dan, not again.” Phil gazes at him sincerely and he has to agree because Phil is right. Neither does he.

“Of course.” Dan nods, though he feels frozen in place. A gust of wind blows by them, ruffling through their hair, and causing it to stand on end. It’s colder than he expected.

They watch the sea together, despite the tension present between them, they find some sort of solace in it. In the constant soft noises of the water and the movement of the sea. After sitting in silence for what feels like a good ten minutes, Phil finally suggests that they head back to the house and find something to eat. Not particularly enjoying the cold weather, Dan agrees and they both set on their way.

The rest of the day passes as normal. After breakfast, the group takes a walk around town, checking out the shops and cafes that the town has to offer. There’s still constant laughter and joking back and forth between the two of them, as well as the rest of their friend group. Though Dan can’t deny that something feels off. Maybe it’s that he feels slightly out of it, as if he’s just floating through conversations and not making a conscious effort. Maybe Phil feels the same way too. Or maybe, he really just has ruined things for good.

The car ride back the next day is as fun as the ride over here was. They leave early in the afternoon so they can arrive home before dark, and Dan’s thankful he doesn’t have to wake up so early again. Phil’s asleep for most of the ride so he spends his time mostly talking to Elsie, Ameer and Maia. It’s a nice way to get his mind off the constant worry that he still feels. He still feels as though Phil hates his guts for all that happened. Even if Phil hasn’t done anything outright that would come off as such.

When Tom finally pulls up in front of his house, Dan puts his hand on Phil’s shoulder to say goodbye as he’s climbing out of the car.

“Text me when you get back.” Dan says quietly, he’s not even sure if Phil will hear him.

Phil nods, still looking a bit sleepy after only having just woken up.

Dan says his goodbyes to everyone and promises to keep up with everyone through their newly-formed group chat. He grabs his duffel bag from the trunk and makes his way up the stairs to his house. He waves goodbye at the car as it drives away, Avideh waving back at him vigorously. Tom honks the horn. He smiles to himself and heads inside.

Once inside, his mum gives him a hug and has a slew of questions for him. He talks to her for awhile and gushes over how much he loved the small town of Weymouth before retreating back to his room. Relaxing into his bed, Dan pulls out his laptop and starts to aimlessly watch episodes of an old favourite TV show.

It isn’t until later that night that, after he’s gotten through the entirety of its first season that Dan realizes, Phil never texted him. His stomach drops. He’s too busy thinking to sleep that night.

**AUGUST 2009**

Dan supposes that, when he started his relationship with Phil, so many months ago, there was always a reminder in the back of his head that someday it would end. It’s rare at this age to have a relationship that lasts more than a couple months. At this age, he never expected to be in a relationship that lasted as long as his did with Phil. It was hard, having to deal with the secrecy and the snide comments from others but, Dan’s probably had some of the best times of his life in this relationship. He’s had the best times of his life simply growing up with Phil. He couldn’t ask for a better best friend, a better boyfriend.

So as he sits there, on the bench on the hill in Phil’s backyard, he realizes that he never thought about how hard the words _I think we should break up,_ would hit him. He and Phil hadn’t spoken for about a week before Phil texted him today, telling him that they needed to talk. He knew it was coming, with the argument they’d had and them about to go off to university and a text like that.

But he’s had no time to prepare himself, and when Phil tells him he thinks they should end things, Dan just starts to cry. Quietly, tears stream down his face as he mumbles, “Okay.”

“I’m sorry,” Phil says, his eyes looking tearful, he places his hand on top of Dan’s.

“It’s okay,” Dan breathes out shakily.

“You understand, though, right?”

Dan nods, because he does. He understands completely, it makes total sense. Long distance is hard. There’s no way they’d be able to continue the relationship with Phil at York and Dan still here in Stroud. Rationalizing it doesn’t make it hurt any less though.

“I didn’t want to do this.” Phil says, a tear slips down his face.

 _You don’t have to_ , Dan thinks because this hurts, it’s a weird, all encompassing pain. His chest feels tight, heavy, it’s hard to breathe. It’s almost as if he’s winded. This is worse than a punch to the face.

“But you’re right. We should. We should do this.” Dan comes off a overly confident. He huffs. “I mean, there’s no point in continuing this when we’re going to be in two different places, right?”

“...Yeah, right.” Phil nods, using one of his shaky hands to wipe at his face.

“Right,” Dan can’t stand look at him, instead fixing his gaze on the view in front of him. Phil’s neighbours’ backyards, their houses, the trees. “So this is goodbye then, this is the end? After all these years.” He asks, as if he’s trying to convince himself that none of what he’s saying is true.

“No, no.” Phil says quickly. “It doesn’t have to be. We can still keep in touch. We can still be friends.” His voice wavers, as if while saying them, he knows that none of what he’s saying will happen, because truth be told it is unlikely. They probably won’t keep in touch, probably won’t speak much ever again. And it hurts knowing that after so many years, from childhood to near adulthood, all that will have been for nothing. None of what they once had will continue.

“Friends, right, of course. Friends. We’ve always been friends.” It isn’t necessarily false but the two of them know that they’ve both always been more than _just_ friends _._ They’ve always been best friends or boyfriends. Not.. friends. This breakup is more than just the ending of their relationship, it’s the ending of a lifelong friendship.

Dan feels the need to leave, run away before he starts crying too much, before he starts sobbing and embarrases himself. He gets to his feet quickly and almost falls over. “I’d better go.”

“You don’t have to,” Phil sits with his eyes rimmed red and his shoulders hunched, closed off, making him seem smaller.

“I should still…” Dan trails off, wanting to do nothing more than get away from Phil.

“Yeah, okay,” Phil agrees, playing with his shaking hands, trying to settle himself down.

“Goodbye Phil.” He’s unsure of what to do, of whether or not he should try to hug Phil or simply let him be. He decides to rest his hand on Phil’s shoulder, only for a moment.

“Goodbye,” Phil’s voice breaks, he catches onto Dan’s hand as he’s pulling it away. He holds it gingerly for a few seconds before Dan brings his arm back by his side.

They give each other one last look, Dan hopes that in that moment, he can convey all that he’s ever wanted to say to Phil but wasn’t able to. He hopes that Phil knows how much he appreciates him and appreciates their time together. It’s not until then that he realizes how much of an impact Phil really has had on him. So many parts of himself, his personality, his behaviour, are parts of himself because of Phil and all their years spent together. Dan wouldn’t be the same person without him.

Dan wants to stay there, to put his arms around Phil and _stay._ But he can’t, he knows that those days are no longer. So, he heads off, racing down the stairs on the hill in Phil’s backyard and running back home.

**AUGUST 2012**

Dan doesn’t see Phil for a week after the roadtrip. He considers sending him a message, asking him to hang out but after not getting a text from Phil when they got back, he can’t help but feel as though he’s messed absolutely everything up between them. He doesn’t even know if there’s a point in reaching out, his mind fills with doubts about whether or not Phil would respond.

He continues to go into work on a daily basis and complains to Ashley who reassures him that everything will be okay and that Phil “needs to come around in his own time.” But he wants that time to be sooner, he wants it to be now. Though, he figures that work serves as a nice distraction. It’s an unusually quiet day today and so Dan finds plenty of time to talk to Ashley, which he always enjoys.

He’d explained everything that had happened on the road trip to her earlier this week and tries to play it off as if he’s over it now. The truth is, that night keeps replaying in his head, the drinking game, their argument and him making the first move. It’s on a constant loop and he wishes it would finally come to a pause. Dan wishes he could take back what he did, he wishes he never had kissed Phil. It was stupid of him to assume that he’d reciprocate his feelings.

Ashley can tell Dan’s still upset by the way he mopes around preparing coffee and cappuccinos and lattes and whatever else people are craving that day.“I hate seeing you like this,” she turns around to face him after handing over change to a customer.

“Sorry, here.” He stops, puts on a big, toothy smile. “Better?”

“Dan,” she frowns.

“I know, I’m being ridiculous but, I don’t know… I miss him. I’m worried.”

“Aw come here,” Ashley wraps him in a hug. “If he’s really worth all this fuss, he’ll come around too. And if he doesn’t, then you dump him and get someone new.”

“This isn’t like him though, Ashley.” He pulls away from her hug, crossing his arms. “He’s usually the one initiating our texts and I’m the one who forgets to reply for 5 hours.”

“Oh, I’m aware,” she says dryly. Undoubtedly remembering the time when Dan didn’t respond to whether or not he could cover her morning opening shift until _the_ morning of. He gave her nearly half of the brownies he’d made for the cafe as an apology. “But try not to worry about it too much love, alright?” Ashley places a hand on his arm, a sad smile spreading across her face.

“Okay,” Dan replies and before he knows it, Ashley is whisked away by a customer at the till. He busies himself with preparing sandwiches that’ll inevitably get eaten up by the lunch crowd until he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. It catches him off guard, he sets down the slices of bread he’s holding and pulls out his phone.

It’s Phil. Finally. His heart jumps, his stomach flips. Whether that be out of excitement or nervousness, he can’t tell. Mostly, he’s just glad that Phil’s decided to not ghost him completely.

**Phil:** _Are you working at Deja Brew today?_

“Ashley,” he says, unsure really of what to do. How to respond, how to react.

“One second,” she’s topping off a drink with whip cream before handing it over to a customer. “What’s up?”

“It’s Phil.”

“Elaborate?” She asks, confused.

“He texted me just now I– I don’t know what to do.” She comes over to look at the message on his screen. “Should I say yes?”

“Yes.” Ashley says firmly.

“But I thought you said I should wait until he comes around…”

“And he is, he’s reaching out. Dan, yes, tell him to come. I’ll make him a coffee.” She moves over to the machine to start a new brew. “What does he like? Medium? Light? Dark?”

“Uh, I’ll ask… ” Dan begins to type up a reply, trying to seem as friendly as possible.

**Dan:** _yeah :) come in for a coffee! your choices are: medium, light or dark!_

Phil’s reply is almost instantaneous

**Phil:** _Ooh ok medium it is. See you soon._

“Medium,” Dan repeats.

“So he’s coming?”

“Yes…” Dan pauses, “Oh god.”

“Don’t worry. You’ll be fine. You have me for moral support, if it goes absolutely terribly. I have a very comfortable shoulder to cry on and the back room probably has about 30 boxes of tissues so, you’re all set.” Ashley says, emptying the medium beans into the coffee machine.

“Lovely,” Dan grimaces before slipping his phone back into his pocket, he can’t be bothered to send another message. He’s too nervous thinking about what’s going to happen when Phil arrives. Are things going to be uncomfortable? Or will they return back to normal? Will it be as though nothing ever happened? Will it be water under the bridge? Dan hates to imagine the conversation they’d have about what happened. The thought alone makes him anxious but in all honesty, he thinks it’s probably best for it to happen so they can resolve things between them.

Dan’s too busy thinking that he doesn’t even hear the bells chime when the front door opens. He looks up and, sure enough, there’s Phil, hair not a strand out of place, sporting glasses and a comfy looking jumper. The weather really is cooler with it being the end of August. He strides up to the cash and gives a meek, “Hey.”

“Hey,” Dan replies. He can nearly hear his heartbeat in his ears. His palms are clammy as Ashley hands him Phil’s coffee. Dan holds it out to Phil.

“Here’s your coffee.”

Phil takes it, smiling weakly, “Thanks.” Retrieving a five pound note out of his pocket, he places it on the counter.

“Don’t worry about it,” Ashley pops up from behind Dan. “It’s on the house.”

“No, c’mon,” Phil insists.

“Seriously, please, it’s fine, it took me about 30 seconds to make anyway.”

Phil puts the note in the tip jar nonetheless.

After a rather uncomfortable silence between the three of them, Ashley turns to Dan and grabs his arm, walking him around to the other side of the counter. “Now Dan, why don’t you take your break now and spend some time with Phil.” She looks between the two of them, they both seem confused.

“Ash–.”

“No, I’m good, okay? Have a good time. Enjoy.” Ashley waves them off before returning behind the counter.

Dan laughs, nervously, he starts to walk towards a more secluded seating area near the back of the cafe. It’s a small bench nook with a table for them both to sit at.“Sorry about that.”

“No, no, it’s alright.” Phil stays quiet until they’re both sat down and then, he takes a sip of his coffee and takes a deep breath. “Actually,” He turns to face Dan. “I wanted to talk to you alone anyway.”

“Okay?” Dan asks, fiddling with his fingers and trying to keep his voice level, even with the panic and fear that has seized his body. He has no way of predicting what’s going to come next. Is Phil going to start talking about the incident on the road trip? Is he going to tell Dan off for what he did? Has he finally decided he never wants to talk to Dan again? Probably so, Dan thinks.

“Well… I got a job!” Phil says.

“Phil, what the hell?” Dan nudges his arm. “Congrats, that’s amazing.” He knows Phil’s been looking for one the whole summer, wanting to have something to finally do with his life and put his degree towards. He is honestly happy for him but it’s not at all what Dan was expecting, the weight on his chest lightens slightly.

“Thanks,” He smiles, drinks some more of his coffee.

“Whereabouts?” Dan asks.

“Well, I applied all over England, I’m not picky but funnily enough actually…” He pauses,”It’s in Manchester.”

“Oh.” Dan’s voice wavers. “Really?”

Phil? In Manchester? At the same time as him? It’s weird to think about. If this had been a couple weeks earlier, he’d be absolutely ecstatic about the news but right now, Dan isn’t quite sure how he feels.

“Yeah, at a publishing company. I’d never heard of it but it sounds right up my alley, it pays well and Manchester seems cool so... I’m excited.” Phil is beaming.

“Yeah, it’s great. You’ll love it.” Dan thinks of the bustling but relatively calm city, its old, historical architecture mixed in with the new, towering office buildings. He loves it there. He loves blending in with the crowds, he loves people watching. Sure, he has some bad memories from uni, and sure, maybe his friends there aren’t incredible but the city itself, is a whole other story. He loves just being there, walking the streets. Never, when he started university there, did he ever imagine that Phil would eventually end up there too.

“That’s such a weird coincidence,” Dan continues.

“Right?” Phil’s eyes are wide. “That’ll be so weird, you and me, in the same city again. Exciting but, weird.”

“Weird, for sure.” Dan repeats and the ease that existed between them, is somehow broken and something feels off in the air. Neither of them say a word for what feels like an hour but it probably only a minute or so.

Phil takes another sip of coffee, Dan thinks he can see his hands shaking ever so slightly around the cup.

“I wasn’t sure how to bring this up...” He starts, staring down at the table. “But I’m so sorry Dan.”

“What for?” Now this, is what Dan was expecting, this is what he had been waiting for.

“You know what. For how I acted the other weekend, on the road trip. I was just so worried but I’m sorry if I hurt you. Pushing you away like that, it was so, so wrong of me.” Phil’s voice quivers, it’s lost all the excitement and confidence it had moments ago. It’s as if he’s regressed into his old self.

“Oh,” is all Dan can manage to say. Worry spreads within him from head to toe, he feels paralyzed.

“It was so wrong of me because I can’t keep lying to myself. Sure things went wrong in the past but that doesn’t mean they will now. That doesn’t mean we can’t start something now. And I can’t keep telling myself that there’s nothing going on between us because there is.” Phil says firmly, as if he’s partially trying to convince himself that his words hold truth.

Dan nods, feeling overwhelmed and unable to think of something cohesive and meaningful to say.

“I think we both know that.”

“Yes,” Dan nods, smiles, looks Phil straight in the eyes, he smiles back. Dan feels so much lighter knowing that they both feel the same, knowing that they’re on the same page. It brings an indescribable amount of reassurance.

He lifts his head to look at Dan, he shakes his head. “As stupid and cheesy as it sounds, I can’t keep denying my feelings anymore.”

Dan places his hand on top of where Phil’s rests, at the edge of the table. “And neither can I… It’s just– I want to spend every day with you Phil.”

Phil interlocks Dan’s hand with his own, his voice is low, warm, “I’d like that.”

“Yeah?” Dan asks, his head feeling dizzy, this is all he’s wanted but he still feels slightly overwhelmed by Phil’s honesty.

“Yeah. Definitely…” Phil takes a deep breath, waits. “Can I kiss you? I mean, properly.”

Dan can’t help but let out a laugh, “Yes.” Happiness feels as though it’s bursting from his chest. With all the excitement contained within himself, he wants to run outside the cafe, onto the street and scream out at the top of his lungs in celebration. He doesn’t though, of course, instead he stays seated and calms his breathing as his eyes flicker to Phil’s.

Phil brings his other hand to Dan’s chin and guides his face towards him. Dan’s chest feels fuzzy, as if it’s about is about to explode. It’s exhilarating, finally having Phil this close to him again after all this time. As much as he’s tried to push down the feelings, this is all he wants. Their lips connect, kissing softly before Dan breaks out into a smile, he pulls away. “I’m sorry,” He starts to giggle.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m just so happy.” Dan’s face is surely bright red by now.

“Yeah? Me too.” Phil puts his arms around Dan.

Dan rests his head in the crook of Phil’s shoulder. The embrace is so warm, like returning home after weeks away. They stay there, in each other’s arms for what seems like hours, simply enjoying one another’s comfort. It almost feels surreal, as if he’s been transported back in time. Relishing in Phil’s hug, Dan breathes out a sigh of relief, after so much worry, he finally feels at peace.

**SEPTEMBER 2012**

In the last weeks of summer and beginnings of September, Dan goes back to Manchester on a quick apartment hunt with a couple of his friends from university. Somehow, they manage to snag something that is both big enough for the three of them and in nearly perfect condition. It seems too good to be true. Classes for Dan’s final year start next week and with signing lease agreements and unpacking his stuff into the new flat, he’s feeling pretty stressed out.

However, today is a good day. Today, Phil moves to Manchester for his new job as a “Creative Director” for some publishing company Dan’s never seen or heard of. It’s been about two weeks since he saw Phil. For the start of a new relationship, it hasn’t been the easiest thing to deal with but the excitement of seeing Phil again is what really keeps Dan going.

Phil’s been in town since the morning, texting Dan nonstop but it’s not until the afternoon that Dan actually makes the trip over to Phil’s apartment, only about 10 minute walk away from his own. He’s a little later than expected, having bought a bouquet of flowers on the way and a little housewarming gift. Phil buzzes him up with a quick _hey_ and the man at the front desk makes a comment about how Dan’s ‘girlfriend’ must be a ‘lucky lady.’

He gives an uncomfortable smile, wanting to melt into the ground and disappear completely.Luckily, before Dan knows it, he’s riding the elevator up to the 15th floor. Walking down the hall to his door, 1507, a giddy feeling of nervousness and excitement bubbles in his stomach. Dan hesitates slightly before knocking on Phil’s door. A moment later, the door swings open. 

Phil stands in the doorway, wearing an old t-shirt, hair slightly disheveled and looking tired. “Hey,” is all he can say before Dan has his arms wrapped around him, holding tight. It’s slightly awkward considered the bouquet of flowers and the gift bag in either of his hands but neither of them seem to mind, both just happy to be reunited.

Dan breathes a sigh of relief, “I missed you so much.”

“Me too,” Phil kisses Dan’s cheek. “Two weeks is too long, how did we do three years?”

“No idea. We were idiots.” Dan pulls back from the hug, steps inside and closes the door behind him.

“Still are.”

“True. Here you go, idiot.” Dan holds out the bouquet, an assortment of different coloured roses.

“Aw, Dan. You didn’t have to,” Phil’s expression softens, he runs his fingers over the petals.

“Um yes of course I did. How else will I win boyfriend of the year?”

“You’re right.” Phil starts to move towards what seems to be the living room. Though it’s hard to tell with so many boxes and half constructed furniture everywhere. “Come, let’s sit, I’m so tired.”

Dan slips off his shoes and follows behind Phil, who’s already flopped on the couch, the only piece of fully functioning furniture there besides a TV stand and a table with a set of chairs.

“Wait, don’t fall asleep just yet. There’s more.” Dan holds out the gift bag, blue and sparkly.

“ _Dan._ ” Phil takes the bag but gives him a look. He’s just being humble but Dan knows that, secretly, he loves this, being pampered, getting little gifts.

“Just open it.”

“Alright, alright,” Phil tears out the tissue paper to reveal a few DVDs of some of their favourite movies. The two Kill-Bills, ET, Wall-E, The Shining and Moulin Rouge. He holds up the copy of Moulin Rouge, inevitably thinking back to their movie night in the park only a few months ago. “Now we can finally finish rewatching it.”

“Exactly,” Dan is once again thankful for the fact that he and Phil are nearly always on the same wavelength.

Phil puts all the DVDs back in the gift bag, save for Moulin Rouge, which they will inevitably end up watching sometime tonight. He places the bag on the ground and turns to give Dan a hug, which is gladly returned. “Thank you, I love you.”

Dan’s heart flips, it’s the first either of them have said in properly in their newfound relationship. It’s scary and he isn’t quite sure how to react at first, but he feels warm and fuzzy all the same.“Oh,” a smile creeps onto his face, he lets out a breath, “Love you too.”

“Glad that we established that,” Phil jokes, moving to kiss Dan on the cheek.

“Yes,” Dan agrees, cupping Phil’s cheek and bringing his face towards his own to give him a quick peck on the lips.

Phil goes in to kiss Dan again, this time slowly and softly. They relax into the motions, open-mouthed and wanting more. Phil keeping a hand on Dan’s waist while Dan continues to hold his cheek.

Dan can feel his heart beating steadily in his chest, albeit a bit faster that usually, he’s sure his face is hot, slightly red. He likes this, just him and Phil, completely enraptured in the other person, wanting simply to be close as can be, in a way it’s comforting. Knowing that his love for Phil is as strong as Phil’s love for him. After all these years, it’s surprising how feelings haven’t faded all too much.

For a few minutes, they do nothing but kiss. Eventually, Dan breaks away.

“Movie?”

“Yes but let’s make popcorn first.”

“Ooo, your first meal in the new flat, how exciting!”

“Meal?” Phil laughs, “Also, I had pot noodles earlier as my first meal, sorry.”

“Meal?” Dan mocks.

“Haha, okay, fine, you win.” Phil gets to his feet and walks over to the kitchen, rummaging through boxes to find a package of microwavable popcorn.

Reluctant to move from his comfy spot on the couch, Dan gets up after Phil. But, on his way to the kitchen, he stops, noticing the incredible view Phil has from this floor. The Manchester wheel, the towering skyscrapers, the clear blue sky and the shining sun, all come together to make a picturesque skyline. Dan stands still for a moment, struck by the beauty of it. “Why didn’t you send me any photos of this?”

“Wanted it to be a surprise, I thought you’d like it.” Phil walks over towards Dan and wraps his arms around his waist from behind, resting his chin on Dan’s shoulder.

“I love it, I’m going to come over here every day. Just for this.”

“Not for me?”

“And for you too. Of course, for you.” Dan takes one of Phil's hands and gives it a kiss.

They stand there admiring the view together, Dan’s head feels light and his heart feels full. Phil breathes softly against him and his arms around him are the most comforting thing in the world. He wants to stay here for a long time, for as long as Phil will let him, forever. He wants to stay in Phil’s arms forever. All he wants is to stay with Phil forever. They’ve been through enough already, he figures they deserve that sort of compensation.

About thirty seconds later, the microwave dings and the moment is broken.

Dan goes to set up the movie while Phil whisks away to the kitchen, takes out the popcorn and puts it in a strainer.

“It’s the only thing I could find.”

Dan laughs, “S’fine. You’ll have inhaled it all in thirty seconds anyway.” He’s fiddling with the TV remote.

“You’re not wrong.” Phil says, sitting down on the couch and cuddling up next to Dan, head on his chest.

“Ready?” Dan asks once the title screen for the movie loads.

“Mhm.”

Dan presses play and the music starts. He puts his arm around Phil’s shoulder and Phil sighs contentedly. Dan feels so overwhelmed with love, his chest feels like it’s about to burst.

This is when Dan realizes that this is all he wants in life, Phil, happiness and somewhere to call home. He finds the latter two in Phil. True to his word, he comes over to Phil’s flat nearly everyday. They never seem to get bored of each other, always finding something new to do or a new way to make the other person laugh. It’s so easy between the two of them. Dan feels the happiest he has in years. He finally feels he’s found his place.


End file.
